The waiting game has begun..
- Thread starter Isabella41
- Start date
The meeting - some good news
Hi everyone
As always thank you for your messages of support. Mum was her usual fiesty self at the meeting which took place in her flat. Every suggestion made to her with regards to offering her day care, extra support etc was refused with "I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone". She said she would onyl be happy when she gets xxxx (back down south). She was told that this was not a realistic option for now. The SW wanted to be blunt and tell her no way never but the care manager had decided it wasn't fair to remove all hope!!!! Jeez what can I say. Mum told them her sister has withdrew her offer of paying for the move as she couldn't afford it. She then looked directly at me and with no attempt to conceal her anger spat " I know who made her change her mind". No one said anything.
It was agreed that the warden will witness me giving mum any cash. Mum was not happy with this but tough its the way it has to be. Mum had told my aunt that we had gone on holiday last week on her money so she is still adamnant we're spending her cash. Going forward she can now accuse to her heart's content but I am protected against formal accusations of theft.
Mum had told my aunt she was going to kill herself by drinking a large quantity of whiskey. My aunt was very upset. I know mum was only threatening to try to get my aunt to change her mind on the move but it was good fuel to prove to the sw how unstable she is so I reported it. They took it seriously and now the GP is being sent out her on an urgent home visit.
The care assistant's manager has been spoken to about proper dispensing of her tablets. I think they're more scared now that they know much has threatened self harm.
All in all it was a reasonable meeting. They have worked out that mum is very manipulative as when they cross match stories there is always a grain of truth but the story is twisted to suit her own ends.
I went back out and got her shopping and cash and said I'd be back to take her for lunch on Saturday.
Isabella
Hi everyone
As always thank you for your messages of support. Mum was her usual fiesty self at the meeting which took place in her flat. Every suggestion made to her with regards to offering her day care, extra support etc was refused with "I'm fine on my own, I don't need anyone". She said she would onyl be happy when she gets xxxx (back down south). She was told that this was not a realistic option for now. The SW wanted to be blunt and tell her no way never but the care manager had decided it wasn't fair to remove all hope!!!! Jeez what can I say. Mum told them her sister has withdrew her offer of paying for the move as she couldn't afford it. She then looked directly at me and with no attempt to conceal her anger spat " I know who made her change her mind". No one said anything.
It was agreed that the warden will witness me giving mum any cash. Mum was not happy with this but tough its the way it has to be. Mum had told my aunt that we had gone on holiday last week on her money so she is still adamnant we're spending her cash. Going forward she can now accuse to her heart's content but I am protected against formal accusations of theft.
Mum had told my aunt she was going to kill herself by drinking a large quantity of whiskey. My aunt was very upset. I know mum was only threatening to try to get my aunt to change her mind on the move but it was good fuel to prove to the sw how unstable she is so I reported it. They took it seriously and now the GP is being sent out her on an urgent home visit.
The care assistant's manager has been spoken to about proper dispensing of her tablets. I think they're more scared now that they know much has threatened self harm.
All in all it was a reasonable meeting. They have worked out that mum is very manipulative as when they cross match stories there is always a grain of truth but the story is twisted to suit her own ends.
I went back out and got her shopping and cash and said I'd be back to take her for lunch on Saturday.
Isabella
That sounds like a good meeting, Isabella. It's good to have the cash arrangement with the warden and the meds dispensing on record.
I don't think I'd like to be the GP on the home visit - or will she be as meek as a lamb in front of him/her?
I don't think I'd like to be the GP on the home visit - or will she be as meek as a lamb in front of him/her?
Hmm - a step in the right direction for you, Isabella and certainly the GP's intervention will hopefully trigger some action especially where the alcohol issue is concerned (there was an item on the radio recently highlighting the problem of alcohol abuse amongst the elderly) This in turn may produce further referrals to psychiatric help to assess the risk that she is posing to herself by living alone largely unsupervised.
No doubt things will continue to move in the right direction and hopefully you can again step back and let the professionals deal with this difficult and explosive situation which is not good for your own health!
Hang on in there - you have done so well up to know against the odds.
No doubt things will continue to move in the right direction and hopefully you can again step back and let the professionals deal with this difficult and explosive situation which is not good for your own health!
Hang on in there - you have done so well up to know against the odds.
Was thinking about you today - so glad you had a positive meeting. It is a real step forward that others have seen the manipulative behaviour, so they will check with each other and be aware of what you are facing. Good that the warden will act as a witness to the money.
Do hope you are feeling a bit better, as least your Mother is as safe as she can be in the community with everyone aware what she can be like. I guess as long as she thinks she can upset you she will keep on about moving.
Look after yourself
Do hope you are feeling a bit better, as least your Mother is as safe as she can be in the community with everyone aware what she can be like. I guess as long as she thinks she can upset you she will keep on about moving.
Look after yourself
That sounds like a step in the right direction. It's probably never going to be perfect, lets be honest, it's never perfect for anyone, and things have been far from perfect with you and your relationship with her for a very long time by the sounds.
But you've come such a long way since this thread was started when you were a slave to her every whim and demand. She treated you like a slave. She had no right to do that. You've taken back the control over you. So this may be how it is for a while. She may be blaming you for everything, but you expected that. It seems as though the powers that be understand that she is controlling, manipulative and irrational. It seems as though nobody (except your daughters) think that you are trying to do anything than what is best for her in a very difficult situation.
Do you feel better at having stepped back and taking the control of your life back? Is the stress less than it was a few months ago? Of course it's always going to be stressful for anyone dealing with this disease, not to mention other family issues arising because of it. I'm pretty sure it happens in every family faced with alzheimer's. There are people who don't agree, but aren't prepared to be of much daily practical help. And people that are prepared to do the grunt work, and try their very best to do what they can to help, but only get criticised for it.
But you've come such a long way since this thread was started when you were a slave to her every whim and demand. She treated you like a slave. She had no right to do that. You've taken back the control over you. So this may be how it is for a while. She may be blaming you for everything, but you expected that. It seems as though the powers that be understand that she is controlling, manipulative and irrational. It seems as though nobody (except your daughters) think that you are trying to do anything than what is best for her in a very difficult situation.
Do you feel better at having stepped back and taking the control of your life back? Is the stress less than it was a few months ago? Of course it's always going to be stressful for anyone dealing with this disease, not to mention other family issues arising because of it. I'm pretty sure it happens in every family faced with alzheimer's. There are people who don't agree, but aren't prepared to be of much daily practical help. And people that are prepared to do the grunt work, and try their very best to do what they can to help, but only get criticised for it.
That's summed it up very well, zeeeb.
At the end of the day, Isabella, you have done - and have been seen to have done - your very best. But it's not illegal to drink whiskey or even to drink too much whiskey, so whilst you can try and control the supply, if your mum decides that's what she wants to do and the authorities aren't prepared to stop her, then it's out of your hands.
At the end of the day, Isabella, you have done - and have been seen to have done - your very best. But it's not illegal to drink whiskey or even to drink too much whiskey, so whilst you can try and control the supply, if your mum decides that's what she wants to do and the authorities aren't prepared to stop her, then it's out of your hands.
Hi Isabella
You have been on my mind most of the day wondering how your meeting went.
I appears to have been productive . You have moved on in leaps and bounds over the last few weeks and although things are not prefect by any means a clearer picture is emerging.
Reading between the lines of your post I would say the SW is now aware of what you have had to put up with, and your mothers antics.
I am afraid if she had accused me of using her money to go on holiday (lets face it you had days out and not a full blown holiday), I would have had to say 'well if I were using your money I would have been away for two weeks and not a couple of days mother'!!
You are now on the right path albeit with some twists and turns and long may it continue
Best Wishes
You have been on my mind most of the day wondering how your meeting went.
I appears to have been productive . You have moved on in leaps and bounds over the last few weeks and although things are not prefect by any means a clearer picture is emerging.
Reading between the lines of your post I would say the SW is now aware of what you have had to put up with, and your mothers antics.
I am afraid if she had accused me of using her money to go on holiday (lets face it you had days out and not a full blown holiday), I would have had to say 'well if I were using your money I would have been away for two weeks and not a couple of days mother'!!
You are now on the right path albeit with some twists and turns and long may it continue
Best Wishes
Yes Zeeeb I sure have come along way. I looked back over my first posts some months ago and I don't recognise myself. I now realise my mother treated me the way she did because I allowed her to. I followed daddy's pattern in going along with whatever she wanted for an easy life. My daughters witnessed my mum showing me no respect so I guess they learnt it was ok to take this path too. I feel an awful lot better on an emotional level now that I've stepped back. Mum was ranting away today and I didn't bite back. I calmly stated that I made it very clearly known what I was prepared to do for her should she move back out into the community and that is exactly what I've done. I choose the number of phone calls I answer and i've lost the guilt of 'what if' if i don't answer the phone.
I am very relieved the warden is witnessing the money. I was quite prepared to hand it all over to the court of care and protection if she refused to do this.
Interestingly at the meeting the issue of collecting mum's incontinence pads was raised. Apparently they can be picked up on Tuesdays and Fridays between 10-12. I said that was fine and who was picking them up. The sw said mum had the max package so there was no more funds for this. I said fine she wouldn't be getting them. The care manager piped up and said oh we can manage another 1/2 hour. Its amazing what you can get out of social services if you stick to your guns. If only i'd realised how to fight this battle in January things would have been so much easier for me. I kmow I can't generalise but in mum's case it seems to be they pushed me as far as they thought they could to see how much they could get me to do. Once I backed off and stayed there they were forced to step in. There are so many others on here who are currently in this suitation and for various reasons feel they can't take the step. I strongly advise you to. You will see how quick they act.
Isabella
Good to see this evenings post so much more relaxed - it can only benefit you in the long run. Keep up what you are doing (or not doing as the case may be ) as it is working and you seem to be getting the recognition you deserve from 'the establishment'
) as it is working and you seem to be getting the recognition you deserve from 'the establishment' 
