Thinking ahead - too far, as usual!

[kingmidas1962]

Went to see dad today, with mum as usual. She seems to find it hard to visit him - it is very sad, this much is very true.

Occasionally mum is tearful but actually has said more than once that it's herself she feels sorry for, not him - he is 'oblivious'. I don't think she is being selfish, as such (or am I making excuses for her?) - she is recovering from carer breakdown and to a certain extent its self -preservation.

I've had a far harder time coping with her breakdown than his diagnosis, deterioration and move into care.

I have discovered that the mum I thought I knew does not exist - she is not the person I thought she was. At all. This has been hard to accept ... its taken quite a while for me to come to terms with this. I actually don't like her very much (apologies to anyone who finds that offensive - I think many of you will know where I'm coming from). Everything is about appearances - not truth. She is judgemental, opinionated and manipulative.

From my point of view dad still 'contains' the dad that once was - even if he is hidden. It's important to me that I visit him - because (as someone on here very wisely said) I know who HE is, even though he may not (always) know who I am. I can't tell if he knows me if I'm perfectly honest because he can no longer speak and is totally expressionless most of the time. When we visit I find I am doing the lions share of the chatting/helping - I like to hold his hand and have a cuddle if I'm lucky. I help him with the newspaper (even if it is upside down) and help him drink his tea without dripping. I show him photos of the family on my phone and sometimes I take in my laptop and do him a little slideshow. Mum sits across the room and observes, occasionally talking to him but not very often. If he ever attempts to speak (his voice is little more than a whisper, and apart from 'Yes' and 'No', unintelligible) she will look at me, and sigh and say 'what did he say?'

The next step I have to cope with on the dementia journey is what I feel is going to happen (but of course I may be totally wrong) - that if dad fails to recognise mum, or realise she is there - she will stop going to see him. She has said more than once when we had to go on a different day than usual 'he won't know/realise' or 'it doesn't matter'.

Has anyone else come across this? I will still go and visit my dad, regardless - he's MY dad, whoever he might have become. Obviously it's her choice - totally, I would never force her to go. I'd hate her to regret not seeing him but her life seems to be full of secrets and things hidden that he'll just be one more 'thing' to be shoved under the carpet.

That was a bit gloomy! Sorry!

 

[loveahug]

oh your post is so sad and I am sad for you. Unfortunately, kingmidas, your mum and dad's generation are all about carrying on regardless, sticking together, and keeping everything to themselves. It's hard to judge because the past is a different country. I think you're right in that your mum is still trying to come to terms with losing her husband, she is probably very depressed and I agree some of the selfishness is probably self preservation. You are his daughter and still see him as your dad, your mum is seeing a stranger, she was secure in their relationship, she no longer has that security, her world has fallen apart. You have every right to be bewildered about all of this and she probably wouldn't want your forgiveness, but just your wonderful forbearance that you have displayed all the way along this road.

Much love and HUGS x

 

[Jeanie 73]

I don't think its gloomy as such just honest and probably not easy to write, as writing something, putting it down on paper makes it real!

If I were you I would just ask your mum if she actually wants to go and see your dad, her husband and if she says no don't be surprised! You have enough to deal with, let her deal with the situation in her own probably selfish way to us but its her way!

We cannot change other people just concentrate on seeing and being with your dad ,non of us actually know how much he and other sufferers actually know or understand, maybe more than any of us know or think!

Have a hug Jeanie xx

 

[Noorza]

Sadly this horrible disease does expose family members worst traits and those who still care despite the old person becoming increasing more removed from their real selves find themselves disappointed and sometimes disgusted with how other family members behave.

We can't change them or worry for them, we can only make sure that when the times comes we can have no regrets, we can look at ourselves and know we did the right thing.

But it bliddy well hurts.

 

[Jessbow]

My (now late) father used to get quite cross with mum, he really didn't understand what it was like to be her. He just quite simply couldn't comprehend how she couldn't respond to him.

It was torture for us to observe- almost 60 years married and seemily so far apart and yet clearly still loving each other

Maybe your mum simply cant grasp where he is, and if she does, maybe she is grieving for the man she had , that she can still see but now so different.

I don't think you can push her back towards him.
Imagine what it would be like to change your husband/ partner into someone that really doesn't respond to you, cat hold a conversation nor even live within the same walls.

it must be so hard, grieving for the husband that is still there...and yet not.

Don't know what the answers are really.

xx

 

[Fed Up]

Life is hard caring for someone and the stress involved changes perspective, I know its hard from experience and think we go through stages in order to protect ourselves. So do try not to be hard on your mum she is of the generation who like my dad kept my mums mental health issues cleverly hidden.

As a child I knew but the the fact was at that time these things simply were not talked about. Now its a different world thank goodness and openness has meant that a greater understanding is prevalent in society and we understand so much more.

I feel for your mum its so hard and for you too. Please do not think badly of mum coping is exhausting as you know and try to look at your dad as you do with a lot of love, but hold mum close too.

 

[grobertson62]

My mum wasnt alive to see dad suffer through dementia
But i know some family and friends couldnt stand to see him..it isnt dad theyd say
How wrong they were.. It was dad...he was still here not the same but different. I still loved him. Loved the changed dad whilst missing the old one
I can see how this must be tough for your mum and you
Im sorry i dont have pearls of wisdom to impart. Just know you are not alone the feelings are not un common
Gill