In January Mum had a dental check up and a hygenist appointment.
It's a new dentist to us and my Dad is a retired dentist. I went to the first appointment and the dentist had taken my note not to patronise Mum as licence to speak to her like anyone else. She had a low Irish voice and Mum couldn't hear what she was saying. I had to say 'you do need to be clear with her'. Mum was unco-operative and distressed and it was difficult to get her to open her mouth.
I said to Dad after, just as well you didn't go with as you might have found it very embarrassing. So we were on tenderhooks about the hygenist. Mum was as good as gold. Although I think they made a conscious decision, probably based on the notes from appt 1 and me sending another note before, not to use the sucker. Mum's dental hygiene was seen as not a disaster which was pleasing. In her mind it's still important to her, not least as the wife of a dentist.
This Thursday is the dental treatment though. The dentist said it was necessary and I agreed. One filling. The first two appointments were an example of the unpredictability. You don't expect bad stuff to happen and it does. You expect it to be a trainwreck, and it's fine. I said to Dad earlier that the dentist had mentioned injection in the first appointment. Dad had two fillings with her this week with no injection. We agreed we go with what the dentist needs and wants in the situation. Obviously having a gum injection and how it feels afterwards would be upsetting for a person with middle stage dementia. It will be stressful if Mum fails to play ball on Thursday but to me, there's never a better time than now when she is still able to communicate and understand to some extent. I just wondered if others had experience to share.
The other bit is when to talk about stuff. I tend to go with most things 'on the day'. I live with Mum now by the way with Dad living independently. But who would want to know about something like that on the day? We all need a chance to get our head round something beforehand. But of course often that's not going to be possible and you just cause unnecessary distress. I also write stuff down but that's usually on the day ie we will go here and x and y will happen. Usually that helps but sometimes it backfires and she stares at it over and over and works herself up.
It's at 1230pm and there is a dementia cafe that we have been going to beforehand all three of us but in the past this was triggering for Mum. The question is should I save all her energies for the appointment and have to find things to do at home all morning and go over and over what's going to happen or do we go dementia cafe (which is just near where Dad lives and where the dentist is) and potentially overwhelm her before another overwhelming experience? There will still be time to kill in between the two if we do go.
In reality I have to play all of this by ear. And partly it's how I'm doing. If I'm feeling like rubbish, then I don't want to be going through stuff the day before and the can of worms it can open. And to be honest, I'm quite beleagured at the mo. My gut feeling is that I do want to cover it the day before though. It feels indecent with some things just to mention them on the day. Obviously I choose a receptive moment and if it doesn't present, I wait til the day.
There's other triggering stuff this week in that I'm still struggling with Mum accepting any outside help. Dad is great and gives me some respite but that hasn't always been the case since I became full-time carer and if she is going to end up in care I feel I do her no favours not to expose her to the reality of having help from strangers. I thought I'd resolved with the charity how the visits would work best but D still tends to be too lively with Mum and Mum feels like she's having to perform. Last week went tits up (last went tits up before Xmas). Before Xmas I cancelled the next visit but I haven't done this time. I said to D when I said to Mum about her coming, Mum said oh no she talks too much. Normally I don't say anything to Mum prior to visit and I won't do this time. I've had to push back against the idea that it would all be rosier if they took her out and said no I know what I'm on about that won't work and my Dad and I can do that bit. So it's just sitting with her and watch the box for an hour so I can have one hour a week to myself that's not covered by Dad. I will message D again before (she's a very sweet person) to be low key and hang back. I have a feeling finally this penny may have dropped after it's gone wrong again. I don't expect Mum to love it. I don't need that. But to bear it. At least she won't really remember last week. She knows enough by now though to say 'oh no' at the prospect. It puts me on tenderhooks the whole day beforehand and the thought that I can't share care with anyone because Mum won't accept it is very demoralising.
It's a new dentist to us and my Dad is a retired dentist. I went to the first appointment and the dentist had taken my note not to patronise Mum as licence to speak to her like anyone else. She had a low Irish voice and Mum couldn't hear what she was saying. I had to say 'you do need to be clear with her'. Mum was unco-operative and distressed and it was difficult to get her to open her mouth.
I said to Dad after, just as well you didn't go with as you might have found it very embarrassing. So we were on tenderhooks about the hygenist. Mum was as good as gold. Although I think they made a conscious decision, probably based on the notes from appt 1 and me sending another note before, not to use the sucker. Mum's dental hygiene was seen as not a disaster which was pleasing. In her mind it's still important to her, not least as the wife of a dentist.
This Thursday is the dental treatment though. The dentist said it was necessary and I agreed. One filling. The first two appointments were an example of the unpredictability. You don't expect bad stuff to happen and it does. You expect it to be a trainwreck, and it's fine. I said to Dad earlier that the dentist had mentioned injection in the first appointment. Dad had two fillings with her this week with no injection. We agreed we go with what the dentist needs and wants in the situation. Obviously having a gum injection and how it feels afterwards would be upsetting for a person with middle stage dementia. It will be stressful if Mum fails to play ball on Thursday but to me, there's never a better time than now when she is still able to communicate and understand to some extent. I just wondered if others had experience to share.
The other bit is when to talk about stuff. I tend to go with most things 'on the day'. I live with Mum now by the way with Dad living independently. But who would want to know about something like that on the day? We all need a chance to get our head round something beforehand. But of course often that's not going to be possible and you just cause unnecessary distress. I also write stuff down but that's usually on the day ie we will go here and x and y will happen. Usually that helps but sometimes it backfires and she stares at it over and over and works herself up.
It's at 1230pm and there is a dementia cafe that we have been going to beforehand all three of us but in the past this was triggering for Mum. The question is should I save all her energies for the appointment and have to find things to do at home all morning and go over and over what's going to happen or do we go dementia cafe (which is just near where Dad lives and where the dentist is) and potentially overwhelm her before another overwhelming experience? There will still be time to kill in between the two if we do go.
In reality I have to play all of this by ear. And partly it's how I'm doing. If I'm feeling like rubbish, then I don't want to be going through stuff the day before and the can of worms it can open. And to be honest, I'm quite beleagured at the mo. My gut feeling is that I do want to cover it the day before though. It feels indecent with some things just to mention them on the day. Obviously I choose a receptive moment and if it doesn't present, I wait til the day.
There's other triggering stuff this week in that I'm still struggling with Mum accepting any outside help. Dad is great and gives me some respite but that hasn't always been the case since I became full-time carer and if she is going to end up in care I feel I do her no favours not to expose her to the reality of having help from strangers. I thought I'd resolved with the charity how the visits would work best but D still tends to be too lively with Mum and Mum feels like she's having to perform. Last week went tits up (last went tits up before Xmas). Before Xmas I cancelled the next visit but I haven't done this time. I said to D when I said to Mum about her coming, Mum said oh no she talks too much. Normally I don't say anything to Mum prior to visit and I won't do this time. I've had to push back against the idea that it would all be rosier if they took her out and said no I know what I'm on about that won't work and my Dad and I can do that bit. So it's just sitting with her and watch the box for an hour so I can have one hour a week to myself that's not covered by Dad. I will message D again before (she's a very sweet person) to be low key and hang back. I have a feeling finally this penny may have dropped after it's gone wrong again. I don't expect Mum to love it. I don't need that. But to bear it. At least she won't really remember last week. She knows enough by now though to say 'oh no' at the prospect. It puts me on tenderhooks the whole day beforehand and the thought that I can't share care with anyone because Mum won't accept it is very demoralising.
