Will this phase pass?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by pebble, May 9, 2008.

  1. pebble

    pebble Registered User

    Apr 18, 2008
    57
    The Borders, Scotland
    My mum's dementia has entered a new phase - she used to trust me and rely on my input but in the last few months she gets into rages accusing me of everything and anything. I live a 5 hour drive away so have to rely on phone contact a lot. My partner is not keen on me visiting on my own because the aggression and upset is debilitating all round and he worries about me driving. He has lost the last two years of his annual leave dealing with crises in my family and this worries me too. Most times I phone my mum I am immediately in the firing line for having taken keys, money, tricked her etc etc. It is next to impossible to brush off these outbursts and be unstressed for the sake of my partner. My poor nephew lives local to my mum but his recent visits have been grim - his gran paces about the house red in the face telling him what a beastly person I am. The family situation is not good - we lost my dad quite suddenly 2 years ago. Then last summer my sister died from untreated breast cancer having told no-one she was even ill until 5 weeks before she died. My nephew and myself nursed her at home as she didn't want to go to hospital. I am the only relative my nephew has left to talk to and he says that his gran has gone now too. My poor mum has lost her husband of 50 years and her daughter. Grief and dementia are a hidious combination. I feel very alone trying to know what to do and my sister can't help me. Mum no longer gains comfort or reassurance from me and I feel helpless. Does anyone think that this might just be a phase in the illness being angry at me all the time - I really want to help my mum but she is shutting me out. The last 2 years have taken a toll on my health and i am beginning to worry about the effects of longterm stress.
     
  2. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    HI Pebble

    ((((hugs)))

    What a lot you are having to deal with. I am not surprised that you are finding it so hard.

    My Mum also started to call me for everything and rang relatives saying how awful I was and really made me question our relationship and had I done the right thing all my life for Mum. We had been very very close and she started to get so angry with me and tell people that I was doing horrible things and that I never visited etc. (I had reduced my vsiting, but then I had just given birth to twins and she lived at that time over a hundred miles away!)

    She became paranoid that I was visiting the inlaws and not her. She became jealous of my babies.

    That was the bad side. As the disease progressed and she went into a nursing home our relationship improved again. We went back to being the friends we had always been. We went out shoppping, for meals and when Mum finally died she had hugged me and loved me again for a few years!

    I think sometimes that the phrase "you always hurt the one you love" in dementia is very true. Like a child, my Mum knew I would love her no matter what. She could let her fears show and be angry with me as she knew that I would be there for her no matter what. She was confused and angry and had no other outlet. Others believed what she said, but I knew that it wasn't right and perhaps my exapseration grew. Others maybe let as past, as they know no better, but we know the truth. It is so difficult not to fight back.

    I started making excuses to go when she got angry at me on the phone. I would try and distract if there, not always easy. Try to deflect the anger or walk away from it. You cannot change a point of view when it is irrational.

    From your point of view I would ensure that a carer's assemsent is done for your Mum to try and reduce the crises. I would try and make time for you and your partner to get away from it all, even if only for a weekend. My holidays for the final year Mum was at home were spent there and at the hospital when she was admitted.

    Love

    Mameeskye
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    #3 Grannie G, May 9, 2008
    Last edited: May 9, 2008
    Hello Pebble, :)

    I`m so sorry you are going through such a difficult phase with your mother. Unfortunately no-ne can tell how long it will last.

    What makes it even harder is the distance. Telephone conversations are far from satisfactory with someone with dementia. And your visits must be torture for you. I imagine you driving there, not knowing what will greet you and driving home upset by the ordeal.

    As a family you have all had a terrible time. For your mother with dementia, she will be unable to be comforted, and who knows what she is suffering inside. She is probably unaware of the causes of her sadness and anger.

    You can only do your best. There is nothing to gain by making yourself ill. It will not help anyone.

    Take care xx
     

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