When will the suffering end 😭

[smithdee]

I feel my dad has no quality of life. He sleeps all day, is double incontinent. He is so frail and we have to feed him every meal and help him drink. He doesn't remember me as his daughter even though I am there every day. He doesn't recognise himself on photographs or in the mirror. His only form of communication is a whistling noise he makes (which is very annoying hearing it all day). He can barely walk anymore, which has resulted in the carers advising that he would probably be best staying in bed rather than in his chair with my mum in the lounge as he sleeps all day anyways other than for food and even recently he hasn't been waking up to eat either. My mum basically lives on her own as he isn't present.
He currently has a chest infection and is on antibiotics but he sounds terrible, I actually believe he has pneumonia. Despite antibiotics and numerous visits from the GP he doesn't seem to be getting any better.
My mum says she can't bare to see him go into a care home/hospital etc but I don't think I can bare seeing him at home slumped in his chair drooling, not getting any enjoyment out of his life. He looks uncomfortable all the time despite us doing everything we can to help him. This is selfish of me, I know, as my mum wants him at home but I don't know how much more I can take. He is suffering. This is an awful awful illness and I hate to imagine any of my family having to ever take care of me like this in my final days, it is so debilitating.

 

[Jessie5]

I’m so sorry. It is so hard and cruel. I have no answers for you other than to be kind to yourself and maybe not go in every day? It is absolutely ok to give yourself a break.

My Mum isn’t as bad as your Dad and is still mobile and sort of knows me as someone she knows and I still find it utterly devastating and wish it would end.

Sending strength xxx

 

[Jale]

It's not being selfish @smithdee, it's called caring. This awful illness in all it's forms takes away everything not only from the person with the illness but also their family. Have no wise words that will help, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

 

[Angel55]

I feel my dad has no quality of life. He sleeps all day, is double incontinent. He is so frail and we have to feed him every meal and help him drink. He doesn't remember me as his daughter even though I am there every day. He doesn't recognise himself on photographs or in the mirror. His only form of communication is a whistling noise he makes (which is very annoying hearing it all day). He can barely walk anymore, which has resulted in the carers advising that he would probably be best staying in bed rather than in his chair with my mum in the lounge as he sleeps all day anyways other than for food and even recently he hasn't been waking up to eat either. My mum basically lives on her own as he isn't present.
He currently has a chest infection and is on antibiotics but he sounds terrible, I actually believe he has pneumonia. Despite antibiotics and numerous visits from the GP he doesn't seem to be getting any better.
My mum says she can't bare to see him go into a care home/hospital etc but I don't think I can bare seeing him at home slumped in his chair drooling, not getting any enjoyment out of his life. He looks uncomfortable all the time despite us doing everything we can to help him. This is selfish of me, I know, as my mum wants him at home but I don't know how much more I can take. He is suffering. This is an awful awful illness and I hate to imagine any of my family having to ever take care of me like this in my final days, it is so debilitating.

Hi

It is the cruelest of illnesses. No-one would judge anyone for not wanting to visit or expressing their feelings as you have not if they have seen this illness first hand. The person is there physically but not there at the same time and I agree it can be very difficult to see.

I wonder if your mum would let your Dad go somewhere for respite care perhaps? Just a thought as it can offer a break physically and emotionally. Sending a hug ❤️

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @smithdee , I think if you are concerned about your dad call 111 and get the paramedics in to check him over. A trip to hospital isn't ideal for someone with dementia and they may decide that one isn't in his best interests but it sounds like your dad would be more comfortable somewhere with care on hand 24/7.

 

[smithdee]

Thanks @Sarasa - both GP/paramedics have been out but my mum is reluctant to get them back as she's so fearful they will take him away, it's so sad 😢

 

[smithdee]

Hi

It is the cruelest of illnesses. No-one would judge anyone for not wanting to visit or expressing their feelings as you have not if they have seen this illness first hand. The person is there physically but not there at the same time and I agree it can be very difficult to see.

I wonder if your mum would let your Dad go somewhere for respite care perhaps? Just a thought as it can offer a break physically and emotionally. Sending a hug ❤️

Hi @Angel55 i have suggested restbite care but mum won't have it unfortunately. She is adament she wants to care for him at home until the end. Very stubborn, but also so caring and devoted to her husband and will always put his needs before her own even when he is aggressive towards her. Thanks so much for the support x