Hi all. Im going over to sit with mum tomorrow afternoon to mind her while she’s on her own and dread it. I miss the person she used to be so much and dread spending time with the shell that she is now. She’s not aggressive and is very content but so quiet and can’t communicate now and I find it really difficult. I was always very close to her and we would chat for hours. So this quietness I find really difficult. Any tips on coping with this? I always find the time leading up to it I get very uptight and stressed. I know we should be grateful that she is placid but just find it really difficult.
Visiting mum
- Thread starter SarahJ5477
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Hello @SarahJ5477 you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.
Communication can become an issue but people with dementia can become expert in reading body language and being in touch with feelings. Does your mum have any old photographs that you could look at together as she would likely enjoy hearing you talk about the memories they stir in you. The same for anything in the house, like pictures etc. You may raise a smile and find that is enough for you.
Do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you
You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required, communication issues and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if these haven't been sorted already.
Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
Communication can become an issue but people with dementia can become expert in reading body language and being in touch with feelings. Does your mum have any old photographs that you could look at together as she would likely enjoy hearing you talk about the memories they stir in you. The same for anything in the house, like pictures etc. You may raise a smile and find that is enough for you.
Do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you
You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required, communication issues and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if these haven't been sorted already.
Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
Hello again @SarahJ5477, I should also have mentioned that the person is still there. With dementia, the symptoms can bury the person so deep that it's hard to see/contact them - but they are still there.
Some useful work has been done with the use of music as it can enliven the brain and sometimes enable speech for a while. It may be worth playing some music your mum likes to see if that helps.
Take a look at this video - it's amazing.
Some useful work has been done with the use of music as it can enliven the brain and sometimes enable speech for a while. It may be worth playing some music your mum likes to see if that helps.
Take a look at this video - it's amazing.
Thanks a million, I’ll chevk that info out. I tried old Photos but they don’t really seem to interest her. Music helps to drown out the silence but again very little response or interaction.
Sometimes it's a matter of trying until we discover what works.
My wife was a champion ballerina in her youth so if I mention ballet she is up on her feet showing me steps and explaining them before I have time to catch my breath.
Is there anything in your mum's past that may trigger happy memories and animate her. Be careful though - it's possible to trigger painful memories that may produce an unwanted reaction.
I used to read to mum sometimes. I would read from books that she knew from her childhood like Alice in Wonderland, or the Pooh stories.
I also had a book of poems of the sort mum would have learned at school and sometimes when I read them she would join in with them.
Sometimes I would ask her questions like "how did you do the washing when you were a girl?" and get her to talk about it, or remind her about family stories.
Another thing that she liked was for me to give her a manicure, which gave me something to talk about.
Its not always easy when the conversation is one-sided, but at karaoke pete says - try different things to see what works. You might also take in a treat like a nice cake and if you run out of things to say show her the cake and offer to make a cup of tea.
I also had a book of poems of the sort mum would have learned at school and sometimes when I read them she would join in with them.
Sometimes I would ask her questions like "how did you do the washing when you were a girl?" and get her to talk about it, or remind her about family stories.
Another thing that she liked was for me to give her a manicure, which gave me something to talk about.
Its not always easy when the conversation is one-sided, but at karaoke pete says - try different things to see what works. You might also take in a treat like a nice cake and if you run out of things to say show her the cake and offer to make a cup of tea.
hi @SarahJ5477
a warm welcome from me too
I appreciate what you mean about the quiet, and it being such a comparison with days gone by
playing music is certainly helpful, maybe finding some clips on YouTube or a DVD to watch and listen to, so your mum can see the orchestra/band playing
I used to find quiet programmes on the TV (no news or tricky dramas) so dad and I could watch and I'd make the odd comment on what we were seeing so he could respond … something like 'it's amazing how those dolphins move so gracefully, isn't it?' - or a favourite comedy to have a chuckle to
might your mum enjoy a manicure or pedicure or massage (just gently rubbing in some scented cream)
dad used to sit with me while I made a meal and I'd keep up a commentary on what I was doing, showing him
try reading her snippets from a magazine you 'read' together, or her favourite books
if your mum is content, might you chatter for a while giving her your news or remembering good times you shared then sit while she listens to music and you go on your tablet/laptop
I did get used to the quiet and often we'd just sit amicably together as dad seemed to just enjoy knowing I was there
a warm welcome from me too
I appreciate what you mean about the quiet, and it being such a comparison with days gone by
playing music is certainly helpful, maybe finding some clips on YouTube or a DVD to watch and listen to, so your mum can see the orchestra/band playing
I used to find quiet programmes on the TV (no news or tricky dramas) so dad and I could watch and I'd make the odd comment on what we were seeing so he could respond … something like 'it's amazing how those dolphins move so gracefully, isn't it?' - or a favourite comedy to have a chuckle to
might your mum enjoy a manicure or pedicure or massage (just gently rubbing in some scented cream)
dad used to sit with me while I made a meal and I'd keep up a commentary on what I was doing, showing him
try reading her snippets from a magazine you 'read' together, or her favourite books
if your mum is content, might you chatter for a while giving her your news or remembering good times you shared then sit while she listens to music and you go on your tablet/laptop
I did get used to the quiet and often we'd just sit amicably together as dad seemed to just enjoy knowing I was there
I spent many hours in silence with dad in the later stages. Sometimes it bothered me and I certainly missed the conversations we used to have.
The 'Back in Time for dinner' type programmes used to give him something to talk about.
Lots of old memories came back then.
I agree it's very difficult to visit someone with dementia especially if, like me, you're not a natural chatterbox!
The 'Back in Time for dinner' type programmes used to give him something to talk about.
Lots of old memories came back then.
I agree it's very difficult to visit someone with dementia especially if, like me, you're not a natural chatterbox!
All thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Plenty of good tips in there! So glad I joined up today. Mum has declined a lot over the last month which I’ve been finding difficult to deal with. Great to find plenty of like minded souls! Thanks again.
I have made playlists for Dad on my iPhone which he really seems to enjoy - classical and music from the 50s and hymns.
I also think it important to just be together and hold their hand - looking at nature magazines also provides an easy topic of conversation
