Visits back to mum's old home to see dad - Yes or No

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by MissDiane, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    Background is that i have POA for mum as she trusts me making decisions which i feel are best for mum

    Have a crazy sister who has never helped or been involved in mums care. She has recently been seriously ill (my sister)a couple of times and i think wants to try to make up for this a bit and also needs the emotional support for herself from mum.She has been overheard telling mum she wasnt there for HER when she needed her and upsetting her. Also that she will get mum out of the care home and back home. Lots of false promises she cannot deliver.Mum is unable to give her support as she does not have the capacity to do so.Mum is very confused by all of this and it is affecting her general well being.

    Sister wants to take mum out of care home to visit dad in their marital home.

    I think this is crazy because

    It will confuse mum, shw will think why can't she stay in her own home
    She will become settled and not want to leave
    It will upset mum and she may become angry and refuse to go back
    It will trigger lots of emotions and upset
    Mum would not have anyone to help he mobilise or go to toilet as dad and sister are not capable due to their own health problems

    I have said No to this request as i do not feel it is in mums best interests. But I am feeling guilty for stopping this. I have suggested they go somewhere more neutral but my sister is adamant she wants the right to take her back to her old home. she has not been home in over 2 years.

    Am i being unreasonable?
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    No, not in the least.

    get the nursing home staff on your side
  3. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    No you are not being unreasonable, stick to your decision, or if you feel you have to let this happen, then go with, if you agreed on another place other than the marital home, think you know that your sister will agree to this and then just take her to the house anyway.

    Odd isn't it, how some siblings think that emotional blackmail will work on a Dementia sufferer, if it does, it is only for a short time.
  4. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    Unreasonable absolutely not..

    Mum is as settled as she can be, it is unrealistic to take her 'home' now, even if she remembers there is obviously no way she can return home.

    You have have POA tell the CH you do not want her to go out, I had to stop my OH's daughter from visiting without a carer present, so yes you can stop this.

    Sorry am a bit stroppy when the main carer is pushed to one side!
  5. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015

    No, this doesn't sound like a good idea.

    No, you are not being unreasonable.

    Yes, you are correct to act in your mother's best interests. Setting aside the family dynamics, I agree the visit is likely to be stressful for your mother, and the main point here is that she wouldn't have the physical assistance and nursing support she needs.

    Yes, do talk to the staff/nurse manager/manager at the care home where your mother is. You can tell them you don't want unauthorised persons (your crazy sister) taking your mother out. I think they will be supportive and understanding, and of course they want what is best for your mother.

    Your crazy sister could visit your mother at the care home.

    You could pick up your mum and meet your crazy sister somewhere public for lunch or tea or coffee, but make sure YOU choose the location and set time limits, so your mum doesn't get overwhelmed/too tired.

    I'm sorry. I hope you can figure something out. I imagine this is stress you do NOT need. Best wishes.
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    Your mother is home. That's the point that somehow, you need to drive *home* to your sister. To your mother, "home" is her familiar, safe environment - where she is now. And that's what's important. Not your sister's misplaced sense of guilt. She can't go back to the past and make up for any shortcomings there. The only way we go is forward. Any making up she feels she needs to do needs to be done from where things are now - with visiting your mum in the care home, and your dad at home. Otherwise, she's not doing it for them, but for herself.
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I wonder whether she would even recognise her marital home? And if she doesnt, would this upset your sister even more? I could foresee a situation where your sister would be trying to convince your mum that it was her home, your mum getting confused and everyone getting upset.

    Mum has a friend who used to take on outings and also this friend has bought mums old home. She would often take Mum back to her home for a cup of teas and this was successful - but only because

    1 - Mum didnt recognise it as her home. Once, early on, when she had a lucid moment, she asked thoughtfully whether she had once lived there and we replied that she had, she thought about this and said sadly "I dont really remember", so I just replied "it doesnt matter - youve moved since then". After that she never said anything else.

    2 - there is no expectation that she should recognise it as home. It is presented to her as her friends home and that is that.

    3 - no one reminds her that it used to be her home.

    But this is a quite different scenario to your sisters motives.
  8. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    You are not being unreasonable. Your sister is feeling guilty but that doesn't make it ok to disrupt your mum's routine and cause possible upset to her. As you said, your sister isn't involved in caring for your mum and is not in a position to judge what is best for her.
  9. Oh Knickers

    Oh Knickers Registered User

    Nov 19, 2016
    Hi Miss Diane,

    Agree with all the far more experienced posters comments. Get the CH involved as to best interest for your Mum. And, bottom line, you have POA.

    This sounds odd. Do you think there may be a hidden agenda on the part of your sister? Have you checked with your Dad that he is OK about this? Have either of them spent time with your mum and realised how much looking after she needs?

    Sounds like a drama waiting to happen.

    Best of luck.
  10. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    Thank goodness no one else thinks it's a good idea!

    The care home have been very good, and agreed to restricting outings until this is settled as my sister was planning it all behind my back while me and my daughter were in hospital! She did a similar thing last year when we were away telling mum she was coming home, which obviously she wan't and it never happened leaving mum very distressed for some time.

    The home have however, expressed concern that if they are restricting my sister then how can they justify the private carer we employ who takes mum out for 1-2-1 outings.

    I explained that the carer is fully trained and insured, and we have done this for 3 years. And she is not planning on taking her to her home!

    My sister cannot be trusted that is the point. I have reluctantly agreed with the home to lift the restriction with my sister taking mum out and have to hope and pray she won't do what she wants to do. I also said i did not feel she would be safe with her.I did wonder about putting it in writing that if she does take her to her marital home then all future outings would have to be stopped. But the damage would have been done.

    They seem uncomfortable having to stop my sister with her being a family member. I explained that i am acting in mums best interests as mum wanted me to do, and if that means banning her then i will because she leaves me no choice. I have tried to reason with her and that hasn't worked. She thinks the best interests meeting will go in her favour.

    I would like to know where i stand legally with this as i though LPA holders for health and welfare could make these sort of decisions without having a best interests meeting.I am happy to go along with the meeting as i feel social services and the care home have a duty of care to protect mum from any upset/distress.

    My dad (who also has dementia) can see the pitfalls of bringing mum home and does not think its a good idea, but he does waiver on this when my sister puts pressure on him.
  11. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Do You have LPA x 2 or just the health and welfare one? The reason I ask is that the CH may need to know that you have the legal right to make these decisions and not "Just" on the Health Grounds.

    If you have the Legal LPA then you can ask the CH to refuse to let any one particular person temporarily to remove Mum.

    It may be that the CH will have to call a Best Interest Meeting with the Social Servuces to clarify the position.

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