Would you tell her that he passed away?

[Kaylong]

Evening all,

I hope you are coping well with the heat and summer holidays (if you have them).

This week has been a bit tricky to say the least. My mum, who has late stage Alzheimer’s and lives abroad, has become a widow as my stepdad passed away Unexpectedly three days ago. She wasn’t there when he passed. He was her main carer and they lived together in a serviced flat. She’s been moved back to hospital while waiting for space in a care home. The staff decided not to tell her that she is a widow now as she is likely not to remember him.

I’m going there to see her and sort out her affairs and all things practical in a couple of days. Part of me agrees entirely about keeping her in the dark about my stepdad’s death - I’m sure the news would make her distressed. But part of me wants her to know and to come to his funeral. I don’t really know what to do though I’m inclined to not tell her.

What did/would you do?

Thanks for reading Xx

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Kaylong sorry to hear about your step-father. This subject is a difficult one because there is no right or wrong way and I think it depends on the individual and their stage of dementia. Are there other family members that you could discuss this with? When my family was in a similar situation we decided not to tell mum about the death of a close relative to avoid distressing her and although it was a hard decision to make we went with what would be best for mum, although unlike your situation it didn't involve the death of a partner or main carer. Maybe wait to see how your mum is in terms of her level of understanding when you are with her and then decide?

I'm sure that others will be along soon with their thoughts but in the meantime you might find this information sheet about supporting someone with dementia during a bereavement helpful as it covers topics such as whether to tell someone of a death or not, or whether to take them to a funeral:

Supporting a person with dementia during a bereavement

There are lots of things to think about when a person close to someone with dementia dies. Read our advice about telling a person with dementia about a death.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Kaylong]

Thanks @Louise7 - all of the advice has been very helpful. I spoke to mum's carers and decided to tell her. She was sad and I’ve had to repeat it a few times but she thanked me for telling her. ♥️

 

[Louise7]

Hi @Kaylong I'm pleased that the advice was helpful and that your mum has thanked you for telling her. Best wishes to you and your family at this difficult time, and I hope that your mum will settle well into the care home.