To break up the visit with someone who can't really communicate...like Hazel suggested meal times are good, another thing I used to do, is go for a walk or wheelchair push(and just comment on things that you go by), if the dementia sufferer can still drink unthickened fluids, making coffee or a tea passes the time (used to sit Dad down, say "How about I make you a cuppa? We can have a nice cup of coffee together...you look like you could do with a coffee, I know I do...blah, blah, blah (after a bit of practice you can get quite good at talking without getting a response and at the same time not appearing rude and uncaring)", go organise the putting the jug on etc...come back and check 'Are you comfortable in that chair? It does look really comfortable, I think I should have picked that one for me!"..go back to the jug, potter around..turn back to Dad "Don't worry I'll make sure you've got your three teaspoons of sugar, I know you like it that way"...carry on pottering around making the coffee, come back and sit down and tell him the coffee's ready just letting it cool a bit first "Why don't we just sit here and enjoy the peace and quiet for bit while we wait?" Sit quietly for a while, just holding hands...and so on and so forth...you can do this kind of prattle quite easily after a while. I hardly ever used to bring up mine or his old home life...talk about things you see in the home, comment on how well so and so is looking, notice the new magazines, or furniture, speculate on what activities have been happening in the home...
I know it sounds like this conversation asks a lot of questions which can be problematic when dealing with someone who can't answer back, but after a while you get good at asking questions without sounding like you need a response, or by answering the questions yourself. Eg. "I heard that they had a church group come in and sing? That would have been nice...so long as they were in tune! I hope you got to see them, I will ask the nurses to make sure you do next time if you didn't this time. I'm sure you'll let us know if you don't want to hear them sing, they can be awfully loud sometimes can't they?"
I promise you, it does get easier...some days depending on their mood, just being there being quiet is all they want of you...this is something else you get good at, sensing when your behaviour is annoying, upsetting or tiring them and changing it accordingly.
I used to spend an hour a day, visiting Dad who couldn't communicate, when I first started I used to wonder how the heck I would fill that hour, but that is also something I did that may help...I used to initially
force myself to stay for an hour...if you don't give yourself an option, you start to find ways to fill it and make the time pass as fast as possible. Of course if it is too hard for you to force yourself to do anything just now, go easy on yourself...but if you can handle it, it does make you plan out your visits, so that the time can pass. My god did I want that time to pass!!!
Possible activities:
* A walk, time passes quite well as you let them wander about, looking at whatever interests them, going into public areas and wandering about commenting on what is seen, what is different/new, etc.
* A coffee or tea break - the preparation, the waiting for jug to boil, waiting for tea to cool etc also passes the time. If they can eat biscuits or fruit, something else to pass the time and comment on.
* Sitting in front of a tv if they are interested in watching it - holding hands and just commenting every now and then about what is on.
* Meal times - Preparing for the meal to be served, feeding the person each course, going and finding out when the next course is to be served or going and getting it yourself..all passes time.
* Sitting down somewhere where you can see people going by, or cars on the street, or comment on how wonderful the breeze is, how nice the garden looks etc.
* If they don't object, some kind of care routine, moisturising (something I never thought my rough tough Dad would put up with) became a regular activity as his skin would get quite dry and scaley in the home. Other suggestions - going through their clothes and discussing whether they need new stuff, putting up new photos, tidying the room, etc.
* Just being there - quiet times are good too. Sometimes they are just happy to sit and stare into space.
Lastly timing can be everything. For example I wouldn't get to the home just when dinner started or we'd be all done in 20 mins and I'd still have 40mins to fill.
If I'd get there 20mins before dinner, then a bit of a walk, then 'oh we'd better go get ready for dinner' and before you knew it 20mins was gone, then 20 mins for dinner, then 20mins of watching tv or moving to another area to relax.
Hope some of this might help make you feel more calm about visits.
Take care,