When someone leaves a room...

[Chummers]

Morning all,

I apologise first off if this is in another thread - just show me where it is and I'll gladly go there - I couldn't find anything via various searches, however, so, starting my own thread...

My Dad's got a little worse with his dementia recently, so, whereas before you could sit him down with a crossword and a coffee and people cheerfully came and went in and out of the room, he is not coping well with people either leaving the room or people coming back in say, 60 seconds later.

He lives with my Mum, she has said recently that he'll come find her after 30 seconds or so, even if she's just popped out to the kitchen. I noticed it myself when the came down to stay with us the other day.

This behaviour is mixed in with the fact that apparently he's getting confused with who is in the house and who isn't. I believe he's not following that a) Mum gets off sofa and b) goes to kitchen then c) comes back a minute later and sits back down. He is asking my Mum 'where's the person who was just sat there gone?'

She's going to get his meds looked at, but I wondered if anyone has any experience of this and if so, any practical advice how to make this easier? Diaries of who is here and who isn't don't really work, he struggles to read handwriting and then just reads the note aloud every 30 seconds...

Cheers for any advice, thoughts, experience... Simon

 

[Fullticket]

In my experience, this is unfortunately another progression in the dementia and something you just have to learn ways around with whatever 'love lie' works for you. Mum's bathroom was downstairs but if we used it she would remove all her belongings and put them in her bedroom because it became a hotel in her mind. Flannels had to be pink, otherwise they belonged to someone else. I'm sure it just the dementia brain desperately trying to make sense of what is going on. Please don't be upset by it but maybe try different tactics. When your mum returns having been in the kitchen for a minute or so and dad does not recognise her he might be reassured if you say that the someone who left has taken the dog for a walk, gone to do some shopping, is in the garden - whatever works.
I remember being told by some well meaning person from SS to write on a chalkboard the day, date and year and a list of various tasks for the day. The problem with that was that she did not know to read the chalkboard, if she did read the chalkboard she would not understand it and, if she did read and understand it, she would forget in a few moments. We kept everyone happy by buying a chalk board with a large cockerel illustration and the word for a male chicken writ large at the top! Mum never looked at it, the person from SS felt she was doing a good job and we got a laugh out of it.
Mum is no longer with us but TP was my prop for years; those who remember some of my posts will know I got by with some seriously black humour. Whatever it takes to get you through.
Good luck.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @swarner, welcome to the forum. I hope you will feel at home here.

Two common issue with dementia progression are separation anxiety and loss of perspective in relation to time, I see that in my wife. It's also common for any added stimulus such as people coming and going to increase the confusion of a person with dementia and I suppose that feeds the separation anxiety. We have a carpenter in the apartment at the moment and the extra person has fuelled my wife's anxiety and confusion. Indeed, as I type this she has called out for me, even though I'm in the same room!

It's correct that we have to work around these things as I too have found that things like boards, lists, diaries, etc., only worked for a short while in the very early stages - my wife will sit beside a clock, while wearing a watch, and constantly ask me for the time!. At the moment I am having new internal doors fitted and the living room door will have a long plain glass panel so that when my wife is sitting in that room she can see me doing the housework around our apartment, otherwise she would come looking for me.

You may get some useful information from the Society Publications list that can be found with this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

You may also get some value out of checking for support services in your area and you can do that by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

 

[jaymor]

This behaviour is very common @swarner. My husband was the same, he became my shadow, I could always feel his breath on my neck. I stood up, he stood up. I took it as he needed the assurance that I was still there, I was his comfort, his feel safe place. Getting into the bathroom alone was difficult but he would stand outside saying he needed to tell me something right now, it could not wait etc, etc.

The time came when he forgot who I was and I became the lovely (his word) lady who stayed with him until his wife came back. So his constant question was when would his wife be back. He used his mobile to ring me constantly to see how long I would be. He even rang me from the chair he was sitting in next to me to ask where I was. I answered him on my own mobile and he told me to be quiet, he was talking to his wife. I can smile at it now but at the time it was heartbreaking.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I don't have any advice unfortunately but dad had this phase and it lasted quite some time. He also referred to himself..ie where is he...meaning dad who had been sitting before he moved. It was no use in the end telling him it was actually him who was previously sitting there but what seemed to be accepted some of the time was me replying 'I don't know dad but he will be back soon'

 

[canary]

Ive heard this referred to as the "velcro" stage and it feels just like that - they are stuck to you like velcro!
They are trying to make sense of the world and need someone who they trust to direct and reassure them. If their short-term memory is only 30 seconds long, then anything longer than that time could be a minute, an hour or a whole day - who knows?

 

[garfield3]

Dad had all that with mum before she moved into a nursing home. She is still there, but at end stage now. She would follow him round everywhere . Poor bloke, when he went to the toilet,for a shower no peace. I could see the strain on him. If ,he ever went fishing she would ask and ask relentlessly. Where was dad? And would not sit still- up and down trying to find him, out the front door to see if he was there. I think it lasted about 1-2 yrs, could be wrong though. When hubby and I looked after her for a day you couldn't relax, always watching ,hearing that she hadn't tried to escape. One time she tried to get out a friends moving car. It was't going fast, not the point though.

Good luck with this stage.

 

[marionq]

My husband’s variation on the above is that he knocks politely on all internal doors in our house before entering. I think this feeling of being in a hotel or similar is due to being unable to recognise where they are.

Pete I just noticed you have had plain glass on an internal door. Could you put a sticker or something in the middle of it as a few years ago I had a glass door with no pattern and someone ie me walked into it carrying a plant and cracked it.

 

[Loisand]

I to used a chalk board for mom, but she forgot to read it, even though it was placed in her eye line. Again mom will get up in the morning and ask "is it only us up, why aren't the others up", I go through the same answer every morning. It's all part of the horrible journey of dementia!!