When Do I Admit She Needs Help?

[ash-hello]

Hello everyone. This is my first post. My mother has just been diagnosed with AD and is in her mid-60's. I have been told that she is in the initial stages of the disease. She has just begun Reminyl.

My question is this really: At what point do I admit to my mother that she needs extra support from carers etc? AD has never been mentioned to my mother so far, only that she is suffering from 'memory problems'. She herself first mentioned AD a number of years ago, when her memory problems first became apparent but the family always laughed this off. Sadly, it was prophetic...... My mother lives alone in sheltered accom. and is managing to be independent in a fashion (I look after bills, bank accts etc). But it has become apparent that she is not eating properly. She has admitted that she is forgetting to eat. Also, out of date food is now becoming an issue with the real possibility of food poisoning. (I have just bought a date, day month clock for her wall). My mother's mental health therapist has advised me to pay for daily meals, with a carer to come in and prepare them for her to ensure that they are eaten. The problem is getting my mother's approval to do this. When I have tried to discuss her 'memory problems' she becomes very upset and defensive, refusing to admit that there is an issue (to the extent that there is). She downplays the struggle she obviously has on a day to day basis. I don't want to say to her that she has AD yet but she can't continue to have a poor diet as she will, I am sure, very quickly go into decline. Your thoughts please would be gratefully accepted. PS: (The diagnosis has been a real trauma and has left me feeling uncertain and unsure of anything that is related to my mother and the disease.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello

If your mother is in Sheltered Accommodation, could you ask the advice of the Warden.

If you don`t want to give your mother the diagnosis, perhaps you could just tell her how worried you are that because of her poor memory she might forget to take care of herself properly.

Perhaps a little emotional blackmail will work if you tell her it will make you feel better.

 

[Clive]

Hi Ash

It was hard accepting that mum had this AD illness, which was damaging her mind.

Once I had read many posts here on TP etc I began to accept that it is probably impossible to convince a person suffering from AD what is good for them using logical argument.

I never mentioned the word “Carer” or told mum she needed help or had AD. I just made out that it made it easier for me… or that the Government said she got meals because she was retired… or she should be able to relax a bit now she was not so young. Anything other than telling her that she had to have help because she was not coping. In general I allowed the conversation to flow, never being judgemental, always reinforcing her ideas. If for example she caught me changing the bed linen I would agree with her that I should never have started… that she could do it much quicker than I could…and that I now needed reviving, so let us go and have a cup of tea together while I recovered.

I was very lucky because the first Carer I employed turned up in ordinary everyday cloths, and told mum she had met her before… years ago, (I had briefed her), and had just popped in for a cup of tea with mum and me. It was quite a few weeks before we moved to the next stage of preparing food and insisting that pills were taken. I was very lucky that mum always wanted to be polite when she had a guest.

I just went with the flow, and backed off if there was any confrontation. After all mum always forgot what had happened quite quickly. There was no advantage in trying to discuss anything with mum (due to the illness) and confronting her just caused arguments.

I just jollied everything on and put in place the help that was needed without getting mum to "agree" beforehand.

And yes… I know it is very much easier to say than to do.

Best of luck

Clive

PS. I presume you have Power of Attorney, Attendance Allowance and Council tax rebate set up by now.

 

[ash-hello]

Thank You

Thank you both for your very helpful comments.

Granny G - I have been told by my mother's occupational therapist that my mother's warden should not be notified yet as to my mother's condition. My mother had to have an interview before being given her flat, to ensure that she had all her 'faculties'- this was because I had mentioned to the Housing Dept. that she was suffering from some memory problems (this was pre-diagnosis). As you can imagine, I am concerned that if the warden knows it is AD, it may put my mother's home in jeopardy. I haven't looked into the terms and conditions of my mother's sheltered accomm. rental agreement, and whether the council have rules on AD etc. Even though my mother is in the early stages of the disease, I wouldn't want the worry of the council Housing Dept. being involved at this point.

Clive - your comments are so wise. They have made me re-assess
how I approach everything. I think the best approach as you say is to 'jolly' things along, avoiding confrontation. My mother gets upset and distressed now very easily. Ref. the Power of Att etc. that's all being dealt with.

 

[oldsoulchild]

i read your thread and felt i could almost have written it myself, i think your mum is further on than mine but a very similar situation, my mam still lives in her own house and is still manages fairly well but i can see the signs that are leading to the things that you have said, she hasnt been diagnosed as yet, the doctor is reluctant to start the tests due to her recently having a mini-stroke
so although i dont have any answers or words of wisdom for you,i just wanted you to know that theres someone else whos (almost) in the same boat
x

 

[ash-hello]

My Thoughts Are With You

Thank you for your reply and words of support. I sympathise with you that you find yourself in the same position. My mother's memory problems became apparent approx. 6 years ago. When it was no longer possible to ignore what she was experiencing it then took a long time (and fighting for referrals) for the medical profession to admit there was a problem. You need to go with your instincts... If you feel that your mother is undergoing major changes in her memory, personality, lack of interest in previously loved hobbies etc you need to follow it up for your own peace of mind, as well as your mother's. It is very difficult - trying to do the right thing without hurting your mother's feelings or making her more anxious. My thoughts are with you both.....