my dear husband suffers from this awful disease,it has changed our marriage from a very loving relationship to one of constant stress.I find I waken every day with a great anger in me . I lose my temper with him when he asks the same question over and over again or I ask him to do a simple task and he forgets within seconds. I find I am turning into a most horrible person and after I have scolded him I go of and cry.Please can someone help me give me some advice to keep calm with him as I know it hurts him terribly when I shout at him.
thompson ANGER
- Thread starter thompson
- Start date
Hello and welcome. I'm so sorry to read about how you're feeling. I totally understand it though. I often lose my temper with my husband then get upset afterwards. I'm not the best person to advise! There is a thread though called Compassionate Communication. I am not too good at that but many others have found it useful. I will try to find it and post the link here in a minute it two. Izzy x
Here it is -
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
I hope you find it useful. x
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
I hope you find it useful. x
Hello Thompson
Welcome to TP
I shouted at Mum sometimes and felt awful after
Its stress
as well as the trauma of seeing what this vile disease does to the ones we care for, its so hard to see someone you care about, as I call it,growing downwards.
You like I did with my mum are fighting in your own way to stop your husband forgetting how to do things etc, so you dont lose anymore of your husband than you already have, (I am not explaining myself very well, but I hope you understand)
try to forgive yourself , you not only need to be patient with your husband but also with yourself, no one is perfect we all make mistakes and lose our cool , hopefully in coming here you will find strategies that will help you
I hope you are getting some support/help
Personally I found Compassionate communication, that Izzy has provided a link for, very helpful for ME as well as Mum, I didnt lose my cool with Mum nearly as much as I used to, but its not easy to follow ,say, when your asked the same question for the 50th time that day and you know their is more to come
I hope you are getting enough help
Welcome to TP
I shouted at Mum sometimes and felt awful after
Its stress
as well as the trauma of seeing what this vile disease does to the ones we care for, its so hard to see someone you care about, as I call it,growing downwards.
You like I did with my mum are fighting in your own way to stop your husband forgetting how to do things etc, so you dont lose anymore of your husband than you already have, (I am not explaining myself very well, but I hope you understand)
try to forgive yourself , you not only need to be patient with your husband but also with yourself, no one is perfect we all make mistakes and lose our cool , hopefully in coming here you will find strategies that will help you
I hope you are getting some support/help
Personally I found Compassionate communication, that Izzy has provided a link for, very helpful for ME as well as Mum, I didnt lose my cool with Mum nearly as much as I used to, but its not easy to follow ,say, when your asked the same question for the 50th time that day and you know their is more to come
I hope you are getting enough help
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I so know how you feel. Two ways I try to deal with it:
1) Accept there's nothing I can do - stress is mainly caused by being in a situation over which you have no control. Once you accept this-takes some of the pressure off. Although it doesn't take away the hurt and sense of loss-it does help a bit.In my mind, I'm already a widow(midow?) as the man I knew is mainly gone-and we're still in relatively early stages(I think..)!.I'll keep him safe -and as happy as possible-but that is all I can do now. it's our wedding anniversary on Monday...not looking forward to that one!
2) Make sure you have time and space for yourself. I'm just off for a jog-only fifteen minutes(very slow as well!) -went for a swim last night etc....It does help in that it means life isn't all about being a carer-you can still be you.
I know it's not that easy; I'm a teacher so have just broken up-and I dread the holidays. I just want my husband back--as we all do.
Hope today is better for you.xxx
1) Accept there's nothing I can do - stress is mainly caused by being in a situation over which you have no control. Once you accept this-takes some of the pressure off. Although it doesn't take away the hurt and sense of loss-it does help a bit.In my mind, I'm already a widow(midow?) as the man I knew is mainly gone-and we're still in relatively early stages(I think..)!.I'll keep him safe -and as happy as possible-but that is all I can do now. it's our wedding anniversary on Monday...not looking forward to that one!
2) Make sure you have time and space for yourself. I'm just off for a jog-only fifteen minutes(very slow as well!) -went for a swim last night etc....It does help in that it means life isn't all about being a carer-you can still be you.
I know it's not that easy; I'm a teacher so have just broken up-and I dread the holidays. I just want my husband back--as we all do.
Hope today is better for you.xxx
I joined a local carers' group and went on a stress management course, just talking to other carers was brilliant, I was given a relaxation cd which helps to remind me of the techniques we covered on the course.
It was telling that despite the carers group covered physical and mental illness, the people who attended all but one was caring for a family member with dementia.
It was telling that despite the carers group covered physical and mental illness, the people who attended all but one was caring for a family member with dementia.
Hi Thompson.
You sound like me earlier in the year. For me, I think a lot of it was denial. I just couldn't believe my husband had dementia and kept looking for signs of normality. I so much didn't want it to be happening. I've ranted and screamed and wept. Not so much now as my husband is quite advanced in his dementia and I just have to accept that finally. I still flare up fairly frequently though I know, from having read the Compassionate Communication article, that its counter productive. It's just so difficult being a saint!!!
Our 50th wedding anniversary passed unnoticed in April. Very sad that we couldn't share it.
Sending you courage and a big hug. Pross.
You sound like me earlier in the year. For me, I think a lot of it was denial. I just couldn't believe my husband had dementia and kept looking for signs of normality. I so much didn't want it to be happening. I've ranted and screamed and wept. Not so much now as my husband is quite advanced in his dementia and I just have to accept that finally. I still flare up fairly frequently though I know, from having read the Compassionate Communication article, that its counter productive. It's just so difficult being a saint!!!
Our 50th wedding anniversary passed unnoticed in April. Very sad that we couldn't share it.
Sending you courage and a big hug. Pross.
There are many of us here who understand exactly what you are saying. I have just been driven round the bend this morning - I have 'solved' it by leaving the room, watering the garden, deciding to clear up the mess later, coming onto this website and finding solace in this great community.
On a bigger scale, as others have said, I was offered a CBT Course for Carers (which I found worse than useless - but am glad to have met the others on the course) and one-to-one counselling. That is much more helpful.
And also - maintaining and building your own separate life. That is essential for me.
On a bigger scale, as others have said, I was offered a CBT Course for Carers (which I found worse than useless - but am glad to have met the others on the course) and one-to-one counselling. That is much more helpful.
And also - maintaining and building your own separate life. That is essential for me.
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I just gave up arguing and trying to reason with my husband because I realised it was pointless and was making us both miserable and stressed.
I now just go with the flow and repair or put right anything that goes wrong afterwards if I can. Path of least resistance works best for us but it has taken me a while to accept this change in our relationship.
I wish you the very best
xx
I now just go with the flow and repair or put right anything that goes wrong afterwards if I can. Path of least resistance works best for us but it has taken me a while to accept this change in our relationship.
I wish you the very best
xx
Hello Thompson
I know exactly how you feel, and you have had very good advice from other TP members so far. Sadly in April my husband was admitted to a CH. He is very settled and for this I am very happy. When he was at home I went through a period of getting angry and him, although it was not him but the illness which should have borne the brunt of my anger. Poor George was never aware that he was doing anything wrong and in hindsight I know he was doing nothing wrong. I still torture myself with the memories of me getting angry at him. He was such a loving husband for 49 years and this illness brought out the very worst in him, through no fault of his own. I was prescribed an anti depressant by the GP, I am in the process of weaning myself off them. I never experienced the constant repetitive questions you mention, but there is a lady in the CH who does this and I can understand that this must be very waring. George does have difficulty in carrying out simple tasks, but fortunately this did not bother me, I just helped him to carry them out, it seemed simpler. I do hope you can begin to understand soon how to cope with the anger within you. Perhaps a low dose anti depressant might help you too, I called it my happy pill and I am sure it stopped me from completely loosing my temper at times. This illness is a b----r and there is absolutely nothing we can do except show as much love as we can to the sufferer.
Take care,
Love Margaret x
I know exactly how you feel, and you have had very good advice from other TP members so far. Sadly in April my husband was admitted to a CH. He is very settled and for this I am very happy. When he was at home I went through a period of getting angry and him, although it was not him but the illness which should have borne the brunt of my anger. Poor George was never aware that he was doing anything wrong and in hindsight I know he was doing nothing wrong. I still torture myself with the memories of me getting angry at him. He was such a loving husband for 49 years and this illness brought out the very worst in him, through no fault of his own. I was prescribed an anti depressant by the GP, I am in the process of weaning myself off them. I never experienced the constant repetitive questions you mention, but there is a lady in the CH who does this and I can understand that this must be very waring. George does have difficulty in carrying out simple tasks, but fortunately this did not bother me, I just helped him to carry them out, it seemed simpler. I do hope you can begin to understand soon how to cope with the anger within you. Perhaps a low dose anti depressant might help you too, I called it my happy pill and I am sure it stopped me from completely loosing my temper at times. This illness is a b----r and there is absolutely nothing we can do except show as much love as we can to the sufferer.
Take care,
Love Margaret x
