Will we ever see them again?

[VerityH]

As the news came out yesterday that lockdown or some form of it could go on till the end of the year or worse, I started wondering if I will ever see my Mum again. The last time I saw her was on 15 March in hospital, having broken her hip. She was hyper agitated, couldn't sleep/rest, and kept trying to climb out of the top of her hospital bed with her eyes tightly closed directly into a hospital wall - NOT the way I would like to remember our last contact!

I'm missing her like mad (though not all the driving to and from, if I'm honest). She was discharged from hospital back into her care home on 16 March (my birthday, not the best one I've ever had!), probably before she was ready, and has been giving the care home staff plenty of trouble and work since then! They are absolutely wonderful in her home, but we did have an indicent (see earlier post) where police have had to be involved as a member of the care team 'assaulted' her (loose term - apparently she was held by the face, but not in a nice way).

She is 85, has been deteriorating since being there for the last 18 months, and the broken hip exacerbated her condition even more. I've seen quite a few residents over the 18 mths go from being quite ok, to having a fall, to being dead, and I worry that if lockdown for the home continues much longer, I may never see her again.

Tbh, this is all about me. Mum is ok, as far as I know. She lives in her own world, and always tells my sister and I of the interesting things she's been doing, usually with my dad who died in October! Selfish, I know, but I would kill for one of my Mum's magic cuddles.

I know I'm not alone. These are very strange times, and we'll get through them one way or another.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @VerityH
nothing I can really say to help
I'm glad you can come here and put your worries in a post which will be read by folk who understand and sympathise
I'm also glad that, the incident aside, you feel your mum is being cared for and is ok in herself
you're not alone ... so if it helps at all, keep posting

 

[Cat27]

It’s such a worry for you @VerityH. People here will understand so please keep posting.

 

[Izzy]

Not at all selfish @VerityH. It's totally understandable for you to feel like this. The circumstances we are living in just now are making difficult situations even more difficult.

I'm glad you shared how you feel and hope it has helped, even just a little.

 

[jugglingmum]

We have talked about this, my mum was 90 earlier this month. Whilst I sent cakes and cards I didn't take her present.

I last saw her on 12th March.

My daughter (19) asked me if she would see her again and I had to answer I don't know - this was when I was assuming we might be able to see her in June. She enjoys seeing us in the moment and not seeing us won't matter to her but I do think she might have deteriorated to the point of not recognizing or remembering us - she sometimes struggles with my brother's name as she rarely sees him.

 

[Zara09]

Where did you hear lockdown may last until the end of the year? Is this just for the care homes? What is the general thought about how long it may last in the care homes? I, like everyone else, miss mum, but I’m fortunate to be able to see her on skype. She seems very happy and quite unaware of the world at the moment. As long as things in her immediate orbit are much the same, she’s happy, thankfully.

 

[Paddy61]

With regard to your selfishness...

My mum has been drifting away from us for a very long time. Each day she gets a little further away.

I have a daughter who has always really loved her nan.

She (my daughter) is emotionally strong, she copes well with all situations and always looks to find a practical solution and put her own feelings on the back burner until the crisis is over.

Mum was recently admitted to hospital and tested positive for Covid19. It was down to me to inform the rest of the family. When I spoke to my daughter she acted in her usual sensible manner. She asked lots of questions and tried to find a positive in every one of my answers.

But she phoned me back within the hour. She was crying and struggled to speak. I asked her to talk to me.

She said: "Dad, I feel so selfish, I feel so guilty..."

"Why Becki, why the guilt?"

"Because I've known for years that I had lost my nan. I've known for years that she had gone away. But in all that time I never told her that I missed her. And I have missed her dad, I've missed her smile and her simple wisdom. And now I'll never get the chance to say goodbye. And I feel so guilty because I'm crying and trying to make it all about me."

It's horrible to hear your child crying. Particularly when it's over the telephone and you can't make physical contact. And it's equally hard to see your mother dying and long for one of those "magic cuddles".

I told Becki that there was no need for guilt and I would tell you the same. But I know that neither of you will believe me. And the reason I know that is because I feel so very guilty too.

When you say "this is all about me", I would urge you to let it be all about you. It's in no way selfish and in the longer term, it's healthy.

 

[VerityH]

Oh you people are all so wise and sensible and kind. My mum, like some of your loved ones, is in her own little world, and doesn't really know whether she saw me yesterday or 10 years ago. This is something of a comfort. I do miss her though. There are so many things l'd like to talk to her about, but she wouldn't understand. We're helping out with lambing at the moment. When I speak to her on the phone I tell her all about the little lambs, and I've written letters with pictures too. She always used to call out oooo look at the little lambs when we were young and driving around in the car, and my sister and I are just as nutty now about lambs. She would love it at my house just now as we are taking care of a good few ewes and lambs in our field. Mum, I'm doing it for you as much as for me.

Thank you so much everyone. I was just having a wobble. x

 

[VerityH]

Where did you hear lockdown may last until the end of the year? Is this just for the care homes? What is the general thought about how long it may last in the care homes? I, like everyone else, miss mum, but I’m fortunate to be able to see her on skype. She seems very happy and quite unaware of the world at the moment. As long as things in her immediate orbit are much the same, she’s happy, thankfully.

Nothing specific to care homes, just a general comment that until a vaccine is available worldwide life will not go back to normal, and I imagine care homes will be the last to open up. They were talking about the end of 2020 earliest possibility for a vaccine, so I put two and two together. We tried skyping Mum, but she refused to look at the phone! She's fine just talking on the phone as normal though. Burbles absolute nonsense but, boy, is it good to hear her voice! x

 

[Lawson58]

Just a brief comment though, that we all miss seeing our families during isolation, not just those in nursing homes. Yesterday was Mother's Day in Australia and I was not able to see my children and my daughter was unable to see her children.

My birthday was on Good Friday and I was unable to see my family. I haven't seen my family for weeks and no, I am not in a care home nor do I need care but I have a husband who would die if he caught Covid 19. I am 76 years old and though fairly fit I too would be in danger if I caight the virus.

As hard as it is, I think that visiting people in care homes goes beyond risk and is a real danger for all concerned. Apparently, a third of all Covid 19 deaths in USA are in care homes, complicated by hospitals dumping patients into care homes but unless a patient is at end of life, be brave and stay away.