Hello there
I have posted quite a bit in this forum over the past 3 years about the ups and downs with my elderly mother and have had a lot of support and advice.
Things havn't really changed in that Mum lives next door to me but on her own. (she's 93 and in the early stages of dementia as of May 2016). She refused all care and relies on me and my brother to look after things for her. She spends all day and night on her own and I do try and see her as much as I can. My brother sees her every 3 to 6 months. Mum has not been to see her GP for four years. I would say mum is still in the early stages of dementia. She's alright in her home but out of it she goes to pieces.
Mum is in good health but is very frail, thin and find it hard to walk in a straight line and usually shuffles along.
Mum has made it crystal clear to me and my brother that she just wants to be left alone, she is happy as she is and is happy just watching TV and pottering about. She does not want anything to do with Social Services, her GP. She doesn't want people popping in to see her. No carers thank you. She can look after her own house thank you. Doesn't need help with the housework thank you. She is always pleased to see me every Sunday when I visit.
My brother and me have always impressed on mum not to leave her home because she gets lost (she's been locked out in the past, another time she lost her purse and couldn't get home). I know it can be lonely for mum but she refuses to socialise and seems just happy to watch tv all day.
About a month ago she decided to get a bus into town but got totally exhausted in Sainsburys and the staff arranged for a taxi to get her home the only thing was she'd forgotten her address. I got involved when a furious taxi driver was banging on my door because he'd been driving around for an hour trying to find mum's home. Mum was terribly upset over this and, as far as I know, she's not been out since. She looked dreadful and it took a while to calm her down.
It was around this time that Mum developed terrible back pain and I put it down to the stress caused by her trip into town. I normally keep an eye on mum and usually know all is okay if her bedroom curtains open every day. One weekend mum's curtains were not open as usual and so I popped over to see her and I was shocked at what I saw. Mum was incredible amount of pain from her lower back. She was in her dressing gown at 2:00 pm in the afternoon having been in bed for two days. Her dressing gown was filthy. The kitchen was in a mess with broken dishes on the kitchen top. Her kitchen is usually very cluttered but this time it was really bad, just messy. There were plastic bottles everywhere and the place just needed a good tidy up. I know mum was in pain and probably couldn't do much. It's pretty obvious she can't cope.
Mum did something that she's never done before she asked me to make her cup of tea because she was in such pain she couldn't do it herself. I always offer but no she wants to do it. She sat in her favourite chair racked with pain. She hadn't eaten for two days as she had lost her appetite. She couldn't get out of her chair. I went and got her some pain killers (solubable) which she drank then, whilst I was making a second cup of tea she took four paracetamol that I had brought over because she'd forgotten she had the soluable painkillers. I offered to make her something to eat but she was not hungry.
I looked at mum's thin little legs and I notice that they were dark red from the feet to the calves. She was thin and frail and looked so ill,
We chatted for a couple of hours and she told me the pain was going off. I got the impression she wanted me to leave but I made sure she had got enough food before I left. I rang her that evening and she told me the pain was better. I suggested that I take to her GP but she would have none of it saying that sh'e got lumbago and that it will go..she was telling me in her own way to 'back off'.
My daughter popped in to see her last Sunday and she said her nan was okay.
I've been working all work and havn't had a chance to visit mum but usually see her Sundays for a catch up. I can't just pop in see mum as I work long hours.
Over the last couple of days mum's curtains are closed all day. The windows are tight shut even though its bright sunshine and warm outside. Normally, she's got the TV on all day so loud that I can hear from my house. (again, this is my way of making sure she's okay) but over the past couple of days no TV, total silence. I've called her couple of times but just get voicemail.
I can see her back door from my back bedroom and today it was open for a while when I was going to work (I was so relieved) but it was closed when I got back tonight at 8 pm. Her house is all in darkness and has been like this all week. No lights on. Bedroom curtains closed. Living room curtains closed. No tv blaring.
I am going to see her tomorrow and I'm dreading what I'll find. When I saw mum last she said to me that she lies awake at night wondering what's going to happen her if she falls ill. I said that she should just live for now and not to worry.
What can I do to help a parent who is frightened but refuses all help? I just wish she'd accept outside help.
I know mum so well having lived next door to her for several years. I know her habits, moods, wants and needs. I've never known mum to behave like this. I'm frightened too.
I've contacted mum;s GP myself but mum got mad and told the GP that I can't involved in her medical issues. I've contacted social care who visited mum and wrote to her but mum turned on me and was furious. She goes to an eye consultant but won;t have me with her during the consultation. I've spoken to the local dementia help team to organise a day visit for mum but mum doesn;t want to get involved with that. I tried to organise attendance allowance so mum was 'in the system' but my brother and me couldn't put dementia on the form as the reason for the claim because mum doesn't accept she has dementia.
I feel so worried for mum and feel this is the crisis that we've all been dreading. I have to make that visit tomorrow morning but i'm dreading it and I'm doing this my own.
Any advice would be gratefully received.
I have posted quite a bit in this forum over the past 3 years about the ups and downs with my elderly mother and have had a lot of support and advice.
Things havn't really changed in that Mum lives next door to me but on her own. (she's 93 and in the early stages of dementia as of May 2016). She refused all care and relies on me and my brother to look after things for her. She spends all day and night on her own and I do try and see her as much as I can. My brother sees her every 3 to 6 months. Mum has not been to see her GP for four years. I would say mum is still in the early stages of dementia. She's alright in her home but out of it she goes to pieces.
Mum is in good health but is very frail, thin and find it hard to walk in a straight line and usually shuffles along.
Mum has made it crystal clear to me and my brother that she just wants to be left alone, she is happy as she is and is happy just watching TV and pottering about. She does not want anything to do with Social Services, her GP. She doesn't want people popping in to see her. No carers thank you. She can look after her own house thank you. Doesn't need help with the housework thank you. She is always pleased to see me every Sunday when I visit.
My brother and me have always impressed on mum not to leave her home because she gets lost (she's been locked out in the past, another time she lost her purse and couldn't get home). I know it can be lonely for mum but she refuses to socialise and seems just happy to watch tv all day.
About a month ago she decided to get a bus into town but got totally exhausted in Sainsburys and the staff arranged for a taxi to get her home the only thing was she'd forgotten her address. I got involved when a furious taxi driver was banging on my door because he'd been driving around for an hour trying to find mum's home. Mum was terribly upset over this and, as far as I know, she's not been out since. She looked dreadful and it took a while to calm her down.
It was around this time that Mum developed terrible back pain and I put it down to the stress caused by her trip into town. I normally keep an eye on mum and usually know all is okay if her bedroom curtains open every day. One weekend mum's curtains were not open as usual and so I popped over to see her and I was shocked at what I saw. Mum was incredible amount of pain from her lower back. She was in her dressing gown at 2:00 pm in the afternoon having been in bed for two days. Her dressing gown was filthy. The kitchen was in a mess with broken dishes on the kitchen top. Her kitchen is usually very cluttered but this time it was really bad, just messy. There were plastic bottles everywhere and the place just needed a good tidy up. I know mum was in pain and probably couldn't do much. It's pretty obvious she can't cope.
Mum did something that she's never done before she asked me to make her cup of tea because she was in such pain she couldn't do it herself. I always offer but no she wants to do it. She sat in her favourite chair racked with pain. She hadn't eaten for two days as she had lost her appetite. She couldn't get out of her chair. I went and got her some pain killers (solubable) which she drank then, whilst I was making a second cup of tea she took four paracetamol that I had brought over because she'd forgotten she had the soluable painkillers. I offered to make her something to eat but she was not hungry.
I looked at mum's thin little legs and I notice that they were dark red from the feet to the calves. She was thin and frail and looked so ill,
We chatted for a couple of hours and she told me the pain was going off. I got the impression she wanted me to leave but I made sure she had got enough food before I left. I rang her that evening and she told me the pain was better. I suggested that I take to her GP but she would have none of it saying that sh'e got lumbago and that it will go..she was telling me in her own way to 'back off'.
My daughter popped in to see her last Sunday and she said her nan was okay.
I've been working all work and havn't had a chance to visit mum but usually see her Sundays for a catch up. I can't just pop in see mum as I work long hours.
Over the last couple of days mum's curtains are closed all day. The windows are tight shut even though its bright sunshine and warm outside. Normally, she's got the TV on all day so loud that I can hear from my house. (again, this is my way of making sure she's okay) but over the past couple of days no TV, total silence. I've called her couple of times but just get voicemail.
I can see her back door from my back bedroom and today it was open for a while when I was going to work (I was so relieved) but it was closed when I got back tonight at 8 pm. Her house is all in darkness and has been like this all week. No lights on. Bedroom curtains closed. Living room curtains closed. No tv blaring.
I am going to see her tomorrow and I'm dreading what I'll find. When I saw mum last she said to me that she lies awake at night wondering what's going to happen her if she falls ill. I said that she should just live for now and not to worry.
What can I do to help a parent who is frightened but refuses all help? I just wish she'd accept outside help.
I know mum so well having lived next door to her for several years. I know her habits, moods, wants and needs. I've never known mum to behave like this. I'm frightened too.
I've contacted mum;s GP myself but mum got mad and told the GP that I can't involved in her medical issues. I've contacted social care who visited mum and wrote to her but mum turned on me and was furious. She goes to an eye consultant but won;t have me with her during the consultation. I've spoken to the local dementia help team to organise a day visit for mum but mum doesn;t want to get involved with that. I tried to organise attendance allowance so mum was 'in the system' but my brother and me couldn't put dementia on the form as the reason for the claim because mum doesn't accept she has dementia.
I feel so worried for mum and feel this is the crisis that we've all been dreading. I have to make that visit tomorrow morning but i'm dreading it and I'm doing this my own.
Any advice would be gratefully received.
