My mum has dementia and Alzheimer’s and is also registered blind. She and my dad, both 87, still live in their own home supported by family - we all llive close by. He is amazing but is finding things increasingly difficult. Just recently she has had two periods of total confusion when she was convinced she wasn’t living in her own house and that we had brought her to this place from her real home. In the most recent one her ‘real’ home was the house she grew up in. I just wondered how other people cope with this? Is it better to go along with what she is saying, or try to reassure her that she is in her own home? Her lack of sight makes it even harder. She doesn’t know she has dementia.
Sudden episodes of confusion
- Thread starter Mumbies
- Start date
Hello @Mumbies and welcome to DTP
This is a perennial problem - there are probably thousands of people up and down the country asking to go home when they are sat in their own homes and it is something that you can never satisfy. Even if you took her back to her childhood home, she would still be asking to "go home", because it is actually a state of mind, rather than an actual place. What they are asking for is to escape the confusion and go back to a time before dementia. Often this is a childhood home and also contains long dead relatives, but sometimes its another place where they have been happy, or sometimes a fantasy place. All of them are equally unobtainable.
Often they switch between recognising their homes and not. Telling her that she is in her home when she doeant recognise it is likely to distress her, because at that time, in her mind, she is certain that it isnt and you wont be able to persuade her, but if you agree that it is isnt her home, she will probably demand that you take her home RIGHT THEN! Try coming up with a "reason" why she is there that will satisfy her. Perhaps you are looking after a friends house while they are away; perhaps there is a problem with the heating in her own home and so she is staying with you while it is fixed. Try sying that you will take her home tomorrow, but its too cold/dark/busy on the roads/car needs fixing to do it now. You could even try walking or driving her round the block and when you get back saying "ah, here we are - home!". Some days one thing will work and another day it wont. Its not easy.
This is a perennial problem - there are probably thousands of people up and down the country asking to go home when they are sat in their own homes and it is something that you can never satisfy. Even if you took her back to her childhood home, she would still be asking to "go home", because it is actually a state of mind, rather than an actual place. What they are asking for is to escape the confusion and go back to a time before dementia. Often this is a childhood home and also contains long dead relatives, but sometimes its another place where they have been happy, or sometimes a fantasy place. All of them are equally unobtainable.
Often they switch between recognising their homes and not. Telling her that she is in her home when she doeant recognise it is likely to distress her, because at that time, in her mind, she is certain that it isnt and you wont be able to persuade her, but if you agree that it is isnt her home, she will probably demand that you take her home RIGHT THEN! Try coming up with a "reason" why she is there that will satisfy her. Perhaps you are looking after a friends house while they are away; perhaps there is a problem with the heating in her own home and so she is staying with you while it is fixed. Try sying that you will take her home tomorrow, but its too cold/dark/busy on the roads/car needs fixing to do it now. You could even try walking or driving her round the block and when you get back saying "ah, here we are - home!". Some days one thing will work and another day it wont. Its not easy.
Hello
My mother has periods of such confusion usually lasting an hour sometimes longer. Hard to give definitive advice as cases and situations are so different. Some general tips would be.
1) Go with what works. If trying to reassure your mum where she is brings her back to that place in her mind and calms her then okay. However what you might find is that action adds to her confusion, anxiety, frustration. If so drop it immediately you will not help anyone in. The room. Your mum will get more confused, you have to watch and deal with that.
2) In that case please remember your mum is most likely seeking to return to the old address not as a physical location but as a mental state of well being. Your mum may not know she has Dementia, but the memory gaps,uncertainties, etc, will be apparent to her. Ask yourself if you were emotionally upset, anxious something is wrong but not sure what it is, would you not seek out an environment where previously you most likely always felt calm, certainty, predictability, namely in the home you grew up in. Remember long term memories can remain long after the short term have gone. Your mum feels confident in those old memories so why not seek out their location? You and I know that is an illusion but your mum does not. Try love lies. Yes mum we will go there tomorrow as it is quite a journey. Yes mum we will go there on Sunday when the roads are quieter, when the rain has stopped. Accept her desire, do not contradict it. You are doing not harm moving temporarily into the reality your mum is experiencing in her feelings. Hopefully your words will give reassurance. Having taken the sting out of the situation now try to gently distract her. How about a cup of tea and a biscuit mum? Guess who I bumped into today? Mum can you tell me what to do.... select a query or question on a topic or interest your mum still talks about.
it can take a while to get use to love lies and deliberately distracting a love one. You are not doing anything wrong morally. If it moves your mum away from confusion and linked distress then they have proven they are valid things to do.
Welcome to the forum. Please keep in touch by posting and reading threads. It is a friendly and supportive environment
My mother has periods of such confusion usually lasting an hour sometimes longer. Hard to give definitive advice as cases and situations are so different. Some general tips would be.
1) Go with what works. If trying to reassure your mum where she is brings her back to that place in her mind and calms her then okay. However what you might find is that action adds to her confusion, anxiety, frustration. If so drop it immediately you will not help anyone in. The room. Your mum will get more confused, you have to watch and deal with that.
2) In that case please remember your mum is most likely seeking to return to the old address not as a physical location but as a mental state of well being. Your mum may not know she has Dementia, but the memory gaps,uncertainties, etc, will be apparent to her. Ask yourself if you were emotionally upset, anxious something is wrong but not sure what it is, would you not seek out an environment where previously you most likely always felt calm, certainty, predictability, namely in the home you grew up in. Remember long term memories can remain long after the short term have gone. Your mum feels confident in those old memories so why not seek out their location? You and I know that is an illusion but your mum does not. Try love lies. Yes mum we will go there tomorrow as it is quite a journey. Yes mum we will go there on Sunday when the roads are quieter, when the rain has stopped. Accept her desire, do not contradict it. You are doing not harm moving temporarily into the reality your mum is experiencing in her feelings. Hopefully your words will give reassurance. Having taken the sting out of the situation now try to gently distract her. How about a cup of tea and a biscuit mum? Guess who I bumped into today? Mum can you tell me what to do.... select a query or question on a topic or interest your mum still talks about.
it can take a while to get use to love lies and deliberately distracting a love one. You are not doing anything wrong morally. If it moves your mum away from confusion and linked distress then they have proven they are valid things to do.
Welcome to the forum. Please keep in touch by posting and reading threads. It is a friendly and supportive environment
Hi @Mumbies, welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about Mum it is such a difficult situation to deal with - albeit extremely common (not any solace to you I know!). Some great suggestions. It took me rather a long time to dispense with logic and trying to prove that it clearly was Mum's bungalow and when I employed other tactics I found a solution that worked with Mum and calmed her. She was worried about the 'owners' coming back, and when I said they are friends of mine and have asked you to look after the place whilst they are away she was prepared to stay - in the morning Mum was fine with absolutely no recollection of any incident and knew where she was. It was down to sun-downing when the confusion draws in later afternoon and early evening.
It will be a process of finding what works with you own Mum, but I wouldn't try to persevere with trying to convince Mum she is at home - I went down that route for sometime and now I wish I hadn't really.
All the best. Take care of yourself and keep posting.
It will be a process of finding what works with you own Mum, but I wouldn't try to persevere with trying to convince Mum she is at home - I went down that route for sometime and now I wish I hadn't really.
All the best. Take care of yourself and keep posting.
Thanks Whisperer, that all makes so much sense. I like the term ‘love lies’ ! Really appreciate you taking the time to reply.
