Too "aware" to be in a care home?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Jenni_B, Aug 24, 2019.

  1. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,091
    It’s a constant pressure sadly, just had a phone call tonight from Mum. Apparently she’s got another UTI & is on antibiotics, nurse came out yesterday. I could hear the TV on loudly in the background- sounded like who wants to be a millionaire- mum quickly came off the phone as the theme tune came back on! Obviously rang me bored in the ad break!
     
  2. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    437
    You
    Hi.For people with dementia they recommend coloured plates ,mugs etc.My dad has a red mug which is easy for him to pick up as he sometimes struggles with a China mug(motor coordination).Plus he only ever wants”half a mug”.It is plastic.
     
  3. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,091
    Yep ticked that box last year to no avail.
    Maybe mums just awkward as it’s not as if she’s wasting away. Just mainlining coco pops, hot chocolate, puddings & cakes!
    At least it’s calories!!!
     
  4. Jenni_B

    Jenni_B Registered User

    Aug 24, 2019
    65
    Female
    France
    @Lady M - I hope others here can offer advice. Good luck with everything.

    @DesperateofDevon - Urgggh! Have just commented on your own thread.
     
  5. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    1,091
    ((((Hugs))))
     
  6. sjm80

    sjm80 New member

    Dec 20, 2017
    2
    Thank you!
     
  7. Jenni_B

    Jenni_B Registered User

    Aug 24, 2019
    65
    Female
    France
    Just to say, I've now passed all your very helpful comments, suggestions and messages of support to my sister, and she is most reassured. Many thanks to everyone - from both of us.:)

    I'm going to stick around here because I'm learning such a lot, which may not only help my sister again in the future, but me too whenever I'm with her and her husband. Our "holiday" in Northumberland isn't far round the corner now... Not sure how we'll fit 3 people & 3 dogs in the car on top of (probably literally!) all the incontinence pants, bed protection devices etc, but where there's a will there's a way :D
     
  8. Justmary

    Justmary Registered User

    Jul 12, 2018
    48
    Female
    West Midlands
    Hi Jenni, I am in a similar situation to your sister. My husband was diagnosed 4 years ago, will not stay at a day centre and thinks that he's perfectly ok. So all of the replies to your post have been most useful and I want to thank you. I am continually amazed at the wonderful people here on TP. I am also 64, my husband is 71, and my sister who helps me is called Jani! Please keep posting. Hope your holiday goes well. Mary
     
  9. Jenni_B

    Jenni_B Registered User

    Aug 24, 2019
    65
    Female
    France
    Hi Mary. Some coincidence! I really feel for you, but pleased all these comments have been helpful to you too. TP is great, isn't it?

    Recently my BIL asked my sister how old she was. After she told him, he said, "I'm 400." When she gently suggested nobody lives till they're 400, he said, "Oh, I suppose not. Well, I'm over 300 anyway." He was confusing age with the cricket scores, which she'd been explaining when he was watching the test match. Yesterday he asked her if he should go to the doctor in case he's got dementia.

    Very occasionally he has more lucid moments, when he understands that she needs a break. Although he quickly forgets such conversations, something must stick, because at the moment he accepts the Thursday Day Centre routine, albeit like a sulky toddler who doesn't want to go to nursery. She knows if she gave in, he would stop going. I hope you persevere with your husband regarding the DC, because although 5 hours off a week are way too few for my sister, they're nevertheless a bit of a lifeline and give her something to look forward to. Among other things, for the first time in years, she's managing to spend a little time with her grown up sons (from previous marriage) on her own, and have "normal" conversations...
     
  10. Jenni_B

    Jenni_B Registered User

    Aug 24, 2019
    65
    Female
    France
    Update: The Northumberland holiday went better than my sister and I expected :), thanks in large part to fine weather, a great cottage and good teamwork. BIL liked the cottage, although never managed to find his way around it during our 6-day stay. Despite it being a tiny 2-bed bungalow, each time he needed the loo one of us had to physically lead him to the bathroom (pointing or giving directions didn't work); sometimes my sister even had to show him exactly where the toilet was within it. On re-emerging, he couldn't find his way back to us (round a couple of corners) without help. Nevertheless, he seemed generally relaxed in the unfamiliar surroundings and in my company if Liz wasn't around. By the end of each half day, as anticipated, he couldn't remember where we had been and what we'd done. Bed protection worked! My sister and I even managed to have a few laughs, which was an unexpected bonus.

    This Tuesday a social worker visited for the first time, to undertake mental capacity & care needs assessment for BIL, and Carer needs assessment for my sister, who is desperate for regular respite. The meeting plunged my sister into deep despair - not least because the SW's communication skills didn't seem up to the task. I've listened to a recording of the conversation and at times it's quite hard for me, never mind someone suffering from mid-stage Alzheimer's, to follow her.

    She decided that BIL does have mental capacity. While this wasn't a surprise, it's impossible to tell how she came to that conclusion - or indeed if capacity was formally assessed at all. If I've understood the Act correctly, it should be assessed only for a specific decision at a specific time. So I was intrigued to know what decision BIL would be asked to make.

    In the recording, at no stage does the SW appear to check the 3 criteria which I understand are crucial for confirming capacity, namely that BIL:
    • understands the information relevant to the decision he's being asked to make
    • retains that information
    • uses or weighs up that information as part of the process of making the decision
    Indeed, she seems to have already decided he has mental capacity before she asks him to make a decision: "So today's your opportunity, whilst you can still make that decision, to tell me what that decision is. Would you, if something happened to E, would you be wanting to go to residential or would you want to stay at home?"

    We are somewhat dismayed and can't tell if the SW was inexperienced, poorly trained, simply not very good or representative of SWs generally. I would like to post a longer, verbatim extract of this section of their conversation but am not sure if that's allowed, even if no names mentioned?

    A financial assessment is to follow in a week or two. But according to Age UK, the care plan should be discussed and agreed before a means assessment takes place. So far the SW hasn't mentioned when she might produce a plan, but I think my sister should request it prior to the means test. I'd be grateful for any of your thoughts.
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,020
    Yorkshire
    hi @Jenni_B
    I'm glad the holiday went well

    probably best not to post a transcript of the conversation, especially if the SW wasn't aware the recording was happening, just in case you inadvertently give a detail that will compromise their identity
     
  12. Jenni_B

    Jenni_B Registered User

    Aug 24, 2019
    65
    Female
    France
    @Shedrech - Thanks! That's what I thought. I don't think ID would be compromised, but even so, I will hold back.
     

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