why do we have to reach breaking point?

[hillyjay]

Thank you @maisiecat, @canary and @Chizz. Yep, we’re totally screwed up!

Season’s bleatings to,you too😀

 

[special 1]

He there. Yes we are all in very much the same boat. You are fortunate that your Husband can walk about, My Husband has a fall issue with his balance so I have to shadow him all over the house, plus he is house bound as he can't get down the stairs anymore as we stay in an upstairs flat, so that adds to his anger also. Have a good xmas as best you can. Big hugs.

 

[hillyjay]

He there. Yes we are all in very much the same boat. You are fortunate that your Husband can walk about, My Husband has a fall issue with his balance so I have to shadow him all over the house, plus he is house bound as he can't get down the stairs anymore as we stay in an upstairs flat, so that adds to his anger also. Have a good xmas as best you can. Big hugs.

It’s a relief here that he can get out on his own, albeit only within our local very small town.. Anywhere different completely throws him and he loses any sense of direction. I admire you for somehow coping in an upstairs flat.
Have the very best Christmas you can xxx

 

[Mobbin17]

I'd reached a stage of complete burnout. Had enough, frustrated, depressed, not coping well etc. No help as was just told we are self funding so need to sort things out ourselves. OH refused respite so just struggled on.
Then tripped and fell so had to call ambulance. He was admitted to hospital as he may have bumped his head and is on blood thinners. Was on he floor for 5 1/2 hours waiting for ambulance. ok he wasn't considered an emergency, I understand that.
CT scan clear, Physio assessed him, walked along corridor and did stairs so deemed ok to be discharged. But I explained how things had been. I didn't have a problem with caring but needed respite now and again as haven't had any for 10 years (since a stroke) and the verbal abuse being exceptionally hard to deal with. Lovely nurse, said she would keep him in for a couple of days while a care plan can be put into place, and give me a break as I sounded like I was at 'carer burnout' great I thought. He is in hospital, being looked after. I haven't visited for 4 days, terrible I can here some saying but I just couldn't do it. I keep in touch with the OT who said he was fine.
Anyway 4 now feeling very guilty.

Any person who would dare to say that you not visiting is terrible , well that person has no clue about your life . No one can even imagine it . All our stories are different, but we share so much

 

[chickenlady]

When my loved one was admitted to hospital after me taking him backwards and forwards to A and E for three days I knew I just had to have a bit of breathing space, so I went home, packed a bag and went off to the coast for two nights, turning my mobile off as well, they couldn’t send him home without me being there, yes, I did feel guilty but with no support I deserved that little breather, sadly he is now in a care home, I miss him so much but I know this was the right thing to do, both for him and myself, I visit him 3 or 4 times a week now for a few hours each time, we normally have lunch together when I am there, no other family member visits him, always have a reason why they cant(he has two children from previous marriage) one day they will regret it but that’s their choice, there is no way I could stay away, still love him to bits, and make sure I tell him that every day

It was absolutely the right thing for both of you, when you visit you can be cheery, laugh sing take in old photos to look at etc rather than just being exhausted and no good to either of you. Keep busy when you're not visiting and take the opportunity to find other hobbies, clubs etc so that when the inevitable happens you're not left with such a void of empty hours to fill. Take care of yourself.

 

[Mobbin17]

What a relief to read this thread and to see how so many are in that same awful position as me where the person we are caring for , in my case my husband, ’isn't as bad as all that’. People say ‘you’d never know there was anything wrong with him’. Well they wouldn’t, would they, as he doesn’t accuse them of being wrong, he doesn’t sit there while they try and rectify mistakes he’s made, or find things he’s ‘lost’. They don’t get accused of saying they’ve done things they haven’t as HE knows for a fact that HE did whatever it was, not them.

Yes, he can still care for himself re personal hygiene. No, he’s not wandering the house all night so what have I got to complain about?. He can still take the dog for a walk. So many have it a lot worse than me and I feel guilty for moaning but…but…I’m TIRED. I am so fed up with explaining things for the umpteenth time - what’s happening in a film, what day it is, yes, the dog’s been fed, and no, it was me who fed her. No, you can’t remember where you took her for a walk this morning because you didn’t, that’s why we’re taking her out now so she’s fine and there’s no need to worry….You haven’t lost your glasses, no, you’ve not lost your bank card 😳..well because you don’t take it with you. Yes, I know the shower drain needs clearing, I’ll do it in a minute but I can’t bend down that easily because of my hip.

All trivial maybe but all add up. Add to that being told to,‘shut it’, to, ‘keep that mouth of yours closed, do you hear me!’ to, ‘you haven’t got a clue, have you’ (all this from a man who used to be so quiet and gentle and who rarely swore or lost his temper) and I’ll shut up now because I’m welling up as I write.

Everything people have said on here has struck such a chord with me, that somehow it began to pour out. Thank you so much and I do feel for all of you because I, too, know what it’s like and sod the business about ‘it’s the dementia talking’. Maybe the disease causes it but the fact is it’s my husband of 50 years who is standing there shouting at me and hurling abuse before going off to sulk and slamming doors and all the logical reasoning and blaming on dementia doesn’t help me feeling so hurt and depressed and helpless . X

You can’t compare your life with someone who may be having ‘a harder time ‘ . You are living your life and it is unique to you . For you it is horrible, don’t feel that your load is lighter x

 

[hillyjay]

You can’t compare your life with someone who may be having ‘a harder time ‘ . You are living your life and it is unique to you . For you it is horrible, don’t feel that your load is lighter x

Thank you xx

 

[Lawson58]

My husband was trying to do a crossword. The clue was ’orders around’ and the answer was ‘bosses’. He gleefully informed me that I should have got that one right!

My reply was that he knows how to say the nicest things.

 

[maggieanne]

Any person who would dare to say that you not visiting is terrible , well that person has no clue about your life . No one can even imagine it . All our stories are different, but we share so much

Your bound to feel guilty but don’t be. Your no good to anyone after what you’ve been through. It’s time to put yourself first. I was suffering with carer burnout. Having chest pain’s I was so anxious. Felt like I was having a heart attack.
Husband is now been in a care home for seven weeks. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I couldn’t go on caring anymore. I visit him a lot. If I don’t see him I’m anxious again.
It’s hard not to care. The guilt never seems to go away. Get as much rest as you can.

 

[Chizz]

Your bound to feel guilty but don’t be. Your no good to anyone after what you’ve been through. It’s time to put yourself first. I was suffering with carer burnout. Having chest pain’s I was so anxious. Felt like I was having a heart attack.
Husband is now been in a care home for seven weeks. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I couldn’t go on caring anymore. I visit him a lot. If I don’t see him I’m anxious again.
It’s hard not to care. The guilt never seems to go away. Get as much rest as you can.

Hi @maggieanne
Don't beat yourself up. I know its easier said than done. You've done your best , and nobody can do more.

There often comes a times when the needs of the PWD are more than one person can provide.
The care home have day staff, night staff, separate people doing food, separate people doing cleaning and laundry, etc, etc - and full time carers at home are busy trying to do all these things, day and night, on their own.
The carer also deserves a life, respite, etc. Full time worry is bound to lead to a burn out.

So, don't beat yourself up. OH going in to care home is often the best decision.

Best wishes, and a hug