What to do when in some ways my carer needs more help than I do.

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by shelagh, Feb 9, 2016.

  1. shelagh

    shelagh Registered User

    Sep 28, 2009
    I'm not sure if I should be writing this at all but I am so worried I don't know what to do. My husband is my only carer and he is a wonderful caring man. But he has insulin dependent diabetes, refuses to keep to any sort of diet, smokes 80 cigarettes a day. Had a heart attack last year and also has Aspergers syndrome. Last year he had a heart attack and discharged himself from hospital after tests had shown he needed a by pass because he had two partially blocked arteries. He is also worse with money than anyone I have ever met and I have always been the one who took care of the finances. At 76 I am still working partly because it is the most normal thing in my life and I love what I do but also because we are really need the money. OH hasn't worked for 20 year s and needs the whole of his small pension for cigarettes. I have been working all day and he said he would make supper- bacon egg and mushrooms which took him two hours. We are both totally exhausted. Carers are usually the exhausted strong ones but at the moment I feel I am doing more caring and having to be strong when I feel so much in need myself. I even feel guilty for writing this but had to tell someone
  2. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland
    Shelagh, I don't have any answers but am sending you as much strength and solidarity as the Internet can transmit. Please know that you are awesome!!
  3. aprilbday

    aprilbday Registered User

    Jan 27, 2016
    Washington, DC USA
    I join in with that strength to empower you to get through it all. I am sorry that you are going through this. Hold on. Use humor when you can, tears when you can't and prayer without ceasing. Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you. Feel it! Wrapping you up in my big ole arms.
  4. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    I can hear the frustration in your words. Have you checked anywhere to see if you can be helped financially at least? Citizens advice maybe able to help you.

    I can understand your concern about your husbands health too. Do you have anyone else to help you with regard to being in charge of finances etc in case anything happened to either of you? Maybe worth considering. Your husbands cigarettes aren't doing you much good either, if you told him this would he smoke elsewhere or cut down?

    I can completely understand your need for your job, to keep you in the normal routine as well as giving you a break from home. Such a shame.

    No doubt you have pointed out the obvious to your husband but he's probably in denial or set in his ways. So hard for you as well as worrying. I can only send you hugs and hope by some miracle things improve for you.
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry to read about your situation. I wondered if you had been in touch with the local branch of the Alzheimer Society to ask for advice. This link will give you contact details for your area -


    It might be a good idea for you to ring the National Dementia Helpline for advice. This is their number 300 222 1112

    This is the link which tells you more about the service-


    They are open from 9am to 8pm today.

    Please think about giving them a ring.
  6. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015

    No need to feel guilty at all. You need lots of support. I don't understand your health system at all. Did you have a care assessment? Have you support from public health nurse? It is great that you enjoy your work. Are there social clubs in your area?

    Am rambling!

    Smoking is a difficult one.

    Sending you a huge virtual hug.


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