When is the right time to ask for help?

[Pickalily]

My husband of 55years has vascular dementia and mild cognitive impairment. At the moment life can be almost normal, but he is very childlike and relies on me to sort out everything, most of which I have always done anyway, but I am increasingly becoming less and less tolerant of him and I feel guilty for it. Toilet habits are a big issue with him and I usually get a blow by blow account ( aint life wonderful!!) Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I dont sleep well and after a period of reading in the kitchen, returned to bed about 2am. I was woken a while later by an amorous 87 yr old (we havent been intimate for many years) who was in such a state he was shaking with emotion and proceeded to stroking my arm and muttering to himself trying to get closer to me. I felt very intimidated and unsure what to do. Trying not to be nasty (I wanted to) I told him we should get some sleep and he settled down eventually. This isnt the first time its happened recently. I was so upset and tearful, a culmination of things, I rang the Doctor asking for help for me (antidepressants) and I did tell him what had happened during the night but I dont think he was really concerned - he doesnt know me. There have been lots of odd incidents when I've wondered what the hell he is talking about, if I question it he gets angry. He spends a lot of time so called telling me something but I havent a clue what he's talking about. Most of the time I dont bother to listen anymore.
I was talking to a friend who has been through the same experience of dementia with her late husband and she is telling me I need some help, but I question if the time is right. My husband is not a social person, doesnt join clubs and has few friends, so I cant see him agreeing to going to a day centre at the moment even if there are any open. I just thought maybe someone could give me their thoughts
We dont have a social worker or even a number to contact anyone for help and advice
Thank you for taking the time to read anyway

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi @Pickalily i think the time is right for you to get help, even if it is only for a few hours a week, and I think you sense it. My OH just has Alzheimer’s, and although he can still walk, talk and wash and dress with prompts, it’s his behaviour that is challenging for me. For the last 3 yrs I haven’t asked for any help, but my daughter got SS involved, and I have a carer package trialling in the morning. It does feel weird, but if you get help now, it will make it easier. My OH also doesn’t want to go to any clubs, but he will eventually, and it’s all how you put it to him. It’s taken me a long time to learn how to deal with this disease. It’s not easy. I’ve also had the wandering hands, and been told to “let go”! I just move them away! I know others here will come back with some good advice.

 

[karaokePete]

I fully understand the failure to comprehend what the person with dementia may be saying. A couple of years ago I turned it into a guessing game like the old sketch on "The Two Ronnies". My wife is now so bad that the guessing is often a lost cause and that's frustrating for both of us.

When I needed help I asked my GP to do a referral for us and we did get the help we needed. Unfortunately the current crisis meant all that has stopped and I'm just hoping that I don't crack before things get back to some kind of normal.

 

[Pusskins]

My husband of 55years has vascular dementia and mild cognitive impairment. At the moment life can be almost normal, but he is very childlike and relies on me to sort out everything, most of which I have always done anyway, but I am increasingly becoming less and less tolerant of him and I feel guilty for it. Toilet habits are a big issue with him and I usually get a blow by blow account ( aint life wonderful!!) Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I dont sleep well and after a period of reading in the kitchen, returned to bed about 2am. I was woken a while later by an amorous 87 yr old (we havent been intimate for many years) who was in such a state he was shaking with emotion and proceeded to stroking my arm and muttering to himself trying to get closer to me. I felt very intimidated and unsure what to do. Trying not to be nasty (I wanted to) I told him we should get some sleep and he settled down eventually. This isnt the first time its happened recently. I was so upset and tearful, a culmination of things, I rang the Doctor asking for help for me (antidepressants) and I did tell him what had happened during the night but I dont think he was really concerned - he doesnt know me. There have been lots of odd incidents when I've wondered what the hell he is talking about, if I question it he gets angry. He spends a lot of time so called telling me something but I havent a clue what he's talking about. Most of the time I dont bother to listen anymore.
I was talking to a friend who has been through the same experience of dementia with her late husband and she is telling me I need some help, but I question if the time is right. My husband is not a social person, doesnt join clubs and has few friends, so I cant see him agreeing to going to a day centre at the moment even if there are any open. I just thought maybe someone could give me their thoughts
We dont have a social worker or even a number to contact anyone for help and advice
Thank you for taking the time to read anyway

Your situation is very similar to mine and I have finally realised I have to seek help or otherwise go under myself. Like your husband, mine is not social, has never had any friends or joined clubs and has always just wanted to stay at home. During lock down here in NZ I resolved that once it was over, I would get him into a day centre, but that hasn't worked out so far. Firstly I caught a cold which meant I couldn't really connect with others. Do you have contact with your local Alzheimer's Association? They would be able to advise I'm sure. Next week I am ringing our local Alzheimer's nurse for the same reason. I've only been on this journey for a year, but I know I can't take it alone anymore. There is no company or conversation between us and when MH does have anything to say, it makes no sense whatsoever. His personal hygiene is non-existent and he keeps having 'accidents' and our tiny house starts to smell rather malodorous! Good luck with finding help!

 

[White Rose]

Like your husband, mine is not social, has never had any friends or joined clubs

Bit of a theme here, my partner's the same - his job was his life till he retired.
@Pickalily it sounds like you could really do with some help, even if it frees you to go shopping or visit a friend. If you do an internet search you'll probably find there are companies providing care in your location but they can be expensive. There's a website www.care.com where you can place an ad or do a search for freelance care providers in your area - they are more reasonably priced. I found an excellent carer who charges £12 an hour. If you aren't self funding then I think you need to contact Social Services or your council to start with. Good luck.

 

[Pickalily]

Thank you everyone, after my meltdown, I rang the Alzheimers society and spoke to a lovely kind lady who gave me time to talk and listened. She then put me in touch with the local group who have been very helpful with Dr contacting etc. We are now in the process of a referral (cant remember to which service but at least its in hand
On a lighter note, one night he was going to sleep downstairs because he didnt want to 'be a naughty boy'- his words, and make me pregnant! I'm 74 and he's 87 !!!!??