Why does he blame my illness?

[Paula1968]

I have dementia and other complex health problems. My friend says that my illness is causing too many problems and that I have no right to expect him to cook for me or care for me. He blames me for a deteriorating friendship. He is angry I don’t get enough social care and blames me for that too. I don’t have family around.
New Year’s Eve things came to a head and he asked me to leave… I had been invited to stay over the holidays. I was so angry but didn’t say anything to him. I came home. I don’t want to lose the friendship but he seems to be in denial of my health. Any suggestions?

 

[Jessbow]

Saadly, no one is ever obliged to care for another person, maybe your friendship has run its course.
Complex health issue and dementia must be hard for both of your, and very ikely do change the dynamic

 

[SeaSwallow]

Welcome to the Dementia Support Forum @Paula1968 That is sad but perhaps your friend finds caring difficult, not everyone is cut out to be a carer.
If you have not already done so please contact your local authority to arrange a needs assessment, so that you can find out what help with care that you might be entitled to.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to the forum @Paula1968

Perhaps you could ask your friend to help you find sufficient social care. If he sees that you’re trying to help yourself as much as you can he may not be so frustrated. It can be very frustrating when someone dear to you refuses help from other people and you feel obliged to step in and help.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Paula1968 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am so sorry to hear that your dementia has affected your friendship. You aren't to blame for something over which you have no control. My guess is that your friend has only just realised the extent to which dementia is challenging you every moment of every day. He may be unable to cope with this and let your friendship dwindle. Or he may reflect on what part he can play in supporting you to face the future. It is too soon to say, but I am afraid that friend and family relationships often suffer as a result of dementia.

We can't offer hands on support here. But we can give you a safe space to share with people who understand, raise questions and issues and find helpful suggestions.

 

[jac69]

Hi I'm sorry you have been afflicted with this terrible condition. I also feel for your friend who must be struggling Let me just say this and it might help you to understand his actions. I never wanted children I never wanted a career in nursing or caring I never wanted to be a teacher I just dont have the mentality or personality to deal with these jobs I now find myself looking after a husband who is at least 5 years into FTD although only fully diagnosed last january. I can read all the info on the disease and how it affects the afflicted person but I find it so difficult to deal with the reallity. Every day I get up and say I'm going to be kind and not shout and within an hour he can push my patience and reserve till I do shout. Little things like putting a normal battery in a charger and it exploding then refusing to let me put the charger now full of battery acid in the bin or pacing up and down all night because he went to bed at 4pm got up at 8pm and insists its morning. The constant sulking when he is told no he cant do somthing like going to the chemist at midnight because he insists its mid day and he has to collect a prescription and then he will sneak out the house and go anyway. The vagaries of the disease mean that some days he can remeber thing said the day before and other days he makes up stories about thing he claims to have heard eg you said we were going for food, with the result I often wonder if he is playing me for a fool just to get attention. So please try to understand your friend will be sad angry worried about how to cope worried he might not be able to cope a whole complex array of emotions

 

[Ellie2018]

Hi I'm sorry you have been afflicted with this terrible condition. I also feel for your friend who must be struggling Let me just say this and it might help you to understand his actions. I never wanted children I never wanted a career in nursing or caring I never wanted to be a teacher I just dont have the mentality or personality to deal with these jobs I now find myself looking after a husband who is at least 5 years into FTD although only fully diagnosed last january. I can read all the info on the disease and how it affects the afflicted person but I find it so difficult to deal with the reallity. Every day I get up and say I'm going to be kind and not shout and within an hour he can push my patience and reserve till I do shout. Little things like putting a normal battery in a charger and it exploding then refusing to let me put the charger now full of battery acid in the bin or pacing up and down all night because he went to bed at 4pm got up at 8pm and insists its morning. The constant sulking when he is told no he cant do somthing like going to the chemist at midnight because he insists its mid day and he has to collect a prescription and then he will sneak out the house and go anyway. The vagaries of the disease mean that some days he can remeber thing said the day before and other days he makes up stories about thing he claims to have heard eg you said we were going for food, with the result I often wonder if he is playing me for a fool just to get attention. So please try to understand your friend will be sad angry worried about how to cope worried he might not be able to cope a whole complex array of emotions

This sounds so much like me, can I blow my nose is the last one! Some days are so hard aren’t they. And I like you made some of those decisions and there is literally just me dealing with it.