Hi Sarah, I'm in a similar position with my mum. She still lives alone (I'm about 10 mins away) She cant make any meals, she struggles to decide what to wear. She struggles with everyday living to be honest, making a cuppa is difficult for her, she forgets to wash & clean her teeth, cant cope with phone calls unless its me. She struggles with conversation with more than one person and so on. I go every morning and do whatever is necessary. I go every tea time after work, make a meal spend some time with her maybe do a jigsaw, watch Tv, go for a walk if weather good etc. I have every Wednesday off to take her out and do things I think she'd like. I try my very best to spend as much time with her as I can over a weekend. However, she cries everytime I leave. She asks why I'm leaving her alone. She is very anxious. She gets very angry with me for dumping her and making her stay on her own. She sometimes calls me in the night to ask if its right that she is on her own? She is always looking for someone. I have a family (very understanding thankfully) but it is becoming harder and harder to give my mum the care she needs. I have had some health issues lately, brought on mainly as I have been neglecting myself and am stressed (surprisingly)
I asked Social Services to come and do an assessment, that I was at my wits end and could no longer cope.. They came and she put on a marvellous show for them. Talked about all the things she used to do. All the meals she used to make. Said she was ok, but just didn't like being on her own. They recommended she get a pet to keep her company a cat or a budgie! (she cant even look after herself!!) She would be self funded if she went in a care home, but they said if they were funding her, they wouldn't recommend she went into fulltime care!
I was amazed. They didn't seem to have listened to what I had told them.
I went on holiday recently and after a lot of soul searching I decided put mum in a care home for respite care while I was away. Previously friends and relatives had helped out. She's too far gone for that now. I had taken her to the home for days for a couple of weeks previously to me going away. The night she went in for the week she was very distressed. I nearly didn't go away. However, although it wasn't perfect she was quite well and happy when I collected her a week later.
Now she is home she is completely confused. Keeps asking me to take her home? Doesn't know where she is.
I have decided that for my mum's well being and my health and well being she will have to go into a home permanently. It is not ideal, of course, she will be self funded and will have to sell her home. But how much longer can I go on before I completely collapse and then no good to her at all. I know it'll take her a while to settle. I know she'll ask to go home, but she is doing that now. I know that I'll find it difficult, upsetting and heartbreaking and so will mum probably. But nowadays she is not happy anywhere, she is confused and anxious in her own home, so what do we have to lose by her going in a care home.
It has taken me a long time to come to this stage and everyone has to do what they think is right at the time. I am only ringing the care home today to arrange for my mum to go in permanently. Money is a masssive factor. Mum only has enough money, even with the sale of her house, to last maybe 3/4 years if we're lucky. The home is approx £600pw the council would allow approx £450 pw if they were funding. My main concern is that when her money runs out, I can not top the difference (been working part time to look after her for years so not built up much savings myself) will she be moved to somewhere else? However, things are at such a stage now that I just think I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.
I sincerely send you my very best wishes that you get sorted. You may feel that this week is just a bad week (hell knows we've all have them) but if you're realistic you know there will be lots of bad weeks coming up. I strongly feel that carers have to become selfish (which is alien to us) think of yourself. You have to have a life. You have to give yourself a break. You have to be fair to yourself. Then you can be fair to your mum. You can give her what she needs from you, which is a mother daughter relationship and leave the caring to professionals. Someone at an Alzheimer meeting told me that if my mother had Cancer there would be carers available to help her and help me. No-one would expect me to be her only help. No-one would expect a non professional to care for someone in the latter stages of cancer alone. So why should it be any different if my mum has dementia? Why should my mum not have the care she deserves?