Hello all. I am really struggling and hope someone can offer advice.
I’ve been a carer for both my parents since 2013 when I noticed both of them were struggling memory wise. Both had shown signs of depresssion for a little while before. Initially as nether would go to a gp I was unpaid and funded myself with doing a degree. Shortly after finishing my degree my father had 2 spells in hospital and I was encouraged to apply for attendance allowance for him and become his carer. This was in 2019. A few moths later my mum agreed to go to a gp but my father still refused.
My mum initially got a diagnosis of clinical depression which eventually turned into vascular dementia. She initially received a prescription of mirtazipine to help her with anxiety at night and to help her sleep, currently at the maximum of 45mg.
A lot of my mums problems stem from my father. He has spells of extreme verbal abuse, saying awful things to her about herself, myself and my mums family. He will also follow her all round the house and garden and either constantly goes on and on, or sometimes just sits there staring at her with a very troubling expression on his face like he wants to hurt someone.
The past 12 months my fathers behaviour and mood has worsened considerably. He has become disconnected from reality - no longer does anything like watch tv or read papers etc. all he wants to do is dig ground in the garden to plant potatoes in, which his consultant has advised him not to do on several occasions as he has heart failure and chronic kidney disease also.
This year his aggression has turned into violence. Around July I saw him raise his hand to my mum, I intervened and got between them, initially he did the same to me but did step down and was in a mood for around a week and didn’t speak to either of us.
Around August his confusion increased considerably. I spoke to the gp who suspected UTI but didn’t do any tests and just have him antibiotics. This did seem to help a little but after around a week he started behaving very strangely. I went in to his bedroom one day and he had sellotaped squares of kitchen roll all over his body. I asked him why and he replied something like “aah, you don’t know all the tricks I know”. After getting advice from a nurse friend I called an ambulance and he was admitted to hospital. The hospital told me no sign of UTI, but his kidney function was down to 16. He was released after around 3 weeks, they did amend his medication and deactivate his defibrillator. For a week after release he didn’t really know where he was. Once he did start to come round the verbal abuse and violence started again but much worse. He raised his hand to my mum 2 times that I know of, and also threatened her with a shovel in the garden, luckily I was only a few yards away and was able to get the shovel off him although he did attempt to threaten me with it too.
In the following days his confusion increased significantly. Just before his first visit to hospital this year he had lost his hearing aids. After he came out we got some new ones, which he had for around a week before breaking them.
His confusion then escalated considerably. I regularly found him in the middle of the night scraping bits of metal with a penknife or emptying other bits of scrap metal over the bed, looking at it and shaking his head, also complaining of the mess I’ve left him in. He was again giving threats of violence to my mum, but did actually kick and punch me, which really hurt.
I again spoke to the gp who yet again prescribed antibiotics for UTI. These seemed to help marginally for a few days. The gp prescribed a stronger course but half way through the course his confusion increased. He was doing things like wearing 4 watches on each arm along with the kitchen roll taped all over his body and also wearing underpants around his neck and on his head.
He also started to urinate all over the house. I bought him a commode but he refused to use it. I also noticed him urinating in cups, pouring it down the kitchen sink and leaving the cup in the washing up bowl. I think he also may have urinated into a glass in the night and then drank it the following day.
He got so confused and delirious that I called for an ambulance and he was again admitted into hospital. The hospital said there was no signs of infection and wanted to discharge him. I told them about all of the above and they referred him to social services.
I received a call from the social worker who initially just wanted to send him home. She then offered 2 carer visits twice a day. I explained the above to her and she said if my mum can’t deal with my father then it is her who should be in a care home as she has dementia. Eventually after some effort she agreed to give him a winter bed placement in a care home and have him assessed further. After around 10 days she called to say care had been arranged and he was coming home 3 days later. Literally minutes after this I received a call from a psychiatric nurse saying they had received a referral from his gp. After telling the nurse this she managed to get him an extension on the care home stay and went to see him.
The nurse did say in her opinion he doesn’t have capacity to make his own decisions, clearly has some mental illness at the very least depression but the social worker still disagreed and wanted to send him home. The nurse said he needs antidepressants asap but they couldn’t do this for around a month if he was going to be sent home. Eventually the social worker extended his stay but from what the care home have said he still hasn’t been given antidepressants.
He has however been visited by a consultant psychiatrist earlier this week. I am told by the nurse that she also doesn’t think he has capacity but has stated she has no authority to determine where he should live. She has also requested he have a brain scan asap as he may have dementia.
Today I’ve received a call from a senior social practitioner who was quite adamant he’s coming home while waiting for the scan. I implied my mum may refuse acces to which she exploded and started getting aggressive with me threatening to have the police break the door down. She said I should choose my words very carefully. Fortunately as my blood was starting to boil the battery have out on my phone.
Since then I have spoken to someone in the mental health nurses office who agreed this is appalling.
Any advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. I have concerns about my own safety as well as that of both my mum and dad. I really do fear he is going to attack one of us and have told the social worker and practitioner this but it feels as though they’re totally ignoring everything I say to them.
I’ve read quite a few threads here and believe one thing I could do is to withdraw care for my father, at least officially as far as social services are concerned.
It would also be helpful to know if they can get the police to break the door down if my mum refuses access. I thought there needed to be someone at risk in the property for them to do that.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you in advance. I think I covered everything but there’s so much.
I’ve been a carer for both my parents since 2013 when I noticed both of them were struggling memory wise. Both had shown signs of depresssion for a little while before. Initially as nether would go to a gp I was unpaid and funded myself with doing a degree. Shortly after finishing my degree my father had 2 spells in hospital and I was encouraged to apply for attendance allowance for him and become his carer. This was in 2019. A few moths later my mum agreed to go to a gp but my father still refused.
My mum initially got a diagnosis of clinical depression which eventually turned into vascular dementia. She initially received a prescription of mirtazipine to help her with anxiety at night and to help her sleep, currently at the maximum of 45mg.
A lot of my mums problems stem from my father. He has spells of extreme verbal abuse, saying awful things to her about herself, myself and my mums family. He will also follow her all round the house and garden and either constantly goes on and on, or sometimes just sits there staring at her with a very troubling expression on his face like he wants to hurt someone.
The past 12 months my fathers behaviour and mood has worsened considerably. He has become disconnected from reality - no longer does anything like watch tv or read papers etc. all he wants to do is dig ground in the garden to plant potatoes in, which his consultant has advised him not to do on several occasions as he has heart failure and chronic kidney disease also.
This year his aggression has turned into violence. Around July I saw him raise his hand to my mum, I intervened and got between them, initially he did the same to me but did step down and was in a mood for around a week and didn’t speak to either of us.
Around August his confusion increased considerably. I spoke to the gp who suspected UTI but didn’t do any tests and just have him antibiotics. This did seem to help a little but after around a week he started behaving very strangely. I went in to his bedroom one day and he had sellotaped squares of kitchen roll all over his body. I asked him why and he replied something like “aah, you don’t know all the tricks I know”. After getting advice from a nurse friend I called an ambulance and he was admitted to hospital. The hospital told me no sign of UTI, but his kidney function was down to 16. He was released after around 3 weeks, they did amend his medication and deactivate his defibrillator. For a week after release he didn’t really know where he was. Once he did start to come round the verbal abuse and violence started again but much worse. He raised his hand to my mum 2 times that I know of, and also threatened her with a shovel in the garden, luckily I was only a few yards away and was able to get the shovel off him although he did attempt to threaten me with it too.
In the following days his confusion increased significantly. Just before his first visit to hospital this year he had lost his hearing aids. After he came out we got some new ones, which he had for around a week before breaking them.
His confusion then escalated considerably. I regularly found him in the middle of the night scraping bits of metal with a penknife or emptying other bits of scrap metal over the bed, looking at it and shaking his head, also complaining of the mess I’ve left him in. He was again giving threats of violence to my mum, but did actually kick and punch me, which really hurt.
I again spoke to the gp who yet again prescribed antibiotics for UTI. These seemed to help marginally for a few days. The gp prescribed a stronger course but half way through the course his confusion increased. He was doing things like wearing 4 watches on each arm along with the kitchen roll taped all over his body and also wearing underpants around his neck and on his head.
He also started to urinate all over the house. I bought him a commode but he refused to use it. I also noticed him urinating in cups, pouring it down the kitchen sink and leaving the cup in the washing up bowl. I think he also may have urinated into a glass in the night and then drank it the following day.
He got so confused and delirious that I called for an ambulance and he was again admitted into hospital. The hospital said there was no signs of infection and wanted to discharge him. I told them about all of the above and they referred him to social services.
I received a call from the social worker who initially just wanted to send him home. She then offered 2 carer visits twice a day. I explained the above to her and she said if my mum can’t deal with my father then it is her who should be in a care home as she has dementia. Eventually after some effort she agreed to give him a winter bed placement in a care home and have him assessed further. After around 10 days she called to say care had been arranged and he was coming home 3 days later. Literally minutes after this I received a call from a psychiatric nurse saying they had received a referral from his gp. After telling the nurse this she managed to get him an extension on the care home stay and went to see him.
The nurse did say in her opinion he doesn’t have capacity to make his own decisions, clearly has some mental illness at the very least depression but the social worker still disagreed and wanted to send him home. The nurse said he needs antidepressants asap but they couldn’t do this for around a month if he was going to be sent home. Eventually the social worker extended his stay but from what the care home have said he still hasn’t been given antidepressants.
He has however been visited by a consultant psychiatrist earlier this week. I am told by the nurse that she also doesn’t think he has capacity but has stated she has no authority to determine where he should live. She has also requested he have a brain scan asap as he may have dementia.
Today I’ve received a call from a senior social practitioner who was quite adamant he’s coming home while waiting for the scan. I implied my mum may refuse acces to which she exploded and started getting aggressive with me threatening to have the police break the door down. She said I should choose my words very carefully. Fortunately as my blood was starting to boil the battery have out on my phone.
Since then I have spoken to someone in the mental health nurses office who agreed this is appalling.
Any advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. I have concerns about my own safety as well as that of both my mum and dad. I really do fear he is going to attack one of us and have told the social worker and practitioner this but it feels as though they’re totally ignoring everything I say to them.
I’ve read quite a few threads here and believe one thing I could do is to withdraw care for my father, at least officially as far as social services are concerned.
It would also be helpful to know if they can get the police to break the door down if my mum refuses access. I thought there needed to be someone at risk in the property for them to do that.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you in advance. I think I covered everything but there’s so much.
