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Where to go?


New member
Jun 30, 2020
My Mum (97) was formally diagnosed with dementia a year ago. The main (only) manifestation was very poor short-term memory, which steadily got worse and, in the last few months, a more rapid decline. She lives in sheltered flat and has a morning carer to help her shower and dress. She's had the carer for a few years as has osteo arthritis in shoulder and has difficulty dressing. In the last couple of weeks she has become much worse, weepy with shaking fits, not knowing where she is for a minute or two. Appetite has declined. If someone is with her, she's not too bad. Have increased care to include lunchtime visits. Looking forward, I can increase her at-home care, she COULD come to our house if we re-jigged the downstairs accommodation (it has en-suite wet room), but I would be happier to have waking care for night-time, plus her normal morning visit. I have been looking at care homes too, and have a couple short-listed, with current places. She is made of stern stuff, has survived a childhood that was one step up from stark poverty, the Blitz, the WAAF, multiple moves, 3 kids, full-time care for my Gran for 8 years, widowed at 56, lost her long-term partner at 89, lost my sister 4 years ago, one knee replacement and two hips (latest one just 3 years ago). I don't ever remember her being bedridden other than her ops!

I'm just not sure what route to take now, my gut instinct is not to move her at the moment?
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Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
Hi there, as someone who has placed my mum into a care home during this pandemic, I would say if other options are available and safe etc then I would try to avoid. My mum has declined hugely since July and care homes are like prisons at the moment. I was granted permission for a compassionate visit. Talking to my Ill and confused non verbal Mum through a window wearing a mask.


Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
Hi @She-Luna and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You'll get loads of help and advice here and it's a very friendly and supportive community.
Have you had a GP look at your mum just in case she's got a infection such as a UTI? That can cause havoc in elderly people and the symptoms aren't always obvious. It sounds like your mum is well settled where she is and is OK with carers coming in, so maybe increase them to four times a day to ensure she is eating and drinking properly. I know my mother was much worse when she hadn't eaten or drunk enough. You mentioned care at night. Is that just to be on the safe side or is she wandering at night or phoning you up. I know that night time carers are expensive, but others that have used them will be able to tell you . I did a quick search using the search at at the top and these are the hits that mention night time care.
I'd think long and hard about her coming to live with you, but if you do think it might work, maybe try a trial period first. I agree that now isn't a great time to move to a care home, but good you've got a couple in mind if that becomes the only option.
I'm sure others will be along with their tips and suggestions soon.


Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
North West
Hi @She-Luna
Its so hard and your mum sounds a remarkable lady. Sometimes our gut instinct is the best. There is no right or wrong way but whether you can be sure all eventualities are covered and thats the difficult bit. I kept mum at home for as long as I could, but in the end it wasn't viable -I think you just have to go with your instinct until something happens that makes you re-visit where to go next. Wandering and safety do become issues in many people with dementia and thats when things have to change in terms of meeting their needs as well as eating and drinking etc.


New member
Jun 30, 2020
Thanks for replies. It's so nice to find a forum like this!

The safety issue would be a problem, i.e. wandering at night or similar. She had 2 falls in the summer, but no major damage done. I don't think she would wander out of her flat as, a few days ago, we had a surgery appointment booked to take blood and urine. Surgery a very short distance, but my husband brought the car as it was chilly. We got 2 steps out of her flat and she went white and shaky and couldn't go any further. Now I have the unenviable task of trying to get a wee sample from her, 2 days, myself and 2 carers later, no luck! She's been checked over by the surgery paramedic, all vitals OK and his gut feeling is that she hasn't got a UTI, but of course they want to be sure. The care home visiting situation is so awful at the moment (same in hospitals) and I really feel for anyone dealing with it.

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