What To Do?

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
Essex
I'm in a dither.

Mum is in a residential home with dementia, although she is going through a really good period at the moment and seems to be having some very lucid thought processes. This however is my problem. She keeps asking me when she can go home to live with my dad in their flat.

Dad is physically very frail and has quite a large care package. I take him to visit mum every Saturday in his wheelchair. This is now not enough for mum in her current "clear minded" state.

I talked it over with her keyworker and she suggested that I take mum home for a visit with dad mid week and they will deal with any consequences ie if mum becomes agitated or upset upon her return to the carre home. I'm really worried though that mum will get very upset indeed and her present calm state will be ruined. At the same time I really want mum and dad to spend as much time together as possible.

I've been dithering about this all day - I'd be interested to hear your opinions or suggestions.

Many thanks
BettyL
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Hi BettyL

My first reaction is that you are right to be wary. If your mum really wants to go home, visiting might just make her more upset.

Would it be possible for you to take your dad in more often, and perhaps take them both out for lunch, or for a drive?

I'm sorry if I'm suggesting the impossible, but I'd go for some sort of compromise rather than take her home.
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
Essex
Thanks very much for your response Skye but to be honest with you it's really hard going getting dad out of his armchair, getting him ready to go out and then getting him into his wheelchair - and that's before we get out of the front door!

Seriously though, the Saturday trips often tax dad to his limit. It might get easier in the summer but I don't think it's an option at the moment.

You're right - I am very wary about taking mum for a visit home. I did it a couple of times when mum was in the mental health unit at the local hospital for 10 months, but she certainly wasn't so lucid then and was often anxious to get back to the hospital!

At the moment I keep changing my mind. I'm just hoping for some inspiration.

Thanks
BettyL
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,144
Kent
Betty I`m surprised at the key worker suggesting you take your mother home for a visit, especially as she ssems to be missing it so much.

I`m afraid I`d chicken out. I couldn`t face the possible upset. I feel it would be worse than the upset your mother feels now, wanting to go home.

But you know her best. You are really in a difficult position and I don`t envy you one bit.

Sorry to sound so negative. It`s such a sad situation.

Love xx
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
Essex
Well - I slept on this problem - and I'm still dithering.

I think that whatever decision I make there will be problems. If I don't take mum to visit dad tomorrow, she is highly likely to go into a big strop. If I do take her, she's likely to get very upset when she has to return to the home.

I'm not going to think about it again today - I'm taking myself off shopping! I hope the solution will just come to me tomorrow morning.

Thanks all
BettyL
 

Mameeskye

Registered User
Aug 9, 2007
1,669
56
NZ
HI Betty

Is there any chance that your Mum's keyworker could come with you for the visit?

It is probably one of the few regrets that I had with my Mum is that she never said her own goodbye to her home, although to be honest I am not sure that she would have recognised it. However if I had had a carer to come with me I might have tried it.

It may be that your Mum does not settle while she is there as it is not the "home" that she is remembering in her head, that "home" instead is a feeling. The care worker may give you some help should she prove distressed when you try to return to the NH.

Good luck though with whatever you decide.

Mameeskye
 

BettyL

Registered User
Jan 20, 2008
60
Essex
Just to let you know that in the end I chickened out of taking mum home to visit dad.

In the end it wasn't a big deal as mum was too busy falling out with a resident called Elizabeth, to remember she expected to visit dad today.

If it's not one thing it's another! I really do understand why mum gets irritated with Elizabeth - she's an ex nursing sister who thinks she's still on her ward and is incredibly bossy. But before dementia mum would have just walked away or ignored it. But not now.

The home seem to deal with it all very well, but mum get's so upset. So, something else to worry about. This on top of a two hour meeting with dad's SW and carers, where more boxes had to be ticked!!! I'm exhausted today - work tomorrow - :eek: