Trying to get off of the merry-go-round

[Hindy]

My Mum comes from a generation that just gets on with things, no matter how hard they become. I've also followed this example for many years.

I'm hoping that, as things have progressed further, my Mum is now finally ready to take the step toward accepting assistance with caring for my Father.

Tomorrow, I will be visiting an organisation that can offer advice and information.

If there is somewhere that we can attend, I don't know if my Father will stay somewhere without my Mum being with him. It's ironic really. For many years, he would arrive home, eat, get changed and go straight out. He didn't spend much time at home with my Mum. Now, he panics if she isn't there all the time.

I hope that I can give my Mum a break somehow. She needs some space for herself. And, I need to be able to rebuild my life without worrying or feeling guilty.

 

[marionq]

You are describing a way of life that was all too common for men. Why they were so little involved with what their wives and children needed from them is hard to understand but it doesn't stop them expecting family to step up to the plate when they get old or sick.

Amazingly wives and daughters still do!

 

[WILLIAMR]

You are describing a way of life that was all too common for men. Why they were so little involved with what their wives and children needed from them is hard to understand but it doesn't stop them expecting family to step up to the plate when they get old or sick.

Amazingly wives and daughters still do!

Hi marionq

I don't agree with what you are saying.
My father was the main carer for my mother for over 5 years and I helped with caring for my in laws as well as my father.
My mother in law was the headmistress of the school I went to and she said she was glad I did not make my parents first choice of grammar school as she had a very caring son in law as a result.

William

 

[marionq]

Have just noticed your post William and of course there are men who give the kind of attention you describe. Full credit to you. If you are honest though you will observe that most caring is done by wives and daughters rather than husbands and sons. In some cases this may be due to wives usually being younger than their husbands and living longer but then the caring for Mum often falls on the daughter (s) rather than their brothers.

If my post offends or annoys rather than stimulates comment then consider me chastised!

 

[jaymor]

Have just noticed your post William and of course there are men who give the kind of attention you describe. Full credit to you. If you are honest though you will observe that most caring is done by wives and daughters rather than husbands and sons. In some cases this may be due to wives usually being younger than their husbands and living longer but then the caring for Mum often falls on the daughter (s) rather than their brothers.

If my post offends or annoys rather than stimulates comment then consider me chastised!

I think it is an age thing. My grandfather went to work, he worked hard and had a long walk to work and a long walk home. My Grandma looked after the house, the family and anyone on the street who needed help as others did too. My Granddad came home, ate his meal, sat in the chair in front of the fire and read his paper until he fell asleep. Grandma cleared the table, washed up, got 4 children sorted and into bed and then sat darning or knitting. Most homes ran this way. Granddad provided the money, grandma looked after the family and spent the money wisely.

My Father went to work, worked hard and had just as long a walk to work and home from work. My Mother too went to work once !i was at grammar school. So household duties wee shared between them. They helped each other so each could work. I was predominantly cared for by my Mother but Dad did lots of things with me and he was just about the best when it came to helping me with my homework.

My husband and I shared everything, neither of us having a specific job but care would have come difficult to him. He would have given it a good go but not sure he would have coped. Accepting help he would have seen as failing and failure was not a word in his vocabulary.

My Son goes to work, he works hard and drives to and from work. His wife goes to work too, she works hard and they have a family. He is very hands on, cooking, bathing their son, taking son out, swimming, park, bike ride. They share absolutely everything.

So when it comes to giving care, my Grandfather would not have had a clue and would have stuck his head behind his newspaper and hoped the problem would go away. My Father would have managed but might have struggled a bit and maybe not have liked accepting help. My husband would have cared, he did for his Mother at a distance, practical but not hands on. My Son, well he would do it with one hand tied behind his back and do it well.

The times they are a changing.


My grandparents married 1900
My patents in 1943
We married 1966
Son married in 2004

So it has taken 100 years for our family to evolve.

Jay

 

[WILLIAMR]

Have just noticed your post William and of course there are men who give the kind of attention you describe. Full credit to you. If you are honest though you will observe that most caring is done by wives and daughters rather than husbands and sons. In some cases this may be due to wives usually being younger than their husbands and living longer but then the caring for Mum often falls on the daughter (s) rather than their brothers.

If my post offends or annoys rather than stimulates comment then consider me chastised!

Hi marionq

When I have thought about it my wife probably did more of the direct caring.
Often when we went to see my parents or hers I would get the mower out when she would be caring or doing something else indoors.
Oddly enough my wife is 6 months older than me and she retired 6 months later than me. We both had early retirement.
I have to admit on a few occasions I would start a job say gardening or painting for example and I would forget the time and my wife arrived home and no food had been prepared.
I think she was slightly annoyed on about 2 occasions until she spoke to a friend whose husband was retired and he did nothing.
During that 6 months I got a lot done which I was meaning to get around to for a long time and I was giving priority to jobs which needed to be done before the winter.

William