hi everyone. My dad was diagnosed only a few months ago, though we had our suspicions for quite a long time before that. when a family member finally persuaded him to go to the doctor, because of course there was the denial that he had anything wrong with him, it was also discovered that he has cancer, so he has those care needs too, as it is advanced and not curable. he is in a lovely care home with super staff, as none of our big family were in the postion to look after him at home. although he is still married to my mother, they spilt up many years ago due to him having an affair. he made a life with the other lady, though eventually he and mum were able to be freinds, and in the last three years since his partner died, he and my mum had come to an arrangement as freinds, and although mum resisted his wishes to move back in with her, they have spent time together, gone shopping, a few holidays, he helped with gardening and so on. he also ended up in hospital with some kind of blood clot on his brain which did not help, though he luckily recovered his faculties after an operation. He talks a bit about things in the last three years, and of course talks about thngs like his national service days and so on, and events from when he was in his thirties, bit all the years he was with the other lady he does not remember, and can't really remember the house he lived in the last three years, other than as an address now and then when reminded. he and mum never divorced, so of course he refers to her as his wife and says how much he loves her. he has had some bad days and got a bit angry now and then and wants to know how come mum can live in the family home, and he has to live in the care home, and why can't he go and live there. my policy is to just gently remind him that him and mum had not been living together for some years because they spilt up, and also that mum would be ill if she had to look after him if he got ill, and it calms him down, this only happens occasionally at the moment, most of the time he says how happy and lucky he is to be in a nice place. we have been sharing visiting him, and my mum has chosen to visit him a couple of times a week, though she did say if it was nearer to her she would go every other day(she does not drive, and it is 17 miles away fromher home), so she is feeling settled now because he is being looked after. one of my siblings has the power of attorney thing, and in the major decisions about where dad went to live, and treatment for his other conditions we agreed no problem, but more recently we have fallen out big time about how to treat dad and deal with certain issues. i believe in treating him gently and calmly, and the truth about things in ways he can handle it. i don't see the point of constantly reminding him of thnigs he has forgotten if it agitates him, it is only useful if it is necesary to put somthing in to perpsective, as in 'yes dad, you and mum are still married, yes dad you do both care about each other, dad, you did not go back to the family home because you were not living there when you were taken ill, you and mum split up years ago and you were living at ........ address and just visited mum most days.' Is it wrong of me to not remind him about the years he spent living with someone else when he does not remember it and it serves no purpose? this is something now causing an arguement, because the other day i got there and he wanted to buy a wedding ring. I was a bit taken aback because he never had a wedding ring in the past. then it turned out that he is getting agitated because people keep asking about if he is married (mainly other residents), and the other men in there wear wedding rings. having to think fast and to try and manage the situation the best i could, i did tell him that he never used to wear a wedding ring, and that wearing one won't stop some people asking him, because they will still ask. i also said I was not sure how mum would feel about it after all this time, and remember that they have been seperated for years. then i said, would it make you feel better if we get you a signet ring rather than a wedding band and you could wear it on your wedding finger if you like, and perhaps mum would be ok with that. So he was happy with that idea. I spoke to my mum and she was perfectly ok about it, and slightly amused, as she said he would never have worn a ring before, AND she understood why he was getting agitated and so on. out of courtesy i told the rest of the family what had happened and then got a huge text critising me, saying i was allowing him to live in a fantasy world, and that he should be making a new life not living in the past ( this from the same sibling who told me a few weeks ago that taking him to a service at his own place of worship was a bad idea because he should be cutting all ties with the past). things now getting very heated. So, is it wrong to do something that will help settle him and feel happier? We all know the truth of the past, and if he gets ideas about why can't he live with mum, he can be told why with enough information to keep him on track. We don't know how long he has left, and I did think that as a family we had agreed to make these months a happy time as possible. in one lucid moment the week we moved him from the hospital to the care home, he looked at me and said, I know I am dying, but i don't want it to be morbid, i just want ot enjoy thinsh that i can, like we are doing now - we were eating a nice pub lunch at the time after a stroll through a park - and that is what i though we were all on board with. Yet the text i got about dad and why it was fuelling a fantasy, was filled with all the negative things he has said and done. I know that myself and some of my other siblings and my mum have had visits where we have been laughing out loud with dad, and seeing him enjoy things as simple as coffee and cake at a cafe is a good experience. Did I make a wrong decision about the ring?