What to do for the best

[silversocks]

I along with one of my brothers help to care for my mum with mixed dementia, Had a bad few weeks with we think the mermantine , dosage now reduced and although no improvement on the memory etc, not feeling dizzy now and no calls so far this week to 999.

My brother seems reluctant to consider a care home, but I dont know how much longer I can keep this pace up, I get calls at work and have to leave at the drop of a hat, so does he, the paramedic is now on first name terms as mum keeps ringing 999 and then they ring me or my brother,

I feel guilty for working and having my own family,we have carers at various times of the day, it is frustrating that I have to keep answering the same questions, I try to look for alternative answers, but it is also heartbreaking to hear my mum ask for her mum and dad, sister and brother (all dead for many years). I play along with the buying food for my dad (dead for 20 years). everytime i go and i call 3 / 4 times a day i get asked have you come to take me home? - how do I keep answering this question? I no longer try to explain that the house she is in has been the family home for 40 years and try to ask her what was great about the place she thinks is home

 

[Pete1]

i go and i call 3 / 4 times a day i get asked have you come to take me home? - how do I keep answering this question? I no longer try to explain that the house she is in has been the family home for 40 years and try to ask her what was great about the place she thinks is home[/QUOTE


Hi @silversocks, I certainly found that extremely challenging, sadly it isn't uncommon, but that is little solace to you at this time. My Mum rang me asking to go 'home' and questioning where her parents were - it was heartbreaking to go through. At this point 'home' was her childhood home and she could recite the address. I'm assuming Mum isn't yet trying to get 'home' on her own accord? That for me was the point when I decided that residential care was the only safe option for Mum. Prior to that she was having carers 4 times a day and me coming round in the afternoon - that simply was not longer workable. She was extremely anxious being left alone in an alien property that was actually her own that she had lived in for 25 years. It was a game changer, she was no longer safe, she was frightened and confused, I couldn't let that continue. What I will say Mum never wanted residential care, but when she went into the care home she was far happier, the anxiety disappeared after a few days. There was more for her to do and constant company, I kicked myself for fighting against it for so long (I was trying to keep her 'home' which was no longer somewhere she recognised as home - when I thought about it in retrospect it makes no sense!). It does sound as though your Mum would benefit from 24/7 care now. It's a really difficult decision. Stay strong and keep posting.

 

[Champers]

I think it sounds like you should be actively moving your mother to a care home now. I know it’s very difficult to know exactly when to make that decision but probably slightly too early than too late when something drastic has happened. The fact she is ringing 999 without realising the consequences and seriousness of her actions suggests she is already pretty vulnerable.

I understand your dilemma completely about taking your mother from her home. I kind of clung to the notion that mine was better in familiar surroundings but the fact that she doesn’t now know where she, is makes me think she has gone beyond that stage. For a long time I would patiently explain to my mother that this was her home where she’d lived for 50 years. It reassured her temporarily but one day I actually asked her where “home” was and, just like Pete1 says, she gave me her address in London where she grew up, Things are fine when there are carers or you’re visiting, but what happens when your are not there? You seem to be doing the most caring too and eventually, you will run out off of stamina and your health and family will suffer. Dementia just doesn’t only affect the suffer, it takes those around along for the unpleasant ride too.

No disrespect to your brother, but my husband was also initially very similar about moving both our mothers into CH. I think some chaps think that as long as everything seems to be ticking along, why mess with it? Only because they are sometimes unaware that it’s only ticking along because you’re running around like a blue bottomed fly to keep it that way. As so many wiser than me people have said on here, just because your loved one goes into a CH doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring about them, you’ve all just moved onto another phase where full time professionals can provide a more modified approach. Xx