What to talk about? Conversation with relatives who have dementia

[will.griffiths]

I have a relative who was first diagnosed with dementia a few years ago and over the last few years I have noticed it is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a two way conversations with her. I feel awkward about asking too many questions as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and she is quick to hang up the phone and end a conversation.

It feels like she is often on edge and not relaxed when having conversations - someone I spoke to recently has mentioned looking through photos together to have something to focus on. I'm not sure if this would make it more difficult if she weren't to recognize the photos etc.?

Has anyone tried this? Any advice would be much appreciated thanks

 

[DollyM1]

I seem to have stopped having a two way meaningful conversation with my father. Rather I talk at him with the odd response from him. It’s a bit like conversing with a toddler. I talk about the weather, what I’ve done at work/hobbies, what the family have been doing.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @will.griffiths Welcome.

When our son used to visit his dad he talked about the same thing every time.

He always took a slice of cake one of our granddaughters made especially for him.

He told him how our grandchildren were doing at school.

He told him how he was doing at work.

He talked to him about their favourite football team

If you can find a common denominator you can use it every time.

When I visited I took some special fruit I knew my husband liked and was unable to get in the care home, a blush pear, a peach or nectarine.

I asked him if he was comfortable/hungry/ sleepy/all right.

I sat quietly and held his hand.

Visits do not need to be long. 15 minutes can be enough.

 

[nitram]

Try talking about the past, shared personal experiences or something general like the 3 day week if you are old enough.

 

[Katiepud]

Questions are not usually a good idea, unless very simple ones as GrannyG suggests. The PWD can get upset/embarrassed that they can't remember the answer. Keep things simple and light, and don't worry if it all gets a bit repetitive. I keep a few stock conversation lines in mind when I visit my mother, based on familiar things she used to like doing, such as watching birds in the garden ( "ooh, I saw a lovely robin this morning"), shopping (" I got a nice new jumper the other day. A bit like your blue one" etc) and reassurances that all is well with me and other family members so she doesn't worry about us. When looking at photographs together, if she is struggling to remember a face, I do prompt her then share a memory or story about that person You have to accept a big shift change in your relationship and tailor the conversations accordingly.

 

[jugglingmum]

When mum was in a care home, I talked about the flowers in the garden as this is something my mum could connect with, similar to katiepud's suggestions.

I once tried asking about her university days and she didn't understand - her long ago memory was pretty gone

It was very much trial and error to see what she could connect with, but I just had to talk really.

I found anything that prompted her to realise she couldn't remember was distressing which narrowed topics somewhat.

In early stages I talked about the children, but later on she didn't really understand she had grandchildren as an abstract, although did when she saw them. She had forgotten I was married but when she saw my husband knew who he was and used his name.

I asked him if he was comfortable/hungry/ sleepy/all right.

My mum couldn't answer these sort of questions fairly early in her dementia illness(6 or 7 years before a care home), although could discuss topical news topics at that stage, as it distressed her I didn't ask.

I once visited and asked her if she'd had a nice lunch (in the on site restaurant at her assisted living) and her reply was I've no idea if I've had lunch or not, but as it's afternoon I suppose I did. This was 7 years before a care home.

I think this shows that what works for one person won't work for another, so try all the suggestions given on here.

Early in mum's illness when I saw her in person we played simple board games - connect 4 was a particular hit, but after a few years these got too difficult.

3 day week

I'm not old enough to remember what this is, but did buy reminisce books of the 40s, 50s and 60s to try with mum, but they didn't jog any memories.

 

[Jane - daughter of PWD]

I have found using the phone with my Mum difficult too. She can often seems abrupt and ends the conversation really quickly. Have you tried video conferencing/ I now facetime her (with the help of my Dad). This works so much better for me and my parents. I get the sense that Mum just wants to see my face and keep a connection. I'm always extra smiley with her and play a little game to see how many times I can make her smile back!. It varies, some days are better than others.
I only ask her questions to do with the current moment as she doesn't appear to have any short term memory anymore. So topics to do with the current weather, what she is wearing. Will she be going out for a walk later, and then a little story about me and the family. I keep the sessions short and regular. I live 200 miles away and want to keep that connection and her recognising me for as long as possible.

 

[Arthurgeorge]

I tell my relatives how good and kind they’ve been as a mother, father, person etc. I reassure them that everybody is fine and everybody is proud of them and loves them.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Don't ask questions they may not know the answer to and definitely don't ask how things are going or what they've been doing since you last visited! They haven't done anything and won't remember anyway...

Be careful going on about your own life too much - it may cause jealousy or they may not know who you are.

Instead, try asking things they'll have an opinion about, e.g. what do you think of my new top? Or my favourite - what colour should I paint my bedroom? I'd take in paint charts and ask for her sage advice because mum always had an opinion on everything. (I haven't actually decorated in years!) Or I'm having chicken - how do you think I should cook it/make gravy/what to have with it. Those sort of memories (and opinions!) tend to remain because they're generalised rather than specific. And my mum liked to be asked for 'advice' - I suppose it made her feel useful. I used to take in a rose catalogue too and get her to choose suitable varieties for my garden. Mum had never done much gardening but was never short of an opinion about what I should do...

 

[sdmhred]

I tend to just not talk. We ‘sit‘ together. We watch TV, listen to the radio - mum will stare or sleep and I perhaps do some mindful colouring or even get on with my admin tasks.

Yesterday when my sister joined me, my sister and I played scrabble which is an old family favourite. Mum played with my sister and helped pick the counters up etc etc. she thought she had been playing and had a great time ….and shocked us both at the end telling my sister she had found a word - which she had ‘in’ 🙈🙈🥰🥰