What do do for the best?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Rodelinda, Nov 11, 2016.

  1. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    Short version. Booked 2 weeks' respite for my mother (90, vascular dementia) so we could have a break (we're exhausted by being awake/alert 24/7). We also booked 4 days away - my OH is retiring and is giving some final lectures/seminars (in the UK) and I'm going along. Care home 1 couldn't cope as mother agressive, wandery and felt they couldn't keep her safe; care home 2 (dementia specialist) also couldn't cope after 2 nights as v agressive (including hitting staff and causing injury), 8 falls in two nights and cut herself in several places, and seems to have UTI. Dementia team managed with GP to get her admitted to hospital - so far (in 28 hours) been in A&E and two wards and about to go to another (I won't moan about the lost walking frame and hearing aid!). No diagnosis yet and she is v confused. So far of our 14 days respite I've spent the first 5 still on the ceiling with worry and having to deal with the various challenges albeit not without support.

    Dementia team adamant that we shouldn't have her back home and that they will find her somewhere that will take her, agression and all. They're also clear that we need our break and should not cancel.

    My problem. We are booked on a train at 10am Sunday, away until 9pm Wednesday. Dementia team not around over the weekend. Can I, in all honesty, assuming my mother is no worse tomorrow when I go to see her, just leave her in hospital and say that they need to talk to the dementia team when they want to discharge her? It feels callous and uncaring of me but we really need a few days break and I know she is in a safe place and will be looked after. I'll be on the end of the phone and would be able to get back within half a day if necessary. Am I a dreadful daughter even thinking of this? Am I abandoning my mother when she needs me? What's worse is that I don't think I can cope with her coming back here and would certainly want to know that this agressive behaviour is not going to be the norm - she doesn't half pack a punch with her walking stick! I'm not asking for validation just thoughts.
  2. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    My thoughts are...GO!

    Bottom line is, if you collapse under this, someone else will have to sort it anyway.

    You are a daughter, not a miracle worker or superwoman who can run on fumes.

    You need to go, with your husband.

    You can't fix everything.

    Please give yourself a break

    Lin x
  3. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Go - as you said - she is in a safe place - they aren't going to send her anywhere that isn't safe

    And you are not a bad daughter, you need the break to keep on looking after her
  4. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Ditto.... go!!
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Another ditto, absolutely!
  6. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    Middle England
    You should go.
    I'm sure that a little time will allow you the opportunity to relax your body and mind and see the situation mum, you and your husband are in with a new perspective. As others have said, mum will be in a safe place and much as you dearly want to you can't fix all mum's issues by yourself.
    Thinking of you.
  7. Beetroot

    Beetroot Registered User

    Aug 19, 2015
    It's difficult - intellectually, I am sure you know you should go; emotionally, it's hard. The dementia team are looking out for her so in effect you'd be leaving her for Sunday only, not for the full five days. She is safe as she can be and nothing terrible can happen that wouldn't happen even if you were home.

    I hope you enjoy the break and come back rested and refreshed.
  8. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    Thank you - and a rather surprising update

    Final update on this thread. Kept in touch with hospital while away; went in to see my mother on return. Talked to consultant that day. She had significantly deteriorated since being admitted, had pulled out her canula, was not eating or drinking, was confused and restless, wasn't talking or responding to touch. She was very disturbed, especially at night, and in the first few days had been agressive and continually trying to get out of bed and falling. The consultant and nurses were very kind and caring and decision was that she was now on end of life care. Now on fast track discharge for NHS funded continuing health care which should be agreed tomorrow and then to a nursing home as she needs continual nursing care. It's now 5 days since my return and there's no improvement. As she was moved to a different ward last night I've seen another consultant today who confirms that she is in the very last and severe stage of vascular dementia and they are doing all they can to make her comfortable. It's a bit of a shock to say the least. So thanks all for your support over this - I appreciated what you said and also heard it from the professionals. Just sad that this has happened so suddenly. Sue
  9. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    Sorry to read of what you're going though, and your mother of course. I hope that your mother gets the care she needs to see her through peacefully and that you all can find the strength to get though this difficult time x
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Im glad that you took your break, but sad that your mum has reached this stage.
    We will hold your virtual hand through it.
  11. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    The very final stage to this saga

    The final act in this thread is for me to report that my mother died yesterday evening. She is now at peace and I am grateful that she did not have to suffer for long all the indignities and hurt that so many of you report for your loved ones. I'm a bit shocked at the speed of it - 4 weeks ago we celebrated her 90th birthday with a family party at which she enjoyed her food, drank some wine and gave a short thank you speech. I'm so glad we have good memories of that evening with almost all the close family together. I'm feeling sad and tearful, a bit numb and very tired but also a bit relieved in all sorts of ways. Thanks all for listening
  12. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mum. x

    Lin x
  13. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    So sorry to read this, the speed of it all brings it's own problems but so glad you have those precious memories of her birthday party. Take good care of yourself xx
  14. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    (((((Hugs))))), Sue.
  15. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm sorry to read your news but glad that your mum is at peace now. Sending my condolences.
  16. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Oh I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.
  17. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Rodelinda, I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Please accept my condolences on the death of your mother. I will be thinking of you and your family.
  18. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    Oh Rodelinda what a shock. I'm so sorry but am glad you had that lovely birthday celebration to remember x
  19. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I am sorry for your loss. The speed of her passing will bring its own problems but I am glad that your mother's suffering was not further prolonged.
  20. NanLorac

    NanLorac Registered User

    May 14, 2012
    I'm sorry for your loss Sue. Take care. x

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