I haven't been to the forum since taking the decision to move my Mum to a care home a couple of weeks ago. (you can read the thread 'Decisions').
Since making the chioce to bring Mum to a home nearer to us, I have been on what I can only describe as the most scary rollercoaster ever.
Before the move Mum seemed to approve of the plans, she seemed to know she was moving. OK she couldn't retain any of the details and kept asking to go over the details, I thought it was for the best.
She had never been happy in the sheltered flat she moved to last year - she never got used to it or recognised it as home. We had increased her care to three longer visits a day, but it wasn't enough. Mum was constantly anxious and distressed and every visit the care log showed tears, and distress.
The move days went OK - Mum helped name all her clothes and we didn't have distress as we started the journey to the new home.
The care home were great on arrival, Mum was off for lunch introduced to some other residents, the staff were all welcoming.
But very soon the tears were back together with the "where am I?" "what am I susposed to do?". I knew it would be difficult for Mum - her short term memory has really gone and she cannot recall where she is. All the staff and residents are unfamiliar. (But very supportive).
But by the next day the questions had changed "Why have you taken me away from my friends and my home?" "when am I going home?" - but not the flat she has just left but the family house and garden she left and sold over a year ago.
This was quite difficult to answer I have always be truthful with Mum about what was going on - but I found myself avoiding the questions.
But that was just the start. By the weekend the questioning had got more searching and the carers (this is a specialist home for AD type clients) were being pressed every few minutes with the same questions.
Next we were onto "Please call the police - you can't keep me here it is not a prison" This really distressed me - what would happen if Mum did exert her right to leave? What would happen - I just don't have a plan 'B'.
Now we have the hardest question of all - "why can't I just come and live with you. I could look after you! - I could look after your house and get you a meal when you come home from work"
I work really long hours (I am out of the house at work 13 -15 hours a day) not to mention I have a wife and three young children that need me too!
This has never been an option; Mum never wanted it - she lived with her mother, my father and my brother and sister before I was born and from what she said it was the biggest strain of her life - she didn't want that for us. I love my mother deeply but I have my own wife and young family to put first.
So now the dilemma - do I just tell the truth and say it is not going to happen and see Mum's distress, dispair and tears intensify or do I give her the hope that may be her stay in the home is just temporary while we 'sort out other options'.
It is early days (see has been at the home for 10 days) and of course hope she will settle soon. If she doesn't and the home ask her to leave I just don't know what I'll do.
The whole situation is really taking its toll on me and my family as I restle with the guilt of not being able to do more - I know I can't get Mum her old life back - but I just do not know what else I can do...
Is it time to lie, I just don't know if I can live with that, but I know I can't cope with seeing Mum so unhappy and distressed either. I know she won't remember our conversations, so is giving her hope of a different (unrealistic) life - where she has back her independence and pride...
I am just tortured with not knowing what is best...
Adrian M
Since making the chioce to bring Mum to a home nearer to us, I have been on what I can only describe as the most scary rollercoaster ever.
Before the move Mum seemed to approve of the plans, she seemed to know she was moving. OK she couldn't retain any of the details and kept asking to go over the details, I thought it was for the best.
She had never been happy in the sheltered flat she moved to last year - she never got used to it or recognised it as home. We had increased her care to three longer visits a day, but it wasn't enough. Mum was constantly anxious and distressed and every visit the care log showed tears, and distress.
The move days went OK - Mum helped name all her clothes and we didn't have distress as we started the journey to the new home.
The care home were great on arrival, Mum was off for lunch introduced to some other residents, the staff were all welcoming.
But very soon the tears were back together with the "where am I?" "what am I susposed to do?". I knew it would be difficult for Mum - her short term memory has really gone and she cannot recall where she is. All the staff and residents are unfamiliar. (But very supportive).
But by the next day the questions had changed "Why have you taken me away from my friends and my home?" "when am I going home?" - but not the flat she has just left but the family house and garden she left and sold over a year ago.
This was quite difficult to answer I have always be truthful with Mum about what was going on - but I found myself avoiding the questions.
But that was just the start. By the weekend the questioning had got more searching and the carers (this is a specialist home for AD type clients) were being pressed every few minutes with the same questions.
Next we were onto "Please call the police - you can't keep me here it is not a prison" This really distressed me - what would happen if Mum did exert her right to leave? What would happen - I just don't have a plan 'B'.
Now we have the hardest question of all - "why can't I just come and live with you. I could look after you! - I could look after your house and get you a meal when you come home from work"
I work really long hours (I am out of the house at work 13 -15 hours a day) not to mention I have a wife and three young children that need me too!
This has never been an option; Mum never wanted it - she lived with her mother, my father and my brother and sister before I was born and from what she said it was the biggest strain of her life - she didn't want that for us. I love my mother deeply but I have my own wife and young family to put first.
So now the dilemma - do I just tell the truth and say it is not going to happen and see Mum's distress, dispair and tears intensify or do I give her the hope that may be her stay in the home is just temporary while we 'sort out other options'.
It is early days (see has been at the home for 10 days) and of course hope she will settle soon. If she doesn't and the home ask her to leave I just don't know what I'll do.
The whole situation is really taking its toll on me and my family as I restle with the guilt of not being able to do more - I know I can't get Mum her old life back - but I just do not know what else I can do...
Is it time to lie, I just don't know if I can live with that, but I know I can't cope with seeing Mum so unhappy and distressed either. I know she won't remember our conversations, so is giving her hope of a different (unrealistic) life - where she has back her independence and pride...
I am just tortured with not knowing what is best...
Adrian M