1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Well what a scare I had yesterday.

    As usual on my day off work I look after my daughter and niece (both aged 2) and my mum. Yesterday I also had my 8 year old nephew and my mother in law.

    Foolishly perhaps we changed routine because I wanted to take the girls to a "beach" they had set up in our town centre with donkey rides and stuff. Thought it would be okay as I had my MIL with me.

    Plonked mum down in a deck chair next to MIL (who I'm blessed to have cos she's great with mum) while I looked after the kids. MIL looked away for 30 seconds - mum had gone.

    Never been so frantic in my life. It was lucky my MIL was with me otherwise I'd never have found mum with the kids in tow - as it was I left them with MIL and took off running round looking for her - where do I find her? In M&S buying curry - she doesn't even like curry!!!

    I know that these things are going to happen but when I tried to talk to dad about it he just brushed it off as not being important because she does it when he's out with her. I tried to explain that I'm not always in a position to run after her with two toddlers but he just didn't get it at all.

    Even my MIL tried to talk to him about getting mum a carer when she's out with me so at least I wouldn't have to try to keep my eyes on everyone at once but he's not having it because he thinks mum wouldn't like it. The problem is that once my sister and I have another baby, on my day off I'm going to have four children under the age of three!! How can I chase mum as well?

    I'm so frustrated with him but the more I push him the worse he gets but if I don't push him he still does nothing.

    I even had to take her out to the pictures last night so he could go to a local AZ group (which is a big step for him I'll admit) and then drive her home at 15 miles an hour because he wasn't back and he doesn't want her to know he was gone. I stopped for petrol, I let out a hundred cars in front of me - she must have wondered what on earth I was doing!!!

    I'm sorry to whine but I'm just so frustrated!!!:mad:
     
  2. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Dear Kate

    Sorry to hear about the day you had. It sounds like you definitely had too many charges yesterday! :)

    I think your dad needs to be a little more understanding of your situation; you are, after all, not your mother's carer, but her daughter. I'm in the same boat, so I don't say that lightly.

    He sounds as if he's half willing to deal with the situation (by going to an AZ group), but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, doesn't want to face up to things. Can you and your sister not sit down together with him (and possibly your MIL as a sort of 'objective' outsider) and have a chat. You should mention your own plans to extend your family and that over time mum is going to get worse. If you had some concrete solutions (I know you've said you mentioned carers to him), and had back-up from others, he might be interested? I'm aware you don't want him to feel cornered by this approach, but he does need a 'nudge.'

    Vent your frustration any time - that's what TP is here for.

    Let us know how things go and take care of yourself.
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Kate, I'm not surprised you're frustrated. There's no way you can be responsible for your mum and two children, let alone four.

    I don't think your dad can have an idea of how hard it is. When he takes your mum out, he has so-one else to keep an eye on.

    I think you have to lay the law down. Tell your dad that it's not safe for you to take them all out, and you're not prepared to do it any more. You're going to be prepared to stick to it, even if it means you don't take your mum out for a couple of weeks. It's the only way you're going to get through to him, as long as you carry on, he'll let you.

    Sounds cruel, I know, but honestly, I just don't think it's safe for either your mum or your children.

    Love,
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Dear Kate, you have too many dependent `charges` to take out together, even with the help of MIL.

    Your dear dad needs to come down to earth. The only way is a frank discussion.

    He`s very lucky he has so much support from you. I` think he`s taking you for granted, unintentionally I`m sure, but he won`t realize unless you tell him straight.

    Love xx
     
  5. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Kate

    Your post struck a chord with me. My twin sons were 18 months when my Mum was first diagnosed with dementia. Mum was a widow, lived by herself and expected me to stay with her when I came to visit. My brother could not see what my problem was but it was like dealing with triplets...and I was already exhausted from the twins and wanted some support.

    I did not take Mum out unless I knew that I had the boys strapped in the buggy. If she went to the loo the boys and I went with her, she accompanied me while I did the changing. As they got older they did not go out when Mum was out as it was just too dangerous unless I had another adult or two which rarely happened.

    I think though that you have to talk to your Dad. My HV helped me by saying that my duty always had to be the safety of my children first, they were the future. This helped me to prioritise what I had to do. I have over the years been able to strike a balance, but it requires care and support from relatives and friends (which can be very hard to find).

    ((((hugs)))))

    Mamee
     
  6. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    As always thank you all for your support and understanding - what did people do prior to TP??!!:)

    I will try and talk to dad again and be firmer but it's that old devil called guilt isn't it? If I tried harder, if I was more organised....

    Guilt seems to be the one really big factor that we all share - it certainly gets discussed enough on all the different forums.

    I must admit over the last week I've been increasingly concerned over how mum has been treating the girls - I know she doesn't mean to but she's starting to be very rough when she handles them (which is now limited to her just holding the older girls hand because she wants to walk with grandma and I don't want to tell her she can't). If they fall or don't walk fast enough she drags them along and she's going to hurt their wrist or something.

    I even feel guilty saying that - like I blame her or something - I don't but I have to keep them safe you know?

    I was looking through old pictures of my sister and I with mum and dad pre dementia and it made me really realise what I was missing as dad seems lost to me now too.

    Before we had our children I thought they'd have been fantastic grandparents (and they would have been) but neither of them have any connection to my daughter and I feel bad for her.

    Ah, I'm just blathering now.

    To be honest I'm just having a low point right now and feeling a bit sorry for myself - shame on me!!:D I shall have to try harder!
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Please Kate, how much harder can you try? You are doing everything for everyone. Who is doing anything for you?

    If you are concerned about your mother`s lack of concern for your daughters, perhaps it should be noted that she has lost her sense of responsibility towards them. It isn`t her fault, but it isn`t yours either.

    You take care Kate, get rid of the guilt and try to take it a bit easier.

    Is it time to be thinking of getting some extra help and support, now?

    Love xx
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    Kate, you have nothing whatever to feel guilty about. You are a wonderful daughter, to be taking such care of your mum, especially with your children to care for.

    Your priority has to be your girls, no matter how hard that seems.

    I don't think you've lost your dad, or at least only temporarily. He is trying to keep things normal for as long as possible, while you can see that things are no longer normal.

    As I see it, you have three options here. You can either be firm with your dad and make him see that it is impossible for you to look after your mum and your girls, unless there is another carer to help. This will be hard to do, and may make your father resent you for a while, but in the long run it will provide the best solution for you all.

    Secondly, you could back off until your dad realises that he needs help. This would also cause resentment, would upset your mum, and would be very hard for you to do.

    Thirdly, you can continue as you are, getting more and more stressed, and risking the safety of mum and girls.

    I don't know which direction you'll go in, but whatever you decide, try not to feel guilty. You are doing a wonderful job.

    Love,
     
  9. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Kate

    (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

    I remember just feeling so sad that my Mum wasn't "there" for me and my sons. I had seen her with my neice and she was such a good nana but she wasn't there for me or my sons. Whilst she had been so good to my brother with a single child she narked me about everything and could not help..nor did she understand I was exhausted.

    I also realised that with twins I couldn't be there for her either..I did my best to do as much as I was able but I knew that I had to keep my sons safe. I knew that I had to rely upon others to help care for her. I wished I had been around earlier but I eventually asked myself would I do anything differently if I had this time over. When I realised that my answer was "no" I realised that I was taking the right course of action.

    I grieved for the loss of my Mum and the fact that my children would never know either my Mum or my Dad ( he had died a few years earlier). It was so hard and took time.

    I think that you have to level with your Dad. He is probably grieving in his own way and in denial about your Mum as he is too frightened to do otherwise. I well remember the terror in the early days as Mum became confused.

    ((hugs))

    Mameeskye
     
  10. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Thanks people.

    Well, dad has taken mum away for the week - cancelling her emergency brain scan appointment to do so, which I must admit has irritated me beyond belief - but that means I have some time to think about what to do.

    Why would you cancel an emergency brain scan for the sake of a week in their caravan that they could do anytime of the year? :mad:

    I think he's just desperately trying to run away from it all and I truly feel for him as it is devestating for him, but he's not helping mum by doing this.

    Mameeskye - thank you for my hugs - I'm finding virtual hugs are just as good as regular hugs actually. I too feel the same about mum with my daughter and even more so when I lost my other baby. I so needed her but part of mum's condition just now is that she seems to have no emotion at all - she's like a robot. You know there's no point in being angry with her because she can't help it but it doesn't stop the emotion - where does the anger go?

    Kate P
    XXX
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    I think you're right, Kate. It does seem that your dad just doesn't want to know. You're just going to have to go at his pace, however hard it is for you. One day it's going to hit him like a ton of bricks, and he's really going to need you then.

    It's so hard when you get no emotional response. John is a bit like that, apart from the odd flash of emotion, and I do miss the affection. You just have to keep on giving and giving, without getting anything in return.

    Hand on, Kate, and keep in touch. Hugs are available at any time.

    Love,
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Dear Kate,

    I`m so sorry your father has taken your mother away to [probably] escape the truth of a scan.

    As Hazel said, however frustrating it is for you, you will have to go at his pace. Poor man, I can only imagine how frightened he is of the truth.

    I have no idea Kate, unless it gets washed away by tears.

    Look after yourself.

    Love xx
     
  13. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Kate

    (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

    Wish I could give you the real ones but it will have to be the zen hugs..the hugs I would give you if I could but I can't.

    Words are never enough at this time. It is just so confusing as you try to pick up the various pieces and make sense of it. I remember questioning my relationship with my Mum. Had I misread things? I thought that maybe things we had done to hurt each other in the past had been the real tone of our reltaionship..all the negatives spilled out. It was so hard to recognise the truth of any situation and your Dad is probably scared stiff. There was so much anger, then come the tears, acceptance and then eventually the peace and resolution. You are further down the road to recognising it than your Dad.

    The ironic thing is that through being a mother I have come to understand my own Mum so much better and I can't tell her that now. Your Dad is probably trying to fight it, as the person he has loved has changed beyond belief and he will feel the ground shaking beneath his feet. He needs to come to terms with what is happening to enable him to seek help

    It has been so hard having children at this time and watching them gain as Mother loses the same faculties. Yesterday when I visited her she snuggled in to me for a hug, just as my sons would do, and something I have never known her do in her life. She recognised me, albeit as her son..but it was a nice close moment.

    Keep strong..yet allow yourself to grieve. It is hard..sometimes you just want to tell the world to go away. Sometimes it wll spill out. Be prepared to say sorry. For me taking the buggy and walking the boys for miiles helped me. You'll find something that helps you too.

    Love

    Mameeskye
     
  14. jackie1

    jackie1 Registered User

    Jun 6, 2007
    238
    Cheshire
    Hi Kate,
    We've been away so have not replied before. I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. I wish there was something positive I could say. I hope (although hope is such a strange word) that being with your mum 24/7 will make your dad realise that she does need more support and help than he envisages. I'm sure that once they're back the scan can be re-booked.

    Take care of you and yours
    (((HUGS)))
    Jackie
     
  15. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Thank you for all your kindness and hugs.

    Well, I've been speaking to dad every night while they've been away - mum sleeps a lot in the evening and she can't speak anymore - and he's finding it quite tough.

    Because she can't read or do crosswords anymore they can't just stay in and relax while the weathers bad so they've driven 400 miles so far just driving round the Lake District to keep mum occupied!:eek:

    Thank you Mameesyke for your frankness - I've also been through a spell in the beginning were I questioned our past relationship and all I could think about was the negatives - I think it's part of the grieving process - helps you distance yourself from them and so the hurt. It's nice (for want of another word) to know that other people have been through similar emotions.

    I've got past that, however, and I can now remember the good times and how many good times there were - I suppose that's acceptance really.

    I think that's why I get so frustrated with dad because I'm ready for action and he's not - he's still trying to convince us that everythings the same as always and mum loves us as much as she used to. That sounds quite harsh - but she doesn't and I don't blame her for that because she can't help it - part of mum's condition is that she's like a robot - she doesn't show any emotion at all.

    But then last night I had an epiphany when I was playing with my daughter - if this happens to me wouldn't I want my daughter to be shielded from the worst of it? Absoloutely.

    Unfortunately, it won't work with me cos I'm an action gal.

    Anyway, thank you all - it helps more than you know that I have the comfort of the TP-ers!:)
     

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