1. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    426
    london
    I am feeling this morning like walking away from my situation and just never seeing my mother again.
    Every visit is just torture as she starts off by a long long list of bizarre complaints which Im sure 90% are in her imagination . Then she ups her campaign about coming to live with me , and then she starts to cry and say she doesnt understand how I can treat her, my mother like this.
    I go home feeling like C*** and worry all evening, then get no sleep before gettin up for work, where quite often the home ring me bacause she is making a fuss about something and they want me to try and calm her down!
    Yesterday I brought her home for a visit hoping that might cheer her up so she could see her animals which I had to give a home to , but it made it even worse and she started to make even more plans about living with me , saying my house (which she previously hated) was so lovely etc etc.
    When she was leaving she made a drama fit for the west end stage and really upset my son.
    I honestly dont think I can carry on like this!! There are no family members except my children who are willing to visit or help, and I do know I have it easy with her in a home compared to those of you who care at home, but im really beginnin to think it would be better all round if I simply stop seeing her and maybe then she will accept she is in the home and she will settle there.
     
  2. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I think it might be a good idea if you considered taking a break from visiting your mum for a few days, a week maybe. I know at times I have taken gaps from visiting my mum when it has all got too much for me. I do feel guilty but sometimes the stress just gets too much and I need that break. The only reservation I have about this is the fact that you say:

    Does this involve you actually going into the home or do you speak to your mum on the phone? Because you're obviously not getting a break from her even when you're not with her! What would the home do if you were not available when you phoned? Presumably they would find some way of calming her down without your intervention?

    I don't know how often you visit your mum but I think either taking a gap or reducing the frequency of your visits for a while might help take the pressure off you.
     
  3. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Don't give up

    Hi Natashalou

    If it is just your voice on the other end of the phone that calms your mum,maybe a very good recording of yourself, that the staff could use, might work.
    But I agree with others White lies are only between you and your mum and it will help to keep her spirits up.
    My mum lives with us, she is 82 and I often find myself telling all sorts of FIBS, telling the truth would only get her upset, It is done with the best intentions.
    Hope you get something sorted soon, don't give up on your mum as I keep reminding myself, It's the nature of this terrible ILLNESS that robs families of their relationships with each other.
    Take care, bye for now.
    Janetruth x
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Natashalou.

    Your situation sounds unbearable. How on earth are you supposed to cope with a job with all this going on?

    I would agree with Brenda, I think you should take a break from visiting, and perhaps go away for a few days so that the NH can't call you. You could arrange to call them every day.

    It sounds to me as if your mother is still capable of using emotional blackmail. Is this the case? If so, it would do her no harm to realise that it has the opposite effect.

    Even if I'm wrong, a few days of having to rely on the NH staff rather than you might help her settle.

    I can understand how upset you are about all this. No-one likes to be accused of neglecting their mother, even if it's only themselves doing the accusing! But you can't go on like this.

    Love,
     
  5. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    Oh I know all about emotional blackmail, my mum wanting to live with me, this is all so familiar. My Mum still lives at home so I visit there and get her (and my Dad) over to me, but I have cut down the length and frequency of the visits. Felt a bit bad about it at first, but our sanity is at stake too isn't it? Hope this helps.
     
  6. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    What an awful situation to be in where you feel you have to harden your heart and not visit when hardening of the heart is the last thing you feel you really want to do.

    With the support of the TP members, I am sure that whatever decision you take will be made a little easier.
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,094
    Kent
    Hi Natasha, I agree with those who reccommend you take a break.

    I`d tell the home you are not going to visit for 2 weeks, to see if your mother will
    become more settled andto give you some respite.

    Ask them to respect that and understand you are doing it in you mother`s best interests and to preserve your sanity.

    Hopefully, by your next visit she will be pleased to see you and less demanding.[Is that possible?]
     
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi

    I can only share with you my own experience when mum moved to the NH. The nurses advised me not to visit for a couple of weeks to help mum settle. Without my visiting she looked to the other residents and staff for company, instead of watching the door for my arrival. It worked. I felt dreadful, that I had abandon her, but I phoned the home every day for updates on how she was doing.

    Mum had it all worked out she was coming to live with me right down to which bedroom she would have, and what furniture she was bringing, but I knew I couldn’t cope, it just wasn’t feasible, we ultimately moved from that house anyway. Now and again this issue comes up, but less often as times goes by.

    I wholeheartedly agree with the advice other TP friends have given you, to not visit for a while. Personally I would tell the NH you are going away for a couple of weeks, and you will be in touch on your return.

    You need to recharge your batteries. I’m sure with a break you will be able to cope much better, and with luck, mum will become less dependant on you for company.

    Best wishes
    Cate
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #9 Margarita, May 1, 2007
    Last edited: May 1, 2007
    That how my mother was towards me , while I was working & looking after 4 children on my own, . My mother then was like a frighten child crying out for help, that she could not see logic or reason the stress and purses that she going was going to put me under if she did move in with me as I felt like a pursuer cooker of pent up emotion of unresolved issue I had in my relationship with my mother before AZ . if only I could of got it around my head , that she would never undertand this . That she had lost it Not I


    I felt so sorry for the need , despair , my mother show me in wanting to live with me , so I gave in .

    It can make you harden your heart , even if you care for them at home , you just learn the realty of life in a hard way that only living with AZ can show you ( to deep to get in to )



    give yourself a break like every one says take a few weeks out and then I bet your mother may start again in wanting to go home . Not trying to be negative just realistic.

    It learning how to not take things personally that it affects you so much that it’s interfering with your work and family life and stopping you wanting to visit your mother and sorting things out for her.

    Of course it’s your choice at the end of the day. Your mother now has no choice lost all control over her life, so of course is clinging on to you. But you have not lost control unless you let it, don’t let the guilt set in.

    You always come across as a strong minded professional working woman that understand her weakness , so with the help of TP support your learn to balance ou those emotion out , stress can hold you back . caring for a family and working is so hard in itself and then trying to do the best for your mother also would make anyone lose all balance in they life , sure you undertand this anyway
     
  10. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    429
    east sussex
    talking sense

    Magarita

    I see you are up early like me.

    You always put over your feelings in so much depth and your posts are full of wise advice and i feel you reach out to people.

    Your one of TPS stars.

    Love Cynron x :cool:
     
  11. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,057
    Toronto, Canada
    Natashalou,
    I can only agree with the others, take a break from going to visit your mother, for at least a week. And tell the nursing home not to call after certain hours. They are being paid to take care of her and they should.

    I had the same problem when my mother was first in a home - they would call every time she got riled up, even when I was at work. I couldn't just drop everything & go every 5 minutes. I had to get tough with them

    Please, please take a break. As much as you need. I have done it several times in the past when my mother was so abusive I couldn't bear to be with her.

    It will get better. Hang on.

    Love
    Joanne
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #12 Margarita, May 1, 2007
    Last edited: May 1, 2007
    Yes :rolleyes: I thought I better get up. cynron Even thought I find it so hard getting up so early, before mum wake me up and call me :)
     

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