But, dear friends, before you jump to conclusions, it’s me I’m talking about!
They do say love is blind and, from my point of view, that’s a colossal understatement if my past actions – or lack of them – are anything to go by!
Recently I discovered some correspondence between my partner, ‘Marquita’, and I, from our very first few weeks together. Reading them through, then re-reading them, I can see how very blind I was to have missed the early signs of Marquita being far from stable.
Just to recap a bit (before I share those letters with you), we first met on Tuesday, 28 August, 2012, when I ended up by inviting her to have morning coffee (tea, as it happened!) with me. I have included an account of that in an earlier thread, so I shall not bore you by repeating it here.
Over the days that followed, it was pretty obvious we were ‘attracted’ to one another, although I think I was, perhaps, sprinting ahead!!
On Sunday, 9 September, 2012, Marquita handed me this letter:
“Dearest Boy Albie [used in place of my name]
“You have been so supportive, kind and generous to me over the past few days. I have been truly lucky to have met you. You have a kind heart and a gentle manner about you. We have discussed many topics and share many things in common, and you are truly a lovely man.
“In saying all the above I owe it to you to be completely honest about how I feel too. Since the death of my two youngest sons, L**n and D***d, I have not been able to form an intimate relationship. And unfortunately I still feel empty, hollow, inside and the pain of loss never leaves me! I miss my sons so much every day of my life. So I welcome death with open arms.
“In being estranged from my eldest son, J***s, I probably will remain so until my death.
“My feelings for you are of a platonic closeness, and you have been such a good friend, a kind and generous man, without judgement, but I cannot hurt you, or be to you something I am not! I cannot love you in the way that you, a man, would need to be loved.
“I can only offer you a platonic relationship and I would understand completely if you decided to walk away from me.
“Please respect my right of knowing my own mind/self.
“Marquita [used in place of her name]”
Of course, because of my blindness to love – and completely disregarding the morbid feelings she had, hidden from my eyes in her letter – I found myself wishing to continue with the ‘one-sided (then!) relationship. Perhaps I thought I could make her happy and give her a better life? I just don’t know, but I think it was something like that.
On Saturday, 23 September, 2012, Marquita invited me back to her home for a ‘cooked tea’. Be there at five! she told me. So I did, but she was not there!
I kept going back, every ten minutes or so (as she only lives a stone’s throw away from me!), but still there was no-one at home. Then I began to phone her on my mobile. No reply!
Eventually, she answered her mobile at about 8:30pm. She had totally forgotten about cooking tea and, that day, had caught a bus to Norwich then, seeing another bus to Sheringham, in North Norfolk, had gone there for the day!
When she returned, and we made contact, she was so upset. She rushed round to mine; I rushed round to hers; and we met halfway in one of those movie-type clinches in slow motion! That was when her feelings towards me changed completely. Gone were the platonic feelings; suddenly, love had taken over.
However, some time later I noticed a calendar with a comment scrawled across that date – 23 September – which read: NO MORE A****Y G**Y (my actual name!).
What did she mean by that, I wondered, but never dared to ask.
The following day – Sunday, 24 September, 2012, we had a lovely day together. I was appearing on stage in a Norfolk dialect show at East Runton, near Cromer. Marquita came as well and thoroughly enjoyed herself.
On Monday morning, 25 September, 2013, I went to see her and knocked on her door. Eventually she came and let me in, but was in a foul mood! I thought I’d said, or done, something to upset her and, later in the day put a little note of apology through her door as she was not in.
The following day, I discovered my note – complete with her comments – pushed back through my door!
The following is a copy of what I wrote and her comments [in bold type], paragraph by paragraph!
“Dear Marquita
“What have I done wrong? You were so off with me this morning and hardly gave me the time of day. It upset me greatly and was not like you. Please let me know if I have done something to upset you.”
“You knew that I was going to my bank to try and sort out the bogus/con house insurance and rip off, and cancel it!”
“Last week you actually asked me to accompany you today to the bank and building society, and I was more than happy to go with you.”
“What? On your bike!”
“We had such a lovely time together on Sunday at Sheringham and afterwards at East Runton, and we were so happy. All my friends thought you were lovely and seemed so at ease in each other’s company. But, today, it seemed you just didn’t want to know me, which has left me so terribly confused – and I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted to do that.”
“You knew that I had to sort out the bank problem out!
“It’s not always about you, Boy Albie! Compared to my life, you live such a charmed life.
“You knew that the H*****x Bank has tried to rip me off. I had to deal with it this morning, as you know!
“I also needed to go on the Internet at the Forum to obtain the Financial Banking Ombudsman’s address and make an official complaint concerning the H*****x Bank."
“I do appreciate you have much on your mind, but I felt very hurt this morning when you told me I had distracted you from other things which I can only say ‘sorry’!”
“Please don’t be too angry with me.”
“Boy Albie”
“Do you really think that I need these problems? Or want them? I have to sort them out again and again and again.
“Do you think that I like doing this? You also knew I was going into the city to address these problems.
“LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU BOY ALBIE!”
So, as you can see from those two letters, things even then were pretty unsettled in her mind, weren’t they? Sadly, I failed to notice, and tended to blame myself. But she seemed to blame me as well, of course.
Dear Readers, what do you think of all this? I was pretty ‘dim’ wasn’t I? Talk about blinded by love….!
The only trouble is I cannot turn off the light of love... and I would still do anything for her if she ever wants anything to do with me again.
They do say love is blind and, from my point of view, that’s a colossal understatement if my past actions – or lack of them – are anything to go by!
Recently I discovered some correspondence between my partner, ‘Marquita’, and I, from our very first few weeks together. Reading them through, then re-reading them, I can see how very blind I was to have missed the early signs of Marquita being far from stable.
Just to recap a bit (before I share those letters with you), we first met on Tuesday, 28 August, 2012, when I ended up by inviting her to have morning coffee (tea, as it happened!) with me. I have included an account of that in an earlier thread, so I shall not bore you by repeating it here.
Over the days that followed, it was pretty obvious we were ‘attracted’ to one another, although I think I was, perhaps, sprinting ahead!!
On Sunday, 9 September, 2012, Marquita handed me this letter:
“Dearest Boy Albie [used in place of my name]
“You have been so supportive, kind and generous to me over the past few days. I have been truly lucky to have met you. You have a kind heart and a gentle manner about you. We have discussed many topics and share many things in common, and you are truly a lovely man.
“In saying all the above I owe it to you to be completely honest about how I feel too. Since the death of my two youngest sons, L**n and D***d, I have not been able to form an intimate relationship. And unfortunately I still feel empty, hollow, inside and the pain of loss never leaves me! I miss my sons so much every day of my life. So I welcome death with open arms.
“In being estranged from my eldest son, J***s, I probably will remain so until my death.
“My feelings for you are of a platonic closeness, and you have been such a good friend, a kind and generous man, without judgement, but I cannot hurt you, or be to you something I am not! I cannot love you in the way that you, a man, would need to be loved.
“I can only offer you a platonic relationship and I would understand completely if you decided to walk away from me.
“Please respect my right of knowing my own mind/self.
“Marquita [used in place of her name]”
Of course, because of my blindness to love – and completely disregarding the morbid feelings she had, hidden from my eyes in her letter – I found myself wishing to continue with the ‘one-sided (then!) relationship. Perhaps I thought I could make her happy and give her a better life? I just don’t know, but I think it was something like that.
On Saturday, 23 September, 2012, Marquita invited me back to her home for a ‘cooked tea’. Be there at five! she told me. So I did, but she was not there!
I kept going back, every ten minutes or so (as she only lives a stone’s throw away from me!), but still there was no-one at home. Then I began to phone her on my mobile. No reply!
Eventually, she answered her mobile at about 8:30pm. She had totally forgotten about cooking tea and, that day, had caught a bus to Norwich then, seeing another bus to Sheringham, in North Norfolk, had gone there for the day!
When she returned, and we made contact, she was so upset. She rushed round to mine; I rushed round to hers; and we met halfway in one of those movie-type clinches in slow motion! That was when her feelings towards me changed completely. Gone were the platonic feelings; suddenly, love had taken over.
However, some time later I noticed a calendar with a comment scrawled across that date – 23 September – which read: NO MORE A****Y G**Y (my actual name!).
What did she mean by that, I wondered, but never dared to ask.
The following day – Sunday, 24 September, 2012, we had a lovely day together. I was appearing on stage in a Norfolk dialect show at East Runton, near Cromer. Marquita came as well and thoroughly enjoyed herself.
On Monday morning, 25 September, 2013, I went to see her and knocked on her door. Eventually she came and let me in, but was in a foul mood! I thought I’d said, or done, something to upset her and, later in the day put a little note of apology through her door as she was not in.
The following day, I discovered my note – complete with her comments – pushed back through my door!
The following is a copy of what I wrote and her comments [in bold type], paragraph by paragraph!
“Dear Marquita
“What have I done wrong? You were so off with me this morning and hardly gave me the time of day. It upset me greatly and was not like you. Please let me know if I have done something to upset you.”
“You knew that I was going to my bank to try and sort out the bogus/con house insurance and rip off, and cancel it!”
“Last week you actually asked me to accompany you today to the bank and building society, and I was more than happy to go with you.”
“What? On your bike!”
“We had such a lovely time together on Sunday at Sheringham and afterwards at East Runton, and we were so happy. All my friends thought you were lovely and seemed so at ease in each other’s company. But, today, it seemed you just didn’t want to know me, which has left me so terribly confused – and I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted to do that.”
“You knew that I had to sort out the bank problem out!
“It’s not always about you, Boy Albie! Compared to my life, you live such a charmed life.
“You knew that the H*****x Bank has tried to rip me off. I had to deal with it this morning, as you know!
“I also needed to go on the Internet at the Forum to obtain the Financial Banking Ombudsman’s address and make an official complaint concerning the H*****x Bank."
“I do appreciate you have much on your mind, but I felt very hurt this morning when you told me I had distracted you from other things which I can only say ‘sorry’!”
“Please don’t be too angry with me.”
“Boy Albie”
“Do you really think that I need these problems? Or want them? I have to sort them out again and again and again.
“Do you think that I like doing this? You also knew I was going into the city to address these problems.
“LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU BOY ALBIE!”
So, as you can see from those two letters, things even then were pretty unsettled in her mind, weren’t they? Sadly, I failed to notice, and tended to blame myself. But she seemed to blame me as well, of course.
Dear Readers, what do you think of all this? I was pretty ‘dim’ wasn’t I? Talk about blinded by love….!
The only trouble is I cannot turn off the light of love... and I would still do anything for her if she ever wants anything to do with me again.
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