Just left my OH in bed, and came down staires, Im feeling fragile as Im wriing this. He has seemed really fazed out tonight , when I asked him if he was fine he said yes he was. He was looking around the house as if he didnt regonise it then asked me when i was going home, I then told him that it was our home and the amswer I got was THIS IS NOT MY HOME . Tonight he seemed like a different person and I dont know If I can cope with this so upsetting . Has any one else out there had the same problem? Tonight is going to be a long one I think!!
This is not my home
- Thread starter Angtrog
- Start date
I haven't had that issue yet, although I have has a failure to recognise me on a few occasions.
If this is a sudden change and accompanied by other confusion it is always worth a chat with the GP in case it may be caused by an infection such as a UTI.
If this is a sudden change and accompanied by other confusion it is always worth a chat with the GP in case it may be caused by an infection such as a UTI.
My husband went through a phase of asking when we were going home in both the mornings and evenings. Even when I explained we had lived here for 40 years and brought our children up in this house he replied - you might but I didn't! I associated it with the strangeness of being in lockdown but reading posts on here I gather it is quite common. I would even get my phone out with Street View to try to help but usually he would persist until we had been out for a walk. He hasn't said anything about it not being his home for a few days and so fingers crossed!
My mum has been saying this for quite a while now but it has become a problem as it can go on all day for several days at a time. It starts by her suddenly saying I must go home and continues with her asking if she can walk along the top to get there (there are mountain behind our house), the reasons why she must leave can become quite varied anything from her mum will be worried (she died in 1965) to she must look after her little boy (my brother is 58). We have to keep our doors and garden gates locked in case she tries to leave.
It is common as you say @Looseleaf , which doesn`t make it any less shocking especially when it happens for the first time.
@Angtrog. Perhaps if it happens again, it might work if you answer `tomorrow` to the question `When are you/we/am I going home?` in the hope by tomorrow it will have passed.
If it isn`t an infection it will likely be sundowning, which is confusion experienced late afternoon or during the evening. Tiredness often increases confusion, as does low blood sugar and infections.
I won`t suggest it gets easier because it`s a shock each time it happens, simply because it`s unexpected and quite upsetting.
I don`t know if you`ve read the following, but it can help. Having something like this to be written, shows how much help we need in understanding communication with people with dementia.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
@Angtrog. Perhaps if it happens again, it might work if you answer `tomorrow` to the question `When are you/we/am I going home?` in the hope by tomorrow it will have passed.
If it isn`t an infection it will likely be sundowning, which is confusion experienced late afternoon or during the evening. Tiredness often increases confusion, as does low blood sugar and infections.
I won`t suggest it gets easier because it`s a shock each time it happens, simply because it`s unexpected and quite upsetting.
I don`t know if you`ve read the following, but it can help. Having something like this to be written, shows how much help we need in understanding communication with people with dementia.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Check up to make sure that he is well and in particular, has no infections, but if he is clear then it will be progression of the dementia.
Increased confusion in the evening and night is very common and is due to sundowning and this may be what he now has.
Wanting to "go home" is almost universal with dementia in the later stages. If you ask him about what his home is like you may well find that he is thinking about a previous home - usually a childhood home, or a beloved holiday home. Actually, though, wanting to go home is more of a state of mind. He is confused and disorientated and doesnt recognise anything, so he wants to go somewhere where he feels safe, feels he belongs and can leave the confusion behind. In short, he wants his home. No matter that he has lived there many years, the memory has been stolen by dementia and he wants the home he remembers from his childhood.
It is no good trying to argue or reason with them and it will just make them more anxious and confused. Sometimes once the sundowning has lifted and the confusion goes he will remember again, or you can bump-start it by walking or driving round the block and saying "here we are - home!" It doesnt always work, though. Many people use "love lies" and say that they are just staying the night and are going home in the morning, that they are on holiday there or are looking after the house for a friend. Try and find something that will ease his distress and calm him.
Increased confusion in the evening and night is very common and is due to sundowning and this may be what he now has.
Wanting to "go home" is almost universal with dementia in the later stages. If you ask him about what his home is like you may well find that he is thinking about a previous home - usually a childhood home, or a beloved holiday home. Actually, though, wanting to go home is more of a state of mind. He is confused and disorientated and doesnt recognise anything, so he wants to go somewhere where he feels safe, feels he belongs and can leave the confusion behind. In short, he wants his home. No matter that he has lived there many years, the memory has been stolen by dementia and he wants the home he remembers from his childhood.
It is no good trying to argue or reason with them and it will just make them more anxious and confused. Sometimes once the sundowning has lifted and the confusion goes he will remember again, or you can bump-start it by walking or driving round the block and saying "here we are - home!" It doesnt always work, though. Many people use "love lies" and say that they are just staying the night and are going home in the morning, that they are on holiday there or are looking after the house for a friend. Try and find something that will ease his distress and calm him.
OH seems a little bit better this smorning in the shower now as Im writing this , I think it could be sundowing as it was dark earlier on last night. He was at the doctors a fortnight ago because he was having hallucinations the doctor gave him a course of antibiotics treating him for a chest infection but wasnt sure if it was that or the dementia, he did have a bit of a wheeze thou thats gone if he wasnt any better had to go back to doctors where she said she would make an urgent referral for the memory clinic. He does seem a lot better now, but its so distressing for the carer horrible to see him like this . I have just printed off the link that Grannie G sent over about Compassionate Communication with the memory so so useful and very true thank you for that .I do tend to over load the questions I ask him sometimes so really useful for me . Thanks for all your comments and advice .
Glad to hear that things are better today. We had just the same with my dad. He packed things away to 'go home' many times and it's so true that he was looking for feelings and emotions, rather than a physical place. When he stayed with us, I would dread the time from 4pm, as he became convinced that it was his house and we were intruders. No point in arguing at all, we just had to go along with it. Dad is now in a brilliant care home and this seems to have abated. In fact he told my niece that he liked living there and felt lucky, he should have gone there with my mum along time ago! As you can imagine, we were thrilled to hear him say that. Strength to you.
Next time it happens try saying ‘ we are staying here tonight, it is very comfortable, there is tea and fruit cake, would you like some ? Or would you prefer some custard creams ?
Distract his brain with the decision, biscuits or cake.
If he continues just say we are returning home tomorrow.
More questions, say the central heating is not working at home.
He is not going to remember this conversation in the morning, your objective is very clear, end the conversation in a relaxed manor, with him feeling no agitation, fear or any other negative emotion.
I would accept the doctors offer to contact the memory clinic.
Be prepared that the next stage could be that he doesn’t recognise you!
Dont forget the search bar at the top of this page. You can put in something like ‘ husband doesn’t recognise me ‘ and read advice given previously. This site can give you the tools to deal with the behaviours you are presented with, it’s a great feeling when a new behaviour turns up and due to what you have read on this site you think ‘ I know what to try ’!
Distract his brain with the decision, biscuits or cake.
If he continues just say we are returning home tomorrow.
More questions, say the central heating is not working at home.
He is not going to remember this conversation in the morning, your objective is very clear, end the conversation in a relaxed manor, with him feeling no agitation, fear or any other negative emotion.
I would accept the doctors offer to contact the memory clinic.
Be prepared that the next stage could be that he doesn’t recognise you!
Dont forget the search bar at the top of this page. You can put in something like ‘ husband doesn’t recognise me ‘ and read advice given previously. This site can give you the tools to deal with the behaviours you are presented with, it’s a great feeling when a new behaviour turns up and due to what you have read on this site you think ‘ I know what to try ’!
Yes my husband is going thru this at the moment it is difficult and upsetting as we have lived in the same house for over 35 years and so lots of memories
My OH also decided that we had another home. He normally takes trazodone along with other meds before he goes to bed but I found that giving it to him between 5.00 and 6.00 calmed him down and he was more amenable to the suggestion that we would leave the next day.