Wits end!!

[gringo]

Good evening Saz,
I’m sorry but I have only just come on this thread. My wife has dementia and also has to wear a colostomy bag, so I have a real understanding of what you have been going through. It’s my opinion that these two things together are just about the most challenging combination that could be dreamt up. How you have managed, even with a helpful husband, I cannot imagine.
But one thing is quite clear, you must not allow them to discharge your Mum back to your care. For your own, and your Mum’s, health you must refuse. You have done much more than could have been expected of you. As Owly says, legally they cannot make you. Just refuse to even discuss it with anybody.

 

[saz55]

Spent most of the night crying, still couldn't sleep kept hearing her shouting for me (yes it was only in my head) hospital called twice last night as she was so distressed and agitated calling for me, they wanted me to go settle her......hubby said I wasn't in any fit state to go anywhere (which to be honest I wasn't) so they sedated her again! today he called the doc out who has prescribed me sleeping tabs and a diff anti depressant for the next two weeks when I have to go back to see him, he is appalled that things have been allowed to get to this state! I am sure once I have some sleep things will start to feel a bit better and I will somehow stop beating myself up, I am determined that in no way shape or form that she is coming back here, apart from that my family (children & hubby) I am torn about going in to see her, I don't know if I could face her, doc said to leave it to my brothers for a few days, and do you know.....I just might!!! (bad bad daughter yet again)

 

[loveahug]

Never bad daughter! Such a caring daughter that you jeopardised your own health, does your sacrifice have to include a near death experience before you accept that you have done your best? Please stop beating yourself up, you're in enough pain as it is.

BIG HUGS x

 

[jeany123]

Aw Saz you are not a bad daughter, please get some rest and your strength back before you visit her, it will do neither of you any good at the moment, as the doc says leave it to your brothers, you deserve a medal

 

[Owly]

If you go to see her Saz, she will only demand that you bring her OUT OF THERE, and get her HOME, I can see it now. So it will be good for both you and her to have a few days apart from each other. It will also demonstrate to the authorities that you can no longer be responsible for your Mum in any way (apart from discussing her care, of course, when the meetings are held).

They need to see how Mum is, and when she realises that her shouting for you is having no effect, she might just calm down. Or not. Who knows?

Anyway, you have done your bit, and massively so, and dare it say it, you have reached a nervous breakdown and should feel no guilt whatsoever about what you have just done to have her taken away. Your Mum appears to be in a state where no one person, only a TEAM, can look after her and stay safe and sane.

Now it's time for you to heal, emotionally and physically. I hope those voices start to calm down, and you sleep well tonight (or this afternoon!).

((((((hugs))))))

PS. If the hospital ask, "how was she at home?" then just print off your first post on this thead which describes the whole horrendous truth of it, and ask hubby to drop it into the hospital ward.

.

 

[HelenInBC]

The hospital needs to be told you cannot be called to settle her. That is their job now! Please take the advice given here and get some rest. Your mum is safe where she is and you need to take full advantage of the respite. You must make them realize she cannot come back to live with you. It will only take a few days for things to go back to exactly the way they were before.
Gosh you really have to know you have done your best for your mum. She wouldn't want to be putting you through this if she could understand it all..


Sent from my Nexus 7 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[saz55]

Hi Guys, after 17hrs of sound sleep (thanx to Zopiclone and hubby taking my phone away) I feel a tad bit better, groggy, still teary and shaking. I probs still have a long way to go yet to feel normal again, thank you all so much for your support and very good advice, (yes I actually listened and took it) I know I shouldn't have but I went to see mum, I only stayed half hour (I had too make sure she was ok) and she was fine quite pleasant actually, the nursing staff have to have someone sitting with her all the time - day and night as she is very agitated and high risk of falls etc, They have spoken to me today and told me that they wouldn't even consider sending mum back home as yes she needs more specialist 24/7 care! HELLOOOOO!!! I know I shouldn't but I felt so relieved as though I could breath again, I cried like a baby and the ward sister just hugged me and told me to go get better and rebuild my life and finally enjoy my mum! there is still a road to travel down but now there IS light at the end of the tunnel and its all down to YOU GUYS, so from the bottom of heart THANK YOU from me and my family, it is good to know you are not alone xxx

 

[loveahug]

So happy for you saz, it's nice to know that where she is, is doing you BOTH a lot of good.

Watch out world saz is BACK

 

[Owly]

Dear Saz, I hoped your long silence meant you were asleep, so this is all great news. The nightmare is over and your home is your haven again, whatever happens with Mum at the hospital or care home. It sounds like she is being very 'high maintainance' for them. I'm sure she'll be in there for a while, as they go through their assessments and mountains of paperwork..... now you can get out and enjoy the end-of-summer warmth and even think of other things, not just MUM.

 

[Fred Flintstone]

From post number 1.

***

I was left to sort everything out, dad's funeral, her house, their affairs etc with no help whatsoever from my 4 brothers!!!!

***
....so much stress!!! oh well here she goes again!!!!

Saz,

Have you a list typed of the names of your four brothers, in birth order perhaps, along with their addresses and telephone numbers (both landline and mobile) plus the e-mail addresses you have for them? I can foresee a time when it might be handy.

You could also type a special copy, adding your own details and entitle it:

"[Your mother's name]: her five children, equal next-of-kin".​

In the event of reproaches from your brothers, you could hand this one over to be put in your mother's medical notes, and perhaps another copy for the social workers.

I've looked at this thread occasionally. I couldn't think of much to say that wasn't being said. You seemed exhausted to the point of collapse. It seems at last that you may be relaxing a little bit at last. I've felt so sorry for you.

All the best,
FF

 

[lin1]

Saz You are a good Daughter !!!!!!

Dear Saz
I am glad you called 999 and mum is now in hospital.
Now Saz you need to give yourself time to recover a little, so horrid though this may sound to you , I recommend you don't visit for several days.
You need to think of your own health for once.

Sending you my love
XXX

 

[saz55]

Hi guys, just wanted to update you all, mum never came home from hospital she was very challenging most of the time so was recommended for a nursing EMI, which was a nightmare to find one that would accept her, but after 8weeks we did! Strangely Mum settled well their albiet on strong meds to keep her calm and to be honest it was a relief and yes a pleasure to visit her and not be greated by a screaming banshee swearing and disowning me! In the meantime i was diagnosed with breast cancer (whilst mum was in hospital) and had to have a masectomy (19th nov) we were devastated yet again! The op went well till 2weeks after when the wound broke down, and todate am still seeing the nurses (3x a week) to have to packed and dressed!! Whilst going thru all this and sort of preparing for xmas, i got a call from mums home to say mum had had a turn and paramedics are with her, whilst rushing round getting dressed (01:50am) fone rang again, mum had passed away (20th dec), shock big time! Altho i needed her too, i know she is finally happy and at peace with dad. (And yes its all been left to me to sort out yet again)
I just wanted to thank you all for everything you have said and mostly all your support, i am now on the road to recovery (albiet heart broken) and i know that both my parents are with me xxx

 

[Owly]

Dear Saz, thank you for coming back to tell us the rest of the story. I'm so sorry to hear that you have needed to have a mastectomy, and I hope that your healing will hurry along, and be complete and lasting. xxxxxx and ((((hugs)))))

And so now your Mum and your Dad are together on 'the other side', yet still very close to you and no doubt aware of your troubles and sending you as much love and supportiveness as they can. I'm sure your family are rallying around too. There will come a time when this very difficult year is just a memory and your life has moved on to happier things.

Having lost my Mum to dementia last summer, I think it's important to try and remember the happy, younger days and let the memories of the months that lead up to their passing fall away.

Hugs again, from Owly

 

[velocity]

Best Wishes xxx