Teething problems with Ma and Care Home

[Toopie28]

It's only been a week since Ma went into residential care (kicking and screaming, I might add).

The home is great - spotless, great room, activities, staff are wonderful. Took me a while to find this place.

The problem is Ma. She, of course hates it. After day 2, I want to go home. I'm done here. The girls are nice but I'm coming home. Starting to pack and gets so very angry with whomever she sees. (I mean from family)

Today, she's said she is vomiting up the food as she wants to die. In the next breath, someone is trying to kill her. A man came into her room and removed her underwear. She's going to escape, she's going to throw herself from the window and on and on. Someone stole my money.
Is there a possibility she is telling the truth about any of this?

I told the team leader to check for a urine infection.
She's fine when not on the phone with anyone she knows. The staff has said she participates in all activities and never in her room.

I, of course am a mess!

When, if ever does this get easier?
I know it's normal since others have been through this, but how do you cope?
I am going to stop the in person visits as it just affects me so badly.
From the moment she sees me it's - I want to go home and packing and then shaking and crying and the show begins. I cannot deflect. She's like a dog with a bone - won't let go.

How do you guys cope please?

 

[DeeCee7]

Oh dear @Toopie28 I am sorry to read about your distressing time with your Mum. It will get easier, but it doesn’t feel like it right now. You have done so well finding your mum the best care home, and she is engaging well with activities and is mostly out of her room. But unfortunately you will be blamed for all this change, and your mum’s focus for her rages will be you, unfair and distressing though it is. Things will eventually settle, but until they do I think you are wise to take a step back and not visit for a while, for both your sakes. Keep in touch with the staff for updates instead.

 

[SAP]

I think you are right to step back a bit . I suspect that once you have gone your mum is as right as rain as if nothing has happened meanwhile you go home feeling dreadful.

 

[canary]

It usually takes a couple of months for someone to settle. My mum spent the first six weeks packing to go home (although, actually, she was thinking of her childhood home), but she did settle and was happy there.

I doubt that any of the things she is saying are true, they sound like the usual dementia confabulations, but you could check with the staff. I remember visiting mum and sitting with her in the lounge. Another resident who was in the lounge was laughing and chatting to the staff and other residents when her relatives came to visit and it was like a switch flicked over - she was immediately in floods of tears, ranting and raving about how awful it all was, how she hated being there and that she wanted to go home. The relatives took her off to her room, but all they came back later and she was still creating, so the relatives said goodbye and left. Immediately, the switch was flicked over again and within two minutes she was back to laughing and chatting again. I could hardly believe it, but I was told it was very common

I think stepping back for a while would be a good idea

 

[JHA]

It is early days and it may possibly mean stepping back and not visiting/phoning for a while to let your mom build relationships with the staff.

When my mom first went into her care home she had a mobile phone with her and was calling myself and other family members daily - the best thing that happened was when the phone went flat. As Covid restrictions were still in place visiting was limited so she had time to settle and I had time to get my head round the fact that I could no longer keep her safe.

 

[Toopie28]

Thank you everyone!
I need to learn to have one day of not worrying or focusing on her anymore.
She's made it for 92 years - and I gave up my life when I was 48 for her. I need to step back now. 😭

It breaks my heart every time I see a new member. I hope to get through to the other side to help them too.

I'm so thankful to all of you!