too soon to plan ahead?

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by katie1, Jul 4, 2015.

  1. katie1

    katie1 Registered User

    Aug 5, 2014
    122
    Kendal Cumbria
    Is it too soon to plan ahead? My lovely Dad died a couple of weeks ago, we had his funeral on Wednesday last week and all the family came from near and far, it was so good to see everyone!
    But I keep thinking ahead to what we "usually" do in the Autumn and Winter especially Christmas. Usually Mum and Dad spend Christmas Morning and the day together cooking their own Festive lunch and come to us on Boxing Day. I feel so upset when I think of Mum all on her own on Christmas Morning, with no Dad there.
    Its just too sad to think about. Of course she can cone to us we are only about 10 minutes down the road she can have lunch with us but I know she will get very tired and what will it feel like for her to go back home into an empty house on Christmas night, and how will it feel for her to be in her house on Christmas Eve?
    Its just so horrible to think about, I don't want to think about it but I do want to have a plan of action ready to suggest in time for her!
    She is 83, Dad was 85
    I feel a big empty hole now he is gone, it must be so much worse for Mum
     
  2. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    4,016
    Essex
    When my mum was first widowed , although she was invited to family for Christmas, she refused & preferred to spend Christmas Day alone & went to family for Boxing Day. It was about 3 years before she consented to have company on Christmas Day.

    Perhaps you could not plan too much, but have an informal arrangement where your mum can pop in if she feels like it & go home when she wants.

    Take care

    Lin x
     
  3. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    When my Dad died we tried to keep family traditions but in a different way. Its impossible to go on like nothing has changed but your lost loved one would what you all to be happy. I kept reminding Mum of this. What would dad want us to do? It kept him with us and kept us going. Its so very hard so sending you love. Try to focus on what you still have and all the good memories of the past.
     
  4. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,475
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Not too soon to think about it, and a good idea to have something different to suggest, but perhaps too early to ask your mum to think about it or decide.

    Nearer the time you can ask her what she feels, and let her make the decision. As you are nearby it hopefully will be easy to be flexible if she changes her mind.
     
  5. katie1

    katie1 Registered User

    Aug 5, 2014
    122
    Kendal Cumbria
    We saw Dad a couple of days before he died, he said to me "Look after your Mum Lovey" he always used to call me Lovey. I told him that of course I would. I think he would hate to think we had left her alone!
    He wants me to look after her in any way I can, but only if she wants me to I realise that of course.
    It is something I will; chat to her about nearer the time, she might be anxious about it, I don't know, as I said early days yet.
    Thank you
     
  6. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,051
    GLASGOW
    I made the same promise but dont give all of your life to your mum. You need to have your own too.
     
  7. Blogg

    Blogg Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    64
    #7 Blogg, Jul 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2015
    Katie, I'm sorry for your loss. My Dad died at the beginning of May, my Mum has done amazingly well at trying to make plans for the future. Talk to your Mum and see how she feels x
     
  8. oldman1952

    oldman1952 Registered User

    Apr 4, 2014
    45
    Go with the flow

    Hi Katie, Blog is on the ball there. Loss is one of the worst things in life, for you and your Mum everything will be different from now on. As my title say's Go with the flow. Communication at this time will be beneficial for all the family. Break Christmas into small bits. Why have a traditional Christmas, everyone sitting around stuffed full of Turkey and Christmas Pud. Nearer the time explore with Mum what she wants to do. There might be a hotel or pub doing a Christmas lunch. Again nearer the time ask her if she would like to come round in the morning to open presents and have a traditional breakfast. Then she can go back home to d her own thing until what ever is happening happens. Make sure that no one feels obliged to do things, just because it has always been done that way. Remember Mum might not want to actually want to be with others on Christmas day, she might want to be alone for Dinner. Hope you get things sorted out best regards Oldman1952
     

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