Husband distraught every Wednesday that he doesn't leave the care home for good

[Pollywobble]

When you took him home for visits how did you get him to go back to the facility? My husband begs to come home and I have been advised not to. I take him to church and lunch after on Sundays and out to llunch some other days and he goes back to the facility without a problem but I don't know about home visits.

I only took him when carers at the Home suggested it. Every one's situation is different. It was right for us, but I would definitely not have done, if adviced against it. He had got into his head all sorts of strange reasons why I didn't take him home, so going there was very reassuring for him, as he could see that nothing had actually changed.
I only take him when he is in the right mood. The Home are great at talking to him about it being a short visit and they are expecting him back. Equally they are great at backing me up if I don't take him. This support is vital. I always leave my bag at the Home so that he knows that I need to go back for it!
I don't think there is a right or wrong way, and it's very waring to be constantly asked by him. I put him off a lot, so he knows it's not going to be an everyday occurance.
You sound as if you do lovely things with your OH and that might be enough for you two.

 

[menik]

Hi Anna Louise

I'm so sorry to read of the heartbreak you feel when your husband so desperately wants to come home. My husband is also in a nursing home and has been for 2 and a half years now. He went in for respite after being in hospital and, thanks to Covid contracted whilst in hospital, his dementia worsened and became even more difficult to manage. He has Alzheimer's disease. The first few months were a similar nightmare to yours. He used to insist on seeing me to the door and then cry when he couldn't come with me. I shall remember the picture of him clutching his bag in the corridor waiting for me for the rest of my life. It's so cruel. Now that his condition has deteriorated/changed he no longer seems very troubled when I leave. So, apart from worrying about what happens when the money runs out, it has become easier. We stopped taking him out some time ago and he doesn't seem to miss it. I don't think he even remembers going out. So all the very best to you in your struggle. I shall think of you.

 

[Donk1]

I haveonly just put my OHin residential care. I can only visit once a week….it was awful …looks like i have many months of this to come. he said he was so unhappy, and yet they sent me a video of him laughing and dancing yesterday….!

 

[SeaSwallow]

I haveonly just put my OHin residential care. I can only visit once a week….it was awful …looks like i have many months of this to come. he said he was so unhappy, and yet they sent me a video of him laughing and dancing yesterday….!

@Donk1 what you describe is quite common. When a family member visits the PWD will say how unhappy they are, they hate the place etc. Then as soon as the family leave the PWD quite often gets involved with all that’s going on in the home. Hopefully the video will have reassured you a little.

 

[RoyalOilfield]

Hi @Anna Louise ,I so feel for you it must be so upsetting. My husband is also in a Nursing home and he also is relatively high functioning. He also is too aggressive during the night hours to be at home.
I only have to deal with repeat requests to come home and intensive planning with it. I cannot imagine how stressful it is to know the same pattern will be repeated. I have the same feeling of letting my husband down.
All I can advise is to try and get the home to put activities in place to distract him on Wednesdays.

I have the same feeling of letting my husband down.
You didn't cause the problem, you simply can't manage his aggression. You're not at fault. He's not at fault, he's not being punished by being kept in a place where his behaviour is managed by professionals...
You must rationalize the situation. If you work out what must be done, what he'd like to be done, and what you'd like to be done, and prioritize the "must" things, consider what "like" things are practical, and work out a route towards doing the "musts" and whatever, if any, of the "would likes" are possible...
Take advice, don't bear all the burden of decision making... And don't succumb to feelings of guilt, they'll lead you into making bad decisions... (and the guilt of having failed to achieve the impossible is likely to be worse...)

 

[RoyalOilfield]

@Donk1 what you describe is quite common. When a family member visits the PWD will say how unhappy they are, they hate the place etc. Then as soon as the family leave the PWD quite often gets involved with all that’s going on in the home. Hopefully the video will have reassured you a little.

Then as soon as the family leave the PWD quite often gets involved with all that’s going on in the home.

That definitely resonates... Mother in law hates the care home, she says... No one speaks to her, and there's nothing to do... Then, in preparation for leaving after a visit, you sit her between two other ladies with dementia and she's bright as a button...
She's not lying, she's simply got a skewed perception of reality, and no memory span...
The staff are absolutely superb... Experts at distraction...

 

[maisiecat]

I have the same feeling of letting my husband down.
You didn't cause the problem, you simply can't manage his aggression. You're not at fault. He's not at fault, he's not being punished by being kept in a place where his behaviour is managed by professionals...
You must rationalize the situation. If you work out what must be done, what he'd like to be done, and what you'd like to be done, and prioritize the "must" things, consider what "like" things are practical, and work out a route towards doing the "musts" and whatever, if any, of the "would likes" are possible...
Take advice, don't bear all the burden of decision making... And don't succumb to feelings of guilt, they'll lead you into making bad decisions... (and the guilt of having failed to achieve the impossible is likely to be worse...)

Thank you,it helps when people put it in writing. I think it is a particular problem with high functioning dementia as often friends visiting will say its a shame he can't be at home. I dint describe what the last months were like before he was admitted and how frightened I was as it seems a betrayal.
He's in the best place,I know that and ironically at a certain level I think he knows that too.