1. claire23

    claire23 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2010
    1
    U.K.
    My mum died 3 months ago and now thats it?!!!!! No more worry or vists or guilt or misery? Its like an empty hole and I want my mum to fill it can anyone relate or is this just rubbish?!!:confused:
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,437
    Female
    Dundee
    Oh Claire - not in your situation just wanted to say love n hugs. Izzy x
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,432
    Claire - I think it's inevitable when you have spent a large amount of your time either actively caring for an elderly parent or worrying about them you are inevitably going to find that when you don't have that to do any more, you have a massive gap in your life. I think it could take several years to get past that, honestly, and two years post my mother dying I still have dreams where I think "OMG I haven't been to see her".
     
  4. Winnie Kjaer

    Winnie Kjaer Account Closed

    Aug 14, 2009
    2,011
    Devon
    I can definitely relate to that Claire. When I first lost my mother I felt a great relief that she was now at peace and no longer in pain, and at ease because I no longer had to share my loyalty and time between her and my husband. I now have a big void or hole as you call it. I miss her so much, but I miss my mother as she was before her illness not with her illness, and then the if only sets in. I should have given her more time, I should have understood more, if only I had known what I know now etc. It is all part of grieving and it takes time, a long time, before you are left with some lovely memories of your loved one and can then start to build a life with a different routine. It will come give it time.
     
  5. JPG1

    JPG1 Account Closed

    Jul 16, 2008
    3,396
    Claire,

    No, that’s not it. And no it’s definitely not rubbish. I’m sad for you that this had to be your first post on TP, but I do understand the pain that you are feeling.

    Your Mum will live on in you, and in your memories of her and of the life you shared.

    I lost my Mum when I was 27. She left us all when she was 60, so a mere 12 years older than your Mum. Nothing to do with dementia.

    That empty hole is still there, and will be there forever and a day. Because, like you and like most of us, I only had one Mum. One very special Mum. And that’s how you must try to remember your Mum.

    Forget the dementia. Don’t try to find other people who also had a Mum diagnosed with dementia at the age of 38. That is so rare, and you will spend valuable energy trying to find other rare persons who also had such a diagnosis at such a very young age.

    You may need help from other sources, other counselling. Because it hurts like hell to lose your Mum when you are as young as you are. So, again I would say only that you must try to forget the dementia, and to:

    Remember your Mum.

    Take care,
     
  6. gill@anchorage5

    gill@anchorage5 Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    211
    Southampton
    Hello Claire

    Not rubbish at all - I can relate so much to the "gap" in your life. I lost my lovely Dad, John 10 weeks ago and I miss him terribly.

    Sat down to watch "Larkrise to Candleford" tonight - remembered how I used to try and watch it, but it was always the time the carers came to put Dad to bed and so I only ever managed to watch parts of it.

    Tonight I can actually watch it - but I wish so much that I could be settling Dad down for the night instead....

    Losing a loved one leaves a huge void - my thoughts are with you.

    Gill x
     
  7. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Claire, of course it's not rubbish, but it IS very hard to bear. You've spent a long time caring, worrying, visiting your Mum while she was ill - 50% of your adult life - and it's become part of your life. In time, other things will begin to make that hole a little smaller, but it's probably too soon now.

    Talk about it; talk to family, friends, workmates. If not to them, talk to your family doctor and ask for some help with the way you feel. Cruse - a charity to support those suffering from bereavement - are here: http://www.bereavementcare.org.uk/about_bereavement.htm - take a look at the website, contact them. Sometimes it's easier to open up to a complete stranger - no family history or 'politics' to have to juggle with.

    For what it's worth, being as young as you are doesn't make it any more, or any less, painful to lose a parent. It's a tragedy that your Mum was struck down so young, but losing someone who has had a long life also hurts badly. I get my bus-pass later this month, but losing my Mum 18 months ago ripped a huge chasm in my life too.
     
  8. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    235
    South East Wales, UK.
    Hia Claire, i understand how you are feeling, my Mam passed away September 26th last year, early days for me to. I feel like i havent seen or been near her physically for much longer, i yearn for my Mam & there are times that are unbearable knowing that i will never see her or visit her at the Hospital where she had been a patient for 10 + years, there is no easy way to get over losing a loved one, we all have to try our best & try to live some normal life, i will never ever stop missing my lovely Mother , & will shed tears when i am sad & think of happier times, but we have to carry on. unfortunately thats how life is..... Cruel..... Take care of yourself, i really fo know what you are feeling, love & hugs Rosie x x
     
  9. Snip

    Snip Registered User

    Mar 16, 2009
    127
    Same here...just over three months ago and in many ways I still can't believe it. I still go to ring her, when I drive past her retirement village I can't believe that my key won't work there anymore and someone else is living in her flat, looking out of her windows, answering her door.......

    If I'm honest I think I preferred the awful, dreadful days just after she died because she still felt near, still 'here'. Now with each day that goes by she seems further and further away from me....lost to me. It seems impossible and cruel that this is how it will be from now on....my mum has gone forever. I try to hold on to the memory of her face, the feel of her lovely soft hands but I feel it drifting away, bit by bit.

    Not a very positive post...sorry...but just sympathising with you. I'm sure a lot of people here know exactly how you're feeling....and I send you love and best wishes as you try to get through all this, or come to terms with it at the least.

    Hi Rosie.....I always think of you here as our mums died on the same day *hug*

    Lots of love and strengthening thoughts

    Snip x
     

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