Trying to stay on top of it all

[elvismad]

This weekend was beautiful weather wise here. On Saturday I took mum for a walk (wheelchair) along the canal , down through a street market and then had snacks in a local park. Mum wanted to go home around 2pm. Mum was much more alert and seemed to be enjoying the day. It was as similar story on Sunday when we went over to the Olympic park and along the river bank there, stopping off for snacks and coffee. I have found people to be very accommodating, from the emergency trip to the loo - facilitated by the local lido- and the café that happily turned down the volume on the music when asked. Mum is very clingy when home, and told me yesterday that nobody wants her because nobody ever visits. As soon as we are home mum wants to be out. I tried tiring her out walking her round the garden and then round the block but it seems as she gets more tired she gets more tearful. I wish she could hold to the memory of the day. Its so cruel that all she seems to feel is lost. I have been told by one of the carers that she keeps asking where her mum is. Several times yesterday mum called me mum and I just held her hand and smiled and told her I loved her.

 

[Grannie G]

I can feel how hard it is for you @elvismad . The title of this Thread says it all.

You are doing your absolute best with what you have been given to face and I hope you are not forgetting your own health in the equation.

 

[elvismad]

oh @Grannie G - I am just so tired and over the last few days have felt so sad and really didn't understand why. Then last night I realised that, following my Aunts passing last month, there is no one left who knew my mum in her youth and growing up, getting married, having children. Mum is gradually fading away and there is none to make her the 'whole person' again. I feel bereft.

 

[LynneMcV]

I feel for you @elvismad - you are doing all that you can to keep your mum happy and occupied - and yes, it is so sad when the memory of such lovely outings quickly disappears for our loved ones. We can only take heart that in that actual moment in time they did experience happiness and enjoyment.

I have been told by one of the carers that she keeps asking where her mum is. Several times yesterday mum called me mum and I just held her hand and smiled and told her I loved her.

I am so sorry your mother is feeling so lost. You couldn't have done more. With that simple gesture you immediately answered her need to be comforted and loved.

I wish I could offer suggestions that might help more, but you are already doing so well.

I hope the lovely weather and outing did bring you some sort of upliftment too, despite the underlying sadness you feel for your mum.

 

[canary]

following my Aunts passing last month, there is no one left who knew my mum in her youth and growing up, getting married, having children. Mum is gradually fading away and there is none to make her the 'whole person' again.

I understand. Mum was the youngest of all her siblings and also the one who lived the longest, so by the time she developed dementia she was the last one left. She had also been a widow for 30 years and there was no-one there who knew her as a child or young adult. We looked at photos, but I never knew many of the people except their name and it wasnt the same. Im now the oldest in my family and it feels a heavy burden somehow.

 

[elvismad]

Thank you @LynneMcV and @canary for you kind words and understanding. The trips out are as much for me as for mum as I feel like I am still giving her some joy (however, brief). I am the same with the photos - oh and why were photos so small back then?

 

[canary]

Mum used to like her trips out too. It was somehow always a bittersweet occasion because I knew she would not remember, but it made her so happy in the moment. They are now some of my clearest memories of her in her care home.

 

[elvismad]

So we are back from a lovely week in Lanzarote and mum was well cared for while we were away by the assisted living team, paid carers to give company and my brother visiting over the weekend. The holiday was just what we needed.
In the interim Social Services Brokerage identified 2 care homes. My brother and I have both seen one, on different days ,unannounced and we're welcomed and shown around. It is purpose built, large ensuite rooms, long corridors spread over 4 floor with lounges on 2 floors.no uniforms. Large outside space.
The other is 2 houses knocked together. The decor is dated and the rooms small. Only a few are single ensuite and the ensuite is toilet and handbasin only. Toilet room is tiny. We had to arrange to visit -hubble and me. We received a cheery welcome and we're shown around. We stayed 1 1/2 hours. The residents were all in the main loinge. Kitchen and laundry staff on the same floor so plenty of people about. Room enough for mum to pace but still be around people. Again no uniforms
My brother is arranging to visit this week also.
How do you choose? Both advise they have plenty of activities
The modern one appeals but seems more clinical and the long corridors worry me as mum may perceive she is on her own.
The dated one may remind mum of her childhood as an evacuee living in a shared house- somewhere see always refers to fondly. The small toilet room may be an issue as she may refuse to go in such a small space.

 

[elvismad]

So...my brother visited the 'dated' home and his opinion was the same as mine. Both homes seemed able to cope with mums needs and and also provide company and stimulation. We are leaning towards the 'dated' one because it is likely to remind mum of a childhood home, but are asking Social Services for a couple more homes to view to get a more rounded opinion. This is such a journey.
This weekend it rained practically all day Sunday so mum and I started to colour in a world map that is actually a table cloth. It held mums interest for a short while. Then we did a 63 piece jigsaw together of Monet's garden. Mum is now at the stage where we place the pieces together and she pushes then into place. Mum was delighted to see the finished result and happy in the moment.

 

[Grannie G]

The `dated` home sounds more homely if you can overcome the small toilet issue.

My husband was in a very dated home which did feel more like a shabby home then a hospital or hotel and was very comfortable there.
Residents sat around a fireplace with a television in the corner just as it was at home.

 

[elvismad]

Thank you @Grannie G - we do feel this would be the case with mum also. I is so helpful to read of the experiences of others. Hopefully we will be able to move mum into her new 'forever' home sooner rather than later. Sadly the tenants at the AL are complaining about her wandering into their flats....The AL staff are amazing and doing all they can to placate everyone. The carers are very protective of mum - she is tiny - just 4ft 8 1/2inches

 

[elvismad]

That opticians, you know the one we all 'should have gone to' did a home visit for mum yesterday at her AL. I was at work but a carer stayed with mum. They assured me before the visit that they were very experienced dealing with PWD and indeed they were. They obtained mums old prescription from another optician. They checked mums medical history with me over the phone and pointed mum in the direction of robust frames when she chose 2 new pairs. I was able to pay over the phone and they will contact me when the glasses are bein brought to mum for fitting. All in all a big thumbs upand definately preferable to taking mum to the opticians with all the bright lights and noise. Mum has a hairdressers appointment on Saturday. That together with a dental check up and foot clinic visit last week means mum has been preened top to toe

 

[elvismad]

following lengthy discussions and weighing up the pros and cons of the 2 care homes (without nursing) proposed by Social services, my brother and I have mentally rejected both.
The purpose built one over 4 floors has very long corridors and is very clinical. Mum could easily become isolated - it is very reminiscent of her current Assisted Living with Care - and the long corridors seem to exacerbate her sense of loneliness. Mum would need to be on the ground floor close to the lounge to someway meet her need for constant company.
The dated one would be lovely but we cannot get past the lack of en-suite. For 16 residents there are only 3 bathrooms. Mum loves her daily shower. None of the en-suite rooms ( there are 3) have bath/shower, just a toilet & very small hand basin. The en-suite is cupboard like in size and we very much doubt that mum would enter such a confined space. The size makes it virtually impossible for her to have the assistance when toileting that she requires. This home also has a number of shared rooms (simply not practical as mum is a poor sleeper and constant wanderer) and rooms with no en-suite (this would not work for mum with her toileting issues).
My brother is contacting social services again to update them and see where we go from here.
We fully appreciate we may ultimately need to modify our preferences but are hoping the 'right' care home is out there.

 

[Lindy50]

Well done @elvismad
Choosing a home can be very difficult, and I agree, neither of those sounds right, at least while your Mum enjoys a shower - and you certainly wouldn’t want her to lose that.
All the best in finding somewhere more suitable
Lindy xx

 

[elvismad]

Well done @elvismad
Choosing a home can be very difficult, and I agree, neither of those sounds right, at least while your Mum enjoys a shower - and you certainly wouldn’t want her to lose that.
All the best in finding somewhere more suitable
Lindy xx

Thanks @Lindy50 we are not asking for the moon, just somewhere we 'feel' we suit mum

 

[canary]

The CH mum was in sounded very much like your dated care home and hers also had only a small en-suite with no shower. This did not seem to matter as she was OK with showering in the shower room. This room was a very big wet room and could accommodate 2 carers or a wheelchair and mum needed this as time went on. Having a shower in her en-suite would not have been a bit practical.

Is it possible to try her at the dated CH, perhaps as respite with a view to becoming permanent? That way you will know if the toilet issue is a problem. In all other respects that home sounds ideal. No-where is completely perfect.

 

[elvismad]

We are not self finding so I think the move, when it is agreed, is a permanent one. There are no available rooms at present but I understand what you are saying. My other concern is that she would need a single room

 

[elvismad]

mum got her new glasses yesterday from the optician we all 'should have gone to' and to my delight they had etched her name on the arm. what a fab idea. OK it won't stop mum hiding them but it will mean they are easily identifiable when found in any random place. Shame a tracker cant be fitted to glasses, teeth and hearing aids

 

[elvismad]

I thought I would update on the search for a suitable care home for mum. We have not received any more details regarding approved care homes from SS brokerage team. My brother is chasing constantly. He is also searching in the Bournemouth area and has independently identified several places that he has/will visit. Ridiculously, I found myself deeply upset that one of the homes he visited advised they would not be able to take mum (having read a copy of the most recent care plan) citing her day & night wandering/going into others rooms/toileting issues. They confirmed that she would be best served by a specialist Dementia Unit (EMI) - something stated in the care plan. I felt as though they had rejected my mum and that hurt. Of course, I fully appreciate their honesty and my brother has relayed this back to SS and is looking at a more specialised home today.
I visited mum last night to find her deeply asleep at 4.45 pm. I tried to wake her as the Assisted living were about to throw a birthday party for another tenant on the ground floor. Something mum would have loved even just a year ago. Mum mumbled 'not now' and carried on snoring. I read her notes and she was very sleepy all day and was fed her lunch by one of the carers. This may be down to the change of timing of her Risperidone from evening to afternoon as agreed by the GP this week as mums night wandering had not improved.
I will need to speak to the manager today as there was no one to ask last night.
I stayed for an hour and half (all the carers were on the party floor) and I didn't want to leave until they were back as mum would have been frightened had she woken up and wandered but couldn't find anyone. This place is so not meeting her needs. I feel so useless. I just sat holding her hand and watching her breathe.

 

[Grannie G]

Try not to be too upset by the thought of a more secure placement for your mum @elvismad. You want her safe after all.

My mother had to be placed in an EMI unit too because of her wandering. She spent the first few months wandering up an down the corridors of the home holding hands with another wandering resident she found something in common with. They never exchanged a word to my knowledge, just walked the corridors.

Previously my mother had `escaped` every unit she'd been in.