transition to care home

[sarah1987]

Hello everyone,

Just wondering if anyone has any advice. My grandad (87) has dementia and also bone and prostate cancer. His mobility is extremely poor. He struggles to walk from one end of a small room to the other/ get in or out of a chair, stairs are a no go and he struggles so much to get in to my mum's car. My nan is 81 and doesn't drive.

His dementia has got progressively worse over the past 3 years. I don't think he knows who I am, he refuses to go to his Dr's appointments and refuses to use any walking aids ie frame or wheelchair. He drinks whiskey for the pain which my nan has to ration because he doesn't remember he has had any and will drink too much.

He also cannot get to the toilet in time during the night, so my nan has to clean him and change him in the middle of the night every night _ this is more mobility than the dementia at this stage.

He also has a form of eczema now so my nan is rubbing cream in him all day. He cannot get out the house only when my mum picks him up because he can't get to the bus stop or on and off a bus. My nan has lost over a stone from the stress, she is totally drained and has no life because she is afraid to leave him on his own so she runs to the bus stop when he falls asleep and is in a constant panic incase he wakes up and rushes back just to get their shopping. She has some respite when my mum comes on a Friday but my Grandad thinks he is fine and will insist on coming with her everywhere.

Yesterday he went into a care home for a week of respite / possibly permanent all being well. He was very unhappy and angry saying they were ruining his life, he stayed by the door with his coat on all day, my mum returned to him at 8 o'clock because he was so unsettled and eventually got him to go to bed there at half ten. Today he was ok in the morning but by this evening when she phoned he was in his coat by the door again . My mum spoke to him on the phone and he thought he was at the Dr's and was waiting for her to pick him up, He wasn't happy but sounded low rather than angry and apparently then asked the care home staff if it was ok for him to spend one more night.

My question is , do they visit him or leave him to get used to it? My other nan has dementia and is now in a care home and they advised us to leave her for two weeks to settle in which worked and she is now happy as Larry with her new boyfriend...but that's another story!! I feel so sad for my Grandad and my Nan who is feeling very sad about the whole thing. They have not spent a night apart in 60 years and I don't know how I can help her get through it and help my little mum too they are both amazing but they are only human and if things take their toll I would like to know the best way to support them, I live an hour's drive away so it isn't ideal but I want to help where I can.

Any advice welcome!! Sorry for waffling. Thanks x

 

[FozzyC]

You're not waffling, you are expressing your concerns. That's fine. I've just posted twice on other threads so probably ought to butt out, but just wanted to say 'bless you, what a lovely grandchild, you really care and that's precious'! I hope things improve for your family, it sounds like you have a lot to contend with. Not big on advice as I am a novice to all this, but I am sure someone else with experience will help.

 

[CJW]

I would visit to reassure him that he hasn't been dumped and to re explain where he is etc. But it wont be easy for you. Perhaps ask the CH what they think. Good luck

 

[Pickles53]

Mum has only just moved and is by no means settled yet. I went the day after the move and on the advice of CH have been visiting every few days at different times of day and staying for a couple of hours each time. (Admittedly this is partly to reassure myself that the care home is doing what it promised, so far so very good on that score).

After several days of asking why she had to stay there and pleading to go home, yesterday mum's opening and frequently repeated line was 'please don't make me move anywhere else' which was not what I expected at all. Of course later we were back to 'take me home' but maybe there is a glimmer of possibility that she is getting used to it. And every day I am more convinced that it is the right decision when I see how much better care she is getting that it was possible to arrange when she was at home and had no family nearby at all.

 

[wobbly]

Hi Sarah, I hope your Grandad has settled a little, it so hard....we have just moved my. dad to an emi nursing home rather than the residential one he was in and prayed he would settle, so far its been ok but he is fairly advanced with it all and I'm not sure he realises he's moved sometimes. We just played it by ear and listened to the staff too as to what they thought....hope you NAn is getting a bit of a break now....

 

[Jessbow]

Maybe your Nan could go and have lunch or tea with him, sit and perhaps watch some TV together or something? Just normal stuff.

She must be missing him desperately.

 

[Pickles53]

One step forward, two steps back..... It was my mum's birthday last Wednesday, I visited with daughter and toddler grandson and we just had a little get-together in mum's room. She took some interest in opening cards and had a small slice of cake, even said her flowers were lovely.

Yesterday, awful. She just kept saying all the the time that she wants to die, why are we making her live in this horrible place. Her main carer was not on duty so couldn't ask her how things have been over the last few days, but could not see any sign of improvement in her mobility, she hadn't even wanted to get out of bed. Refused any breakfast quite aggressively, when the chef came to ask about lunch she 'didn't want any of that rubbish' either. We tried to talk about something, anything else to distract her but not much success.

I've read the compassionate communication thread again but I still don't know what to say/do that might help. I have told her that she can't go home because she is not very well and needs the doctors/nurses to help her, that's true but she doesn't believe it. I feel so pathetic that I can't even cheer her up for an hour.....