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The hardest words to say

Scotlassie

New member
Apr 29, 2021
4
0
The hardest words to say are “I cannot cope anymore”. Tomorrow my OH will go into a care home as finally I have said those words. This is my first post although I have often reviewed the chat and threads they have helped over the last few years. My OH is very fit and well physically and I feel I am depriving him of his liberty. But he is not safe if left alone although he disputes this. The guilt is immense, but I am no longer a wife our relationship Is so diminished. My children are supportive but oh this is so difficult. I have already supported my mum who had dem3ntia and died in 2016 I have found itmuch more difficult with my Oh. Probably because of 5he previous knowledge an£ experience. Over the last 18 months it has been so difficult I may have coped longer with respite but there was no help unless “-we were in crisis”. With mum we had an excellent admiral nurse but no one like that with OH. All you other carers out there look after yourselves you are important too.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
73,184
0
Kent
There`s little I can say to make it easier for you @Scotlassie other than for you to know you are in good company.

I agree with what you say about it being so much more difficult to face with an OH than with a parent although some may disagree.

You are in shock for now but allow yourself some rest.

You are joining a group of people who really do understand how it is and I hope you will feel supported
 

IreneMary

New member
Dec 7, 2020
5
0
Scotslassie - I do feel for you. My OH is in the early stages of Alzheimers although I think it has been going on for quite a long time - Covid hasnt helped as it delayed actual diagnosis by over a year! Anyway he is totally unacccepting of anything being different or wrong and keeps asking for examples and yet - he cant sort the recycling anymore, he cant make more than one cup of tea, he cant watch a TV programme or read a book - the list goes on and on - but he strongly denies any problem.
I hate it all - really hate it! Sorry! I too nursed my Mum with Dementia for 5 years but she was much more placid and in the end unknowing of who we were were or what was going on.
I no longer have a husband just someone to look after - but I also no longer have a life!
I dont know whether the day will come when I have to decide whether OH goes into residential care or not and I dont know how I will feel if I do but I do think that you should know that you have absolutely done your best and if you need help now then that is absolutely fine!!! No-one can judge you - not your children, not friends not experts - we are individuals and we can do what we can do and no more! WELL DONE YOU for getting your OH this far.
I am lucky I too have an excellent Admiral Nurse and I often spend my time with her just crying for my lack of 'skill' in dealing with it all.
Stay strong and know that you have done your very best and thats all anyone - including your OH - can ask.
 

Scotlassie

New member
Apr 29, 2021
4
0
Irenemary thanks for your comments. Your comment of not having a life truly reflects where is am and have been for a while. I really hate the situation and worried those feelings would transfer to OH. Hopefully this horrible decision will give me some life back. I feel so selfish. I hope you manage to find a path for you and your OH. I wish you well
 

SMacGregor

Registered User
Feb 11, 2021
33
0
Do try to be kind to you - such a hard situation and no one can make that decision other than you. Once in the home you can visit and support him still. Really feel for you xxxx
 

Dave 77

New member
Nov 2, 2019
1
0
My wife went into a care home this morning.
We lied telling her that she was visiting a small private hospital, who would look into her bad back. I rang this evening to see if she was settling in OK. Unfortunately at that time the realisation had begun to sink in, and she was being very uncooperative, although I was told not to worry too much. Now suffering a guilt conscience.
I know that this is a normal reaction, but still feeling like an Ogre.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,400
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Dave 77 .

My dad was very uncooperative when he first moved into a carehome - that’s very normal - as is the guilt you’re feeling. Hopefully your wife will settle soon and you’ll both feel better about the situation. A carehome can be a very good option and many people are very happy there.
 

Scotlassie

New member
Apr 29, 2021
4
0
My wife went into a care home this morning.
We lied telling her that she was visiting a small private hospital, who would look into her bad back. I rang this evening to see if she was settling in OK. Unfortunately at that time the realisation had begun to sink in, and she was being very uncooperative, although I was told not to worry too much. Now suffering a guilt conscience.
I know that this is a normal reaction, but still feeling like an Ogre.
Dave I hope things are settling with your wife. My OH has gone into placid mode with the care home staff doing as asked and cooperating. However today(Monday) he became quite agitated on the phone continually asking what day I am collecting him to come home.. i feel lost as now on own and no one to care for/watch. Earlier days though.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,219
0
Newcastle
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Scotlassie . It is early days. I did not face this myself as my wife was incapable of using a phone, but I sometimes wonder if being able to maintain direct telephone contact works against helping new residents to settle. As for those feelings of being selfish, it might help if you consider the primary reason for your OH going into full time care. It is because in that setting he will get the care that he needs and deserves. It takes time, but people can thrive when the pressure of having to maintain a semblance of normal life is removed. You are still together even if living apart. Relieved of the daily caring load you might find time to rekindle some of your former relationship. Having a life of your own not dominated at every moment by dementia is nothing to feel guilty about. As restrictions ease, the weather improves and your OH becomes more accepting of the situation it may be possible for you to enjoy some time together outside.
 

Scotlassie

New member
Apr 29, 2021
4
0
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Scotlassie . It is early days. I did not face this myself as my wife was incapable of using a phone, but I sometimes wonder if being able to maintain direct telephone contact works against helping new residents to settle. As for those feelings of being selfish, it might help if you consider the primary reason for your OH going into full time care. It is because in that setting he will get the care that he needs and deserves. It takes time, but people can thrive when the pressure of having to maintain a semblance of normal life is removed. You are still together even if living apart. Relieved of the daily caring load you might find time to rekindle some of your former relationship. Having a life of your own not dominated at every moment by dementia is nothing to feel guilty about. As restrictions ease, the weather improves and your OH becomes more accepting of the situation it may be possible for you to enjoy some time together outside.
Thank you for your kind comments
 

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