well I did post a bit of a rant here the other day
but on reflection it wasnt really going anywhere other than me being generally fed up and wanting to scream at someone. So later on I was going to remove it but seems you cant .... so I edited it instead and just left the thank you x
have my good and bad days as indeed we all must.
must try and remember that life isnt fair sometimes and look for that special way of keeping my self sane (well reasonably sane.....I still want to execute most of the people I work with)
Ted, I've had a really bad day today, myself - have a low-grade virus and a huge mouth ulcer, been trying to work on a presentation but my career now seems a thing of the past and I can't bear to even remember the person I really am. I've wondered if I'll ever be 'me' again.
But then, tonight I arranged to meet my 'sister' at my mum's house (I've been told I mustn't see her alone, for my own safety) and we took her out for a meal, and it was truly brilliant.
She was alert, if repetitive, insisted on getting dressed up (something she hasn't done for over a year) and was wonderfully happy with a social occasion, even though she's only left the house once before in the last six months.
We went to the local pub, she troughed more food than either of us, I talked to her about the past, about my dad and her childhood (my memory is legendary, and it was good to use it for her benefit and see it spark up her own faltering memory) and I reminded her about the wonderful places she's been to and the jaunts I've treated her to (one Boxing Day after my dad died, when I was earning Monopoly money, I got us a chaffeur-driven car, from the Midlands to London where we had lunch at the Savoy River Room, then went to Covent Garden for the matinee performance of Nutcracker, then for tea at the Ritz, then home with the chauffeur! She was in her element). We sang a few old songs tonight, and shared some remembered poetry, and I've come home feeling more easy.
I know that her improvement over the last few days can't last, but while it does, and she's fairly lucid, and really enjoying herself, it's good to make the most of it. Her psychosis wasn't in evidence at all.
It was a great evening.
These moments compensate in part for my loss of personal identity.
I hope that tomorrow you, too, can find something to celebrate in the midst of your very clear and very understandable depression.
All the very best
Thank you, your reply has a very familiar ring to it, I am very frustrated that my career has also taken a big back seat as has my social skills such that there are days (esp monday for obvious reasons) that I feel so alone, unloved, and unwanted which is why I need regular 'pick me up' sessions either with a counsellor or more often than not with a good friend who understands me and doesnt seem to mind me pouring out my troubles. At least we share that so it's not always me leaning on her, it's sometimes the other way round too. I am personally struggling with what lies ahead, for both mum and dad, and find the thought hard to cope with sometimes. I love them both dearly and that is what stops me from wanting to take my own life, yes sorry but it has come to that on two occasions neither of which I went through with. i cant really describe what sets me off, except that when I am home or outdoors I am fine. once I am in the office it's like a dark cloud coming down. I dont just mean the day to day grind that goes with having a dull job that i could do in my sleep ... i too used to be a mover and shaker, was one of the most sort after people in my field (not blowing my own trumpet, its just a fact) headhunted for jobs in europe have worked for many of the leading financial houses. Now I work for a two bob software company with a bunch of idiots who if they had to do real work would struggle. I am still expecting standards that I had in the past to apply here so maybe I should lower my expectations a bit (well a lot really) also I cant get it out of my head either, that some are just blatently not pulling their weight and yet the managment do zip about it. they've just rewarded the bosses PA with a recognition of her hard work.....ha.....she spends most of the day having people chat her up or has 3 hour lunches but her position means that you have to be nice to her or you dont get your timesheet / expenses signed off - hence she is ' the best ' pah. I could slag off many more but wont, I havent got the time to, no this problem is solved best by me leaving I think. Which wont be easy, it's either that or trying to by a gun and executing the lot of them, which could be fun in a sort of "mad man goes on rampage" Daily Mirror front page headline thing.
well time for a bit more coffee
thanks for letting us ramble on a bit today
bj - Hope the ulcer improves for you
Your day out sounded like fun, I am looking at arranging a few days holiday with mum n dad either to jersey or down to the Eden project in cornwall. At the moment though I just hope the dentist has been kind to them. Will check back here later in the week and wish you all a wonderful and happy few days
yes Mondays have a habit of being like that don't they. Perhaps you need to accept the fact that you have every reason to be feeling battered and bruised? 10 minutes reading the posts on this site would make any reasoned human being realise what this awful disease does to the carers as well as the patients. Maybe if we could see an end to it then it would be easier to hold it all together but we're not even allowed that.
So we're left with "tomorrow is another day" to keep us going and that can be particularly difficult if as a career person you have always worked to a vision and a plan. Please try to shorten you outlook as otherwise you'll just keep getting eaten up. At the moment I'm down to what I can foresee and plan in the next 2 hours - not even a day now! But it's less painful that way.
And "come the revolution" I can give you a few more names to line up against that wall....
Dear Ted, so sorry things are heavy right now for you. It is good to get it off your chest a bit, don't feel you are alone in feeling your parents and helping them cope with this illness has taken over your own life, it is a common link with us all. It is all encompassing the way it just swallows you up isn't it? I am glad you have a good friend in whom you can confide, as friends often seem to fade when all we talk about is dementia and the problems it causes I found. But as well as that, you have all of us here on TP, you are not alone, take some time out for yourself. Don't let this be all there is, do some special things just for you, that's what I did and it did help. Thinking of you, and Daisy moo of course!! Sending you a big hug, love She. XX
sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time.
It's bad enough for us retired old fools but I can imagine how frustrated you must feel job wise.
Rant whenever you wish,when you are rock bottom, there is only one way,up.
all the best
Thank you all , Norman, Sheila and Kriss, but everyone else here just for listening.
Today hasnt been so bad (thursday) so one out of 7 this week is an improvement.
I went out and visited the local Urban Farm at lunchtime (yes they do have cows, and yes I did Moo back at them) it was exceptionally wonderful to do something different however it will be hard to find something to do each day.
Sheila is spot on - doing things that are special for you - and I have been making plans on this level for a while for this year. It's still very hard to look past the next few hours but I have got some excellent advice from you all (esp bjthink) thanks for the PM it is a massive help.
I will see both Mum and Dad later tonight. The coming weeks I will be away working in Newcastle which on one level will be nice to get out of the office and the bad feelings I have there, on the other hand I will be away from being able to help the family, but I'm sure they will manage without me. While up there I hope to see a couple of old work colleagues who now live in Gateshead, so I wont necessarily be spending the time on my own as is often the case...
well must get back to looking busy.
thanks again, I'll probably update you with any news / rants / tales from the farm.
best wishes and if I can leave you with one piece of advice
"never put a sock in a toaster"
on another thread I mentioned about my Mum going to the Dentist
glad to say that she has been and had her nagging tooth out, no problems at all and has had a lovely week as has Dad. Appears I was worried over nothing, but that is me all over at the moment.
Got into work today and by 8.30 they have made 7 people redundent, no notice, or announcement so dont know how to feel. those that have gone have left the building, I feel for some of them as they were ok people (despite my earlier comments that I would have shot the lot of them)
So a funny weekend ahead for me
On top of this and a totally unrelated matter to either mum or dad or me, a good friend of mine called last night, she has just left her husband of 5 years and needed someone to talk too. Suffice to say we spent about 3 hours on the phone last night and I will see her next week assuming I am not in Newcastle. Was pleased to be able to help (i think) and was more pleased that she was happy enough to confide in me .... we have both agreed to share a moan and a nag with one another soon, I think that is fair.
Anyway, you all have an excellent weekend
but mum some flowers, or your dad a pair of socks
and whatever else happens, tell them you love them....