They say it comes in 3's

benny

Registered User
Dec 7, 2009
290
Central Coast NSW
Hi all. Its been ages since I have posted but I am feeling overwhelmed having just been told last Friday that my dad has AD and now yesterday got the news that my MIL has been confirmed with VD. My dear old mum has been put into a CH, with mixed Dementia final stages, last October and it has been an absolute nightmare with my dad all that time, everyday I get a phone call from The DON to ask if I can talk to my dad about his behaviour to the point, on the advise and support of the DON (Director Of Nursing), to take it to the Guardianship Tribunal, which I did back in April, to have all care and decisions taken away from him.
From October till February, the DON had received 10 x A4 double sided pages of incident reports ranging from abusing staff and residents, to re arranging the furniture to his liking, not allowing my mum to be involved with any activities, to interfering with her meds and not allowing her to eat certain things on her plate because she started putting on weight and "getting fat", mind you she weighed 57 kilo's when she went to the CH!! This caused him and I to become estranged till about 2 weeks ago when his mental health support worker has worked really hard to get him to understand that he is not helping things, but also has convinced him to get help, which has led to his diagnosis. I am so very grateful to her!

The worst is yet to come when he gets told about his results tomorrow and then they will take his license which is all he has left and has held on like crazy to keep it. I'm afraid my brother and I have already discussed taking his car through the night because all involved are afraid he will drive regardless!!
He is so stubborn and determined that we are waiting to hear what is going to happen from the police and the health services after he shoved a resident in the cottage that mum is in and they had to report it. So he has gone from limited visits to now having to be supervised by myself or my brother who doesn't help much, but I have told my brother he has to help me as I am going to Italy and Europe at the end of the month but cant even get excited about it and on Friday I got to the point of ringing the insurance to ask how I go about cancelling the trip. I just don't want to go and am having big anxiety turns about it.
My poor old MIL has to go into respite next week as my FIL is going in for a knee replacement and she cant be left alone due to her declining condition but also is having repeated diabetic comas. And back in March we also had to put her in for Respite while FIL had a back Operation and she clung to me and she cried and pleaded with me not to take her so not looking forward to next week at all.
Sorry for such a long post just needed to vent today !!
 

Jaycee23

Registered User
Jan 6, 2011
384
uk
Oh what a lot you have had on your plate. You sometimes feel that it is never going to end! I really do hope that when you go away it will help you re-charge your batteries as when we are under lots of stress we can end up needing help too. There are professionals there who need to help with your situation and sometime it is taken out of our hands. I have had enormous problems with my siblings accepting my mum's diagnosis and when she was treating my dad in a similar way your dad was towards your mum, it was the illness. My dad was dying with cancer (we did not know at the time) and complaining about pains etc and my mum was not able to help him and was denying him food and drink etc. This dementia is worse than cancer! Keep venting as it helps.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,702
Kent
Hello benny

You cannot be held responsible for your dad`s behaviour . You should not be troubled to this extent. Perhaps you might let the professionals know they must deal with him as they see fit.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,142
68
Dundee
Oh Benny what a lot you have on your plate. I totally agree with Sylvia.

I do hope you don't cancel your trip. I think you need to get away from tv all for a while and let others sort things out.

Take care. xx
 

Butter

Registered User
Jan 19, 2012
6,738
NeverNeverLand
Yes - I agree with the others: your break in Italy is very important. If we do not look after ourselves, we cannot look after other people. But sometimes it is hard to see that when we are in the thick of our responsibilities.
 

benny

Registered User
Dec 7, 2009
290
Central Coast NSW
W
ell they now have to do as the guardianship tells them and they now have more power to follow through on things but now he has to have supervised visits I now have to commit 4 hours everyday to take him to visit mum and I don't have the heart to say no, not just for his sake but for my mums. Last Friday I went to get him at 4 after I finished work to visit and my mum was walking around her room sobbing and then she fell into his arms and they were both sobbing because she has been so used to him being there from 9.30am till 8pm. I don't know whether I can keep this up and watch this happen everyday!
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
Sidcup
Benny

You HAVE to look after yourself! Please please do as you will end up having a nervous breakdown. How can you spend 4 hours with your Dad and Mum after a days work when it I so emotionally draining??? When do you eat, when to charge YOUR batteries etc etc. What about YOUR family? Do you spend time with them?

Nothing you do will be good enough because what they want is never going to happen ie good health and being together again. I no I sound hard but that is the basic truth

Go to Europe and enjoy. Turn your mobile off and maybe just listen to your voicemail at the end of the day (or get another mobile so that you can get phone calls from those whom you want to), leave things with your brother
 

benny

Registered User
Dec 7, 2009
290
Central Coast NSW
My husband told me he will drag me to the airport and after this afternoons visit I know I need to go! My father complained from the time he got in the car (2pm) when I picked him up until I actually walked out of mums room at 5.20 pm( mind you I wasn't supposed to leave him alone in there but I had to take a breath and gain some patience back) and told him that if he cant and doesn't want to eat the meal they so kindly prepare for him so he can eat with my mum that he should make other arrangements for his meal. That's another story in itself as he has ruined the stove.

I have gone to the extreme tonight and asked my niece if she can pitch in 1 or 2 days to take him, can hear my ears burning right now, otherwise he and I will become estranged again and that just cant happen he has no one else to do all that I do for him as they all work full time. Was a difficult silent trip home tonight and i'm off to have a drink or 10 LOL! thanks for the advise ladies