Trying to move forward.

[Coulddobetter]

Lost my exemplary, wonderful Mum six months ago now and still coming to terms with losing her for good

I gave up my career in education four years ago and moved 200 miles to be closer to Mum as I had suspected for some time that she had dementia, although what I knew about it then I could have written on the back of an envelope. And yes, I have four siblings who were all local to Mum, (two of them still living with her at the family home plus two grown up grandchildren) but I shall park that there - you have to know them to be able to understand my misgivings in that regard. Made an appt as soon as I returned for Mum to attend the 'Memory Clinic' (and what a euphemism that is) and within 6 weeks of my return we had the diagnosis.

I won't go into detail about the last four years of Mum's decline - but it has been a chastening and harrowing experience that cannot be dignified by the appellation 'the journey', and I know that I have been grieving for her for all of that time, and the grieving process continues. This has been an ordeal far, far worse than losing my Dad to cancer in 1983.

Now in my late 50s I have been trying, particularly since Mum's needs necessitated a permanent move to a nursing home in late 2016, to secure work that will provide a decent level of remuneration, some fulfilment and stability, and a sense of 'belonging'. In short this has proved elusive, aside from some maternity cover work. I have lowered my expectations considerably, and for the past year have had a zero hours contract in the hospitality industry - no control over my hours at all, and at the minimum wage. I have far too much time on my hands. I keep applying for other jobs, but fail to get shortlisted, and my prospects seem bleak. Anyone else out there trying to rebuild their lives after caring ? Confidence draining away, not in control of my life or future, and no purpose now that Mum has gone.

 

[la lucia]

Lost my exemplary, wonderful Mum six months ago now and still coming to terms with losing her for good

I gave up my career in education four years ago and moved 200 miles to be closer to Mum as I had suspected for some time that she had dementia, although what I knew about it then I could have written on the back of an envelope. And yes, I have four siblings who were all local to Mum, (two of them still living with her at the family home plus two grown up grandchildren) but I shall park that there - you have to know them to be able to understand my misgivings in that regard. Made an appt as soon as I returned for Mum to attend the 'Memory Clinic' (and what a euphemism that is) and within 6 weeks of my return we had the diagnosis.

I won't go into detail about the last four years of Mum's decline - but it has been a chastening and harrowing experience that cannot be dignified by the appellation 'the journey', and I know that I have been grieving for her for all of that time, and the grieving process continues. This has been an ordeal far, far worse than losing my Dad to cancer in 1983.

Now in my late 50s I have been trying, particularly since Mum's needs necessitated a permanent move to a nursing home in late 2016, to secure work that will provide a decent level of remuneration, some fulfilment and stability, and a sense of 'belonging'. In short this has proved elusive, aside from some maternity cover work. I have lowered my expectations considerably, and for the past year have had a zero hours contract in the hospitality industry - no control over my hours at all, and at the minimum wage. I have far too much time on my hands. I keep applying for other jobs, but fail to get shortlisted, and my prospects seem bleak. Anyone else out there trying to rebuild their lives after caring ? Confidence draining away, not in control of my life or future, and no purpose now that Mum has gone.

My heart goes out to you and I think it's probably a common situation that the government's ignorance of carers compounds. I've certainly seen my career take a hammering and I don't have a private pension to look forward to either. So I will have to work until I literally drop.

The world of work is utterly ageist... And once you take time out you've had it in most cases.

When you say you gave up a career in education is there anyway that you can build on it to either go freelance or do some form of consultancy? I was already working freelance when I began to look after my mother and stupidly thought I could keep it running.... . ha, ha, ha....

If you start off freelance I believe that the dreaded Universal Credit will give you a year before they automatically decide that you are at least on the minimum wage. That could buy you a bit of time to build an income.

However, UC looks like extraordinary, bullying hassle not designed for the realities of the self-employed and they expect financial reporting monthly. I often don't get paid for weeks and sometimes months so it wouldn't work for me. And anyway I'd probably tell them to sling their hooks if they started any nonsense. So I wouldn't last long...

But I love my work and I stay on top of technical and political developments, and so on. And I try and keep my name in the game to a small degree. But that's about it. Is there anything like that that you could do to keep your foot in your career door?

I did manage work in the first year of caring including being able to work very short, sharp spells abroad but then on top of the dementia my mother had a major stroke and since then it's a real struggle to keep it all running on top of being a carer. I certainly can't go anywhere any more and caring takes up most of my time.

But I'm deeply aware that when my mother dies I'm going to have to hit the ground running and it's pretty scary.

 

[LynneMcV]

Hi @Coulddobetter

I am in a similar situation. I lost my husband just over four months ago. During my years of care-giving I had to give up most of my work (but clung on to one day per week thanks to a very flexible and understanding employer). I still have nearly nine years to go before retirement age.

Since my husband passed away I have been able to pick up a few extra hours at work here and there through the same employer – but the next round of budget cuts is about to get underway with multi-millions of £s to be saved and I wouldn’t be surprised if my one day per week (job-share) gets swallowed up as part of those savings.

If/when that happens, my CV will get quite old and stale fairly quickly. I am currently thinking that I might sign up to volunteering activities in roles which might be appropriate for future work opportunities. Unpaid, yes – but at least it will be better than sitting at home, provide current experience to keep my CV fresh, keep my confidence going - and produce possible future referees for paid job opportunities as they crop up.

I am also considering looking at the local adult education colleges to see if there are affordable courses to learn new skills or re-train for a different career. It is all very up in the air at the moment and I probably won’t do anything unless it becomes absolutely clear that my one day per week and extra hours to cover staff shortages are definitely going out of the window – but hopefully, it would be a possible pathway to future work.

 

[Lindy50]

Hi @Coulddobetter
I'm in a similar situation, albeit a little older than other posters so far (68). I managed to keep up my interesting and demanding full time job with a local authority until I was 61, then worked freelance for three years before mum's care needs made any work impossible. I gave up part time work at 64. Within a year mum's condition had deteriorated so much that there was no alternative to a care home placement.
So, fast forward four years, and mum is now 97 and in a nursing home, while I am 68 and unemployed. Some people might say I'm 'retired', but that's not how it feels at all. I don't feel I chose to stop working. Admittedly I was hit by serious health problems of my own as soon as mum went into the home.....but now that I could perhaps do something, I find I've lost my confidence, contacts, experience and knowledge......not a good combination.
As @LynneMcV suggests, I think that voluntary work and/or retraining would be good options. If either route is relevant, I'd say start as soon as you can, before like me you lose confidence even for that.
All the best
Lindy xx

 

[kindred]

Lost my exemplary, wonderful Mum six months ago now and still coming to terms with losing her for good

I gave up my career in education four years ago and moved 200 miles to be closer to Mum as I had suspected for some time that she had dementia, although what I knew about it then I could have written on the back of an envelope. And yes, I have four siblings who were all local to Mum, (two of them still living with her at the family home plus two grown up grandchildren) but I shall park that there - you have to know them to be able to understand my misgivings in that regard. Made an appt as soon as I returned for Mum to attend the 'Memory Clinic' (and what a euphemism that is) and within 6 weeks of my return we had the diagnosis.

I won't go into detail about the last four years of Mum's decline - but it has been a chastening and harrowing experience that cannot be dignified by the appellation 'the journey', and I know that I have been grieving for her for all of that time, and the grieving process continues. This has been an ordeal far, far worse than losing my Dad to cancer in 1983.

Now in my late 50s I have been trying, particularly since Mum's needs necessitated a permanent move to a nursing home in late 2016, to secure work that will provide a decent level of remuneration, some fulfilment and stability, and a sense of 'belonging'. In short this has proved elusive, aside from some maternity cover work. I have lowered my expectations considerably, and for the past year have had a zero hours contract in the hospitality industry - no control over my hours at all, and at the minimum wage. I have far too much time on my hands. I keep applying for other jobs, but fail to get shortlisted, and my prospects seem bleak. Anyone else out there trying to rebuild their lives after caring ? Confidence draining away, not in control of my life or future, and no purpose now that Mum has gone.

So understand this position. I work with students and believe me the young have it pretty tough trying to break in too. This is a fairly universal situation.
I am so sorry you have been through such a harrowing time, too.
I wonder, could you afford, say 3 sessions with a life coach? They will be in touch with current expectations for the Cv, things like that.
Other than that, I wonder if going to the local library and putting the position to the librarian would put you in touch with sources of help and voluntary work. Our local library is great for up to date information and teaches IT skills as well.
I think you need to work with someone to focus on this.
Warmest, what area of education did you work in? Geraldine aka Kindred.

 

[hilaryd]

Your situation definitely resonates with me - I'd just started a new job following voluntary redundancy when my mum was diagnosed last year, and managed to hold on to it during her very rapid decline and death in January 2018. However, jobhunting in my late fifties was a daunting prospect, even before dementia added to the complications. You're right about the confidence issues, and I also think that dealing with life and death issues on a daily basis does affect your outlook on the world of work - I found that I really couldn't be bothered to pretend to be 'passionate' or ambitious, and avoided any role that asked for that like the plague. Maybe age influences that too! On the other hand I was reassured to find that I did get interviews and that some employers seemed genuinely keen to take on 'mature' people - life skills can be as useful as specific job-related ones.

A friend is currently about to take early retirement from teaching, and we've been discussing her options - if you want to stay in the broad field of education I would think that your skills and experience would be useful for training in business, and I've also seen vacancies locally for people to deliver educational sessions at museums, stately homes etc, but also for large organisations that have visits from schools (Yorkshire Water, for example). Wishing you the best of luck xxx

 

[Kazzy2016]

I can resonate with all this .
I became mums full time carer 3 years ago having before then mixed a full time job with caring for mum but had to give up as her Alzheimers got worse.
Mum is now in a wonderful care home as she now has reached the ‘severe stage’. I visit. Several afternoons a week.
I was lucky enough to get contact work (4 months only) via an agency earlier this year just after she settled into the home. I am contemplating evening shift for the same employer next year as agency is recruiting for them, this way I can keep in touch with mum. Downside is siblings who have high powered/high Salerno work who think full time would be better. Like everyone else finding that in mid 50’s onwards is tough after caring.

Put yourself first for a while and try for what feels right is becoming my mantra - is this right?

 

[Lindy50]

Hi @Kazzy2016
I'm older than you (68) but still miss having a work role. So I'd say yes, put yourself first for a bit and see what suits you. For most of us, our preferences do change after caring (or as we get older), so don't be over-influenced by your siblings - do what feels right for you
Lindy xx

 

[fortune]

My mother is still with us but I am fully expecting to be in a similar position at some point in the future. I see it as a hidden cost of caring for people with dementia - it is not talked about as an 'issue' at all. But then it mostly affects middle-aged women and since when have their interests been remotely visible, let alone a priority, for anyone? I read a twitter post recently that said there is an unspoken assumption that women are just naturally put on this earth with a nappy wipe in one hand and a sick bucket in the other. Aspirations beyond this role are simply not recognised as having any importance in society - if you want an interesting job you'll have to fight tooth and nail, and be extremely lucky.

 

[Mousehill]

My mother is still with us but I am fully expecting to be in a similar position at some point in the future. I see it as a hidden cost of caring for people with dementia - it is not talked about as an 'issue' at all. But then it mostly affects middle-aged women and since when have their interests been remotely visible, let alone a priority, for anyone? I read a twitter post recently that said there is an unspoken assumption that women are just naturally put on this earth with a nappy wipe in one hand and a sick bucket in the other. Aspirations beyond this role are simply not recognised as having any importance in society - if you want an interesting job you'll have to fight tooth and nail, and be extremely lucky.

I'm starting to worry about everything in this thread too! I'm 47 and instead of going for promotion, I dropped to a 4 day week to spend more time looking after my mum. I've now set up so I can work from her home 2 days / week and found a really great team of carers to pick up some of my 'shifts', although I still get her up and dressed, put her to bed, help her on and off the commode, do her laundry, shopping etc. the bulk of the time, with some support from my brother and a couple of mum's neighbours.

Realistically, I see my career with my current employer as being in las final stages. Yes, I could keep reigning back and reducing my hours, but husband and I aren't mega-earners! I do worry about the future and I'm desperately trying to up my qualifications in my spare time (which has actually disappeared...) and start to look for freelance work that I can take on 'as and when' time allows and finances demand.

Realistically, mum is 85 and I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to how much longer she'll be with us. Despite the mood swings and confusion, we do have some great times together and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way than me doing the lion's share - even if I come home in tears on a bad day - I do worry that when it's all over, I will have a completely out of date cv in everything except advanced commode-steering