Who’s Who?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Little Circles, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. Little Circles

    Little Circles Registered User

    Mar 30, 2017
    47
    Derbyshire
    My Mum has seemed to have had a deterioration with her Dementia recently
    She keeps thinking my Dad is her Carer
    The carer looks like my dad and must be his twin she says but anything she doesn’t like doing or which upsets her is the carers fault ( we don’t have carers in the house and never have) she says the carer or carers are mean to her. She says when my birth dad (as she’d often calls my dad or other other dad ) comes back he will look after her and sack the carers
    She talks to them whilst dad and I are in the room. She asks use what shift they are on? She worked as a carer for adults with learning disabilities before she retired. She says she needs to give up work even though the money would be helpful - they are ok financially
    She told my sister in law today over the phone that she had done a double shift and was tired out but in reality had had a restful day
    She mostly knows who I am but my brother who lives a few hundred miles away she gets confused with sometimes
    She can’t remember my dad is her husband at times and says I must be adopted sonetimes
    She thinks my dad is her dad and doesn’t know my dad is her husband
    My Mum ‘sees’ her parents and sister (now passed away) and she wants to speak to them on the phone or ask them to come for tea, we sidetrack with responses but she gets aggressive if we don’t give the phone numbers to her and as there isn’t a phone number for them and the deflective responses don’t satisfy her she keeps on until we have to tell her the truth and then she grieves again
    We try and change the subject or do something to alter her mind set but she is so tunnel vision
    We have taken to going along with her vision of reality but it is very warming on my dad
    If she gets gets anxious she says her dad will sort it out and she cries all the time for no reason - she says it comes over her in waves and she needs to cry to get it out of her system but she doesn’t know what she wants to get out of her system
    She seems to have deteriorated since Christmas and Dad is saying he can’t cope with it all and she needs to go in a home but I know she is demanding and scared, anxious and frightened but I feel she is not at that point yet
    On her good days or should I say good hours ( very few now) she is lovely and back to my lovely Mum
    She is very unsteady on her feet and is dizzy and says her head is full of cotton wool and when she thinks of anything there is just a hole or words and things disappear in that hole
    Does anyone have similar issues with a person with dementia and any advise on coping strategies ?
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    10,372
    Female
    London
    If your Dad says he can't cope then he can't cope and you should take this seriously instead of saying your Mum is not at the right stage yet. A very good reason for a care home is carers burnout - do you want your Dad to break down? Please seriously consider what he is telling you. To be honest, all that you are saying about her strongly suggests she would be better off in a care home, and that's no reflection on you or your Dad.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    6,713
    Female
    South coast
    Constant confabulations and delusions are terribly wearing, especially if the PWD cant be deflected.
    I think we all think our loved one cant possibly be at the stage of needing a care home, even when its well past that time. No one makes the decision for a care home lightly, so if your dad is saying he cant cope and your mum needs to be in a care home, then I actually think that it is that time.
     
  4. Little Circles

    Little Circles Registered User

    Mar 30, 2017
    47
    Derbyshire
    I have said I will support Dad in whatever he decides even if I don’t feel that there is an immediate need
    Dad changes his mind from one day to the next but as it was a bad day today he wants to look at care homes
    I wondered if there was any coping mechanisms until the care decision is made
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    6,713
    Female
    South coast
    Im glad you are supporting your dad, so often there is disagreement and resentment between family members which causes so many problems.
    You seem to be using all the techniques that I know of - distraction, entering their reality and ignoring it. Its the sheer relentlessness of it all that gets you down though and there is no substitute for a good nights sleep!

    You said that you dont have carers - perhaps that is something that you could try to see if the extra support will help your dad. If your mum would need help with payments from the Local Authority you would have to work with Social Services and they almost always want to try carers at home before even considering a care home. So I would certainly go for that while your dad is thinking about future care.
     
  6. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    4,539
    Male
    Bristol
    Sorry Little Circles I don't have experience of confabulations and confusions to that degree, so not sure f any advice will be of help. My OH goes to day centre and has a befriender coming in one day a week. Both give me time to myself to walk in the countryside, disappear with the ramblers for an hour or two, or to take some photos. All of those take my mind off caring and dementia for a couple of hours or so, and your dad certainly needs time away from caring to think. Have you had a carers assessment or a care needs assessment from Social Services? Both would allow your dad to express his needs with a professional who can help him explore his options.
     
  7. Little Circles

    Little Circles Registered User

    Mar 30, 2017
    47
    Derbyshire
    I think that is a good way forward and will discuss with Dad tomorrow if we can get 5 minutes in our own with my Mum hovering and listening in. I am taking Mum out tomorrow to give Dad some time to himself tomorrow as I do a couple of times a week for quite a while now
     
  8. Little Circles

    Little Circles Registered User

    Mar 30, 2017
    47
    Derbyshire
    We haven’t had any assessments as Dad refused to have any help in the past so that would be a way forward
    I have mentioned respite care in the past but it fell on deaf ears
    I went to an appointment with them both and when I brought up the subject Dad said he was fine and could cope
    I think Mum and indeed Dad need help but not to the Care home stage as yet and would have liked Dad to get help instead of straight to a care Home- but in the end it is his decision as I don’t live with my Mum
    In a ideal world I would like her with me but in Reality it would not work as I have an autistic child who is ‘scared’ of my Mum
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    6,713
    Female
    South coast
    You can get "befriending" services where someone comes in regularly for a couple of hours a week to chat to the PWD and give the carer a break - @nae sporran mentioned this. Sometimes they will take them out somewhere too. I havent used this service myself, but I believe that organisations like Crossroads can provide it. Worth looking into?
    I guess they belong to the age group where it is a matter of pride and not wanting outside "interference". You dad is obviously not coping now, though, so perhaps now is the time to try again.
     

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