Update on my Mum


Registered User
Nov 17, 2004
It is some time now since I wrote my first post here (November 2004) and when I directed my brother to your site he said that reading what I had written in black & white brought tears to his eyes. Thank you to everyone who replied to me then.

Reading other peoples' experiences since I last wrote, there is still so much that I can identify with but I would be writing an essay if I added my own experiences of the same things.

For us, things came to a head on New Year's Day, other wise we were jogging along pretty much as before - fairly certain that Mum wasn't looking after herself at all and trying to explain that there was no way my stepfather could return home until she did or let someone else help her to do so. Social Services had organised for someone to come in once a week to check if she needed any shoping - of course she said No, she could do it herself, only for me or my brother to visit the next day and frind the cupboards bare.

On Jan 1st, however, she phoned me early in the morning to say she had hurt her arm badly. As I live about one hour away I rang an ambulance who rang me when they got there to say to meet them at the hospital. She had broken her arm - it hadn't just happened, it was a few days previously and on top of an old break we were unaware of. She was told their was no way she could live alone with a broken arm. She refused to come home with me so we were able to arrange for her to go to stay in the same home as my Stepdad on a temporary basis.

Only, now that she has been able to be observed on a daily basis by the people at the home (who have been wonderful!) we really do know that she has been - not eating, not changing her clothes, not washing herself - all those things she denied but we suspected she wasn't remembering to do or remembering she hadn't done. She is much healthier and cleaner than she has been for ages.

We had a meeting today with the care home, the Social Worker, my brother, my stepbrother and me, and the upshot is that she really isn't able to go home and really isn't able to look after herself or my stepdad.

She sort of knows this really and it is making her depressed on some level even though she forgets so quickly and is fine again with the here and now. The lady at the home has recommended a softly softly approach as her arm is still in plaster anyway (she has already had the plaster cast off once - "What's this thing doing on my arm?!") and to take things a step at a time but just thinking about all the things we will have to do such as EPA (leaving that to the brothers!) and at some stage selling the house, let alone sorting out all of the contents, is horrendous.

This all happened today which is why I was browsing and am writing this now. I feel very sad and, because they have savings and pensions and what not, as well as the house, they have to pay for this themselves and at around £800 a week it is a ot of money which will soon eat everything up. It is all just so sad. I know that she blames us too for doing this to her but there is no realistic alternative and we have tried to find one.

I don't really need advice as such, I just wanted to let off a bit of steam. Thanks and Good Luck to all those of you coping with similiar situations. I know it can be an absolute nightmare at times.


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Linda, although it is a sad time for you all, at least they are together and you know they are both safe. If you do need some help, have a look at our fact sheets which deal with the problems you will now have to sort. Best Wishes, love She. XX


Registered User
Dec 11, 2003
Tully, Qld, Australia
Dear Linda,

One of the worst things I had to do when moving my parents was to sell our family home of 40 years. All those happy memories.... Also trying to explain over and over again to my parents as to why they couldn't live alone any longer was really emotionally draining. It was the only available course of action, but I felt really bad about it all the same.

Just take it all step by step. That way you will get through it all slowly but surely.

I'm so glad that your mum and stepfather are together.