1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Hi All,
    Sorry, but I am feeling very low at the moment, this morning my mum was very nasty before she even had breakfast. Hubby went to the toilet and came back saying mum was swearing and cursing in her bedroom, by the time I got there she was calling us all the names she could think off, very bad .. I don't know what started her off and I guess I never will
    .
    I yelled at her and I know I did the wrong thing and said some things I should not have said, she told me I just want to get rid of her, I said I don't want her here if she is going to be angry like that. I get so frustrated ,hubby tried to calm me down,the thing is ,she says she is not saying the things she says.
    If she knows , why is she trying to hurt us,or me?

    Hubby left for work, and things settled down but I still feel very sad and finding it harder and harder to forget the bad times I wish I could... I am trying to think of the good times but they seems few and far between.

    Thanks for letting me pour out my heart,
    Paris07.
     
  2. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Paris,

    I hope you will understand that I am saying this with your best interests at heart. . . .

    I hugely admire people like yourself who provide care for your loved one at home and I do realise you may not want to consider this, but I feel I must say it.

    Rereading your threads has reminded me that your Mum has now been with you for over two years. She is declining in all ways it seems , with the falls, the aggression, etc.

    You are about to have (in January) your knees replaced, which must mean movement is painful for you at present, to say the least.

    Your Mum is going to have respite in a few days (Oct. 10th??) and hopefully you and your hubby can have a truly relaxing time while she is away.

    My point is this: is it time to star considering long term care in a care home? If your Mum's respite home is suitable, perhaps you could think about asking when they have a vacancy, if your Mum could be considered. . . . ??

    I do hope I am not sounding very negative, but it does sound as if the time is approaching when it will be just too hard to keep caring for her at home. I'm sure she won't like the idea (and neither will you) but it may be that you have to think of yourself now.

    Care homes are not perfect but often they are a better solution than what we fear. Please forgive me if I have upset you by suggesting this - I am just concerned about you and your welfare, as well as your Mum's.

    Every best wish.
     
  3. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,518
    Poor you. I know how you feel, last year when my dad started off on one of his paranoid rants about the neighbours with wild tales about all the things "they" had done, I felt a dam burst inside and it all poured out, all the things I had been holding back, I just screamed at him that he was going mad etc... It felt good at the time, cathartic, but of course I felt bad afterwords.

    I believe the standard advice is these situations is to stay calm, tell the person that if they are going to keep on swearing etc that you will walk out, and if that does not work then actually walk out of the room whilst they calm down.

    Of course in practise we would not be human if we could do that all the time.

    You mum is probably hurt that anyone is accusing her of doing these awful things, of course, to her the accusations are false.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,718
    Kent
    Dear Paris,

    The only way to handle this verbal abuse is to walk away, out of the room, out of the house, if possible.

    Nebiroth is probably correct in saying your mother will not realize she`s saying these things, but being on the receiving end makes it hard to believe it.

    Nell does have a point, with regard to your own health and how much you can take. I too would use the forthcoming respite, while you have your surgery, as an introduction to care homes for your mother, with a view to full time care.

    OK, she can`t help it, OK it`s the illness, but you can only be expected to take so much and then you have to think of calling it a day.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Paris, I have to agree with Nell. You sound absolutely at the end of your tether, and with your own health problems to cope with, there is only so much you can do.

    Yes, we all know that it's the disease making your mum say such horrid things, but that doesn't make it easier to take. You know you're doing your best for her, and you know that before her illness she would never have been like that with you.

    You love her, and want to care for her, but the time eventually comes for most of us when professional help is needed.

    Please think about it. After your operation, you're not going to be able to do much for a while. It would be so much easier to work on your recovery if you didn't have this added stress.

    I can't tell you what to do, you know what's best, but please think about it.

    Love,

    Love,
     
  6. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hello Paris

    The advise you have been given is very good advise.
    It is a very sad place to be, when your own Mum, who you are looking after seems to be ungrateful, hurtful, arguementative, spiteful and lots of other words that would describe the person AZ sufferers can become.

    My Mum was on Reminyl (low dose) for 6 months ( Mum has been living with us for a little over a year) , she had no physical side affects but her personality changed and she became frustrated, uncooperative and hurtful, all aimed at me.
    The dose was increased and after 2 months her moods were more exagerated, so on the 1st of August I stopped giving her the Reminyl ( weaned her off them) and now my lovely Mum is back. Yes, I know that her AZ will progress and she may become aggressive later on. But the last 6 weeks have been calm and loving, she eats well, we laugh, listen to music ( her era) and we take her out for lunch every Sunday, she knows we love her and when we say a childhood prayer together when i take her to bed, she thanks me for everything, and I know she means it, thats what keeps me going.
    I hope thing improve for you all.
    Take care
    Janetruth x
     
  7. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Thank you everyone for your thoughts, hubby is home from work, which is a big support for me. we have had dinner and mum has gone to bed, the time I wait for(I know that sounds awful)
    I do understand, at times I tell myself that mum would be better off in full time care, I feel sometimes she is to hard for me to handle.
    We are really looking forward to our respite I feel we will enjoy this one just staying home on our own for a week.
    regards
    Paris07.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,718
    Kent
    What a lovely post, Janet and so indicative of the side effects of drugs.

    Quality or quantity? I know everyone is different but after reading a post like yours, I know which I`d choose if I could. How brave of you to make the decision.

    I hope you have many more happy and peaceful hours with your mother.

    Love xx
     
  9. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Sylvia

    Thank you for your response and I would, as you say prefer quality, every time.
    I am also lucky in that mum was given the medication, I will now let nature and fate take it's course.

    Take care Sylvia and well done with the slimming club, you and all members are doing really well, all you needed was a bit of encouragement from each other.
    It just goes to show ' The pen is mightier than the sword'

    Janetruth x
     
  10. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Paris07.As hurtful as it is,it is not a true indication of your mum.You and your hubby will,with the best will in the world,cope..There are no "advantages" to this disease,we percieve it as it is within our own world."Patience" will come after a time,and in the time being "horror",may be what you feel.Don't despair too much,life has a funny way of making us feel inadequate.By no means are you inadequate,you are feeling the pain we all feel at some time or another.keep posting love elainex
     
  11. Laylabud

    Laylabud Registered User

    Sep 7, 2007
    111
    Kent
    Dear Paris07


    My Mum was living me with until recently, and i know exactly how you feel. It sounds like you and your Mum have always been close and for her to be aggressive and hurtful is really upsetting. I said also to my Mum that i could not cope with her living me and you say these things to try and reason with her. I looked forward to my Mum going to Bed at 9pm at night as that was my time to try and chill out with my husband and have some private time together, although normally that time was spent talking about Mum and the things that she had said or done during the day.
    One day back in June, she just totally flipped on me and i knew then that i could no longer cope with her, it was having an effect on me with lack of sleep, it was also having a huge impact on my marriage as well.
    She was already under a consultant but at that stage we did not know her condition, she went into an assessment unit and she is still there but is waiting to go to an EMI nursing home. I regret all the horrible things that i said to her and that will live with me for the rest of my life, but we are not super human you have a life to lead as well. My husband was really supportive but if i had let things carry on then it might have cost me my marriage eventually. I know my Mum would not want that to have happened as she always wanted to see me happy and if she knew what she was saying or doing she would be horrified.
    I know it is not an easy thing to have to make the decision to put her into a home, but if you let this carry on, the more stressed out you will become and more tired and you could end up making a wrong decisions for her as you will make your self ill and what good will you be for her then.
    I am sorry to be so blunt but these things were said to me and at first i did not want to listen but eventually when your own health starts to suffer and it will, you have to conceed and think was is best for Mum.
     

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