Sudden anger issues

[Ponddweller]

Well after sleepless night I have this morning received a reply from his GP after I'd told him about changing the locks to say that "at least he's showing spirit". I'm glad I'm not local as I'm not sure I'd be responsible for my actions! Long chat with my sister and we've decided not to try and implement respite care. We know he won't go for it and it'll just provoke a row and my poor kids have seen and heard enough this week. Instead I've sent a rather icy email to the GP explaining the vulnerable behaviour and that we are now stepping back. Dad says my sister is dead to him, so fine. She'll stop filling in the gaps and we'll see if a truer picture of his capacity emerges. I'll take him for lunch, wish him a happy birthday and go home. The Christmas guilt monster will be looming very large next week but as my husband pointed out, why should we be made to act differently to any other random lunch date? He does hate Christmas though. Tragically my sister is rather looking forward to her surgery as it's a whole day away from ringing phones and she can't be expected to do anything if she's wired up to stuff. Just need to rustle up some christmas spirit from somewhere now. Kids are pre-teen so these are the last few lovely years of mad excitement from them.

 

[TNJJ]

Well after sleepless night I have this morning received a reply from his GP after I'd told him about changing the locks to say that "at least he's showing spirit". I'm glad I'm not local as I'm not sure I'd be responsible for my actions! Long chat with my sister and we've decided not to try and implement respite care. We know he won't go for it and it'll just provoke a row and my poor kids have seen and heard enough this week. Instead I've sent a rather icy email to the GP explaining the vulnerable behaviour and that we are now stepping back. Dad says my sister is dead to him, so fine. She'll stop filling in the gaps and we'll see if a truer picture of his capacity emerges. I'll take him for lunch, wish him a happy birthday and go home. The Christmas guilt monster will be looming very large next week but as my husband pointed out, why should we be made to act differently to any other random lunch date? He does hate Christmas though. Tragically my sister is rather looking forward to her surgery as it's a whole day away from ringing phones and she can't be expected to do anything if she's wired up to stuff. Just need to rustle up some christmas spirit from somewhere now. Kids are pre-teen so these are the last few lovely years of mad excitement from them.

Well done! I’ve just stepped back for dad.He has carers 4X a day. They are now finding out his true character to say the least.

Don’t be surprised if it carries on like this for a while.Nothing works fast in the system.
There is a thread on here which gives an insight into the “capacity “ saga. It is called “fluctuating capacity “.
Love the doctors quote”Showing some spirit”! Would he be saying that if it was his family I wonder.
I am also waiting for the crisis to happen.. That is all we can do..

 

[Ponddweller]

Well done! I’ve just stepped back for dad.He has carers 4X a day. They are now finding out his true character to say the least.

Don’t be surprised if it carries on like this for a while.Nothing works fast in the system.
There is a thread on here which gives an insight into the “capacity “ saga. It is called “fluctuating capacity “.
Love the doctors quote”Showing some spirit”! Would he be saying that if it was his family I wonder.
I am also waiting for the crisis to happen.. That is all we can do..

I've been reading "Fluctuating capacity" this morning and it inspired the wording for the GP. Really useful. We aren't at carer breakdown exactly because he's able to physically manage tasks on his own but it's the lack of insight and agitation that's the worry. Isn't it a strange position to be in, waiting, willing almost, something to happen. Although there have been several crises over the last 6 months (being brought home by the police, losing the car and being brought home by a stranger, hitting a parked car) that I naively thought would be "the one" and nothing happens. I keep having shaking spells over the last week and have just worked out that it's adrenaline leaving the body! Much solidarity to you TNJJ!

 

[TNJJ]

I've been reading "Fluctuating capacity" this morning and it inspired the wording for the GP. Really useful. We aren't at carer breakdown exactly because he's able to physically manage tasks on his own but it's the lack of insight and agitation that's the worry. Isn't it a strange position to be in, waiting, willing almost, something to happen. Although there have been several crises over the last 6 months (being brought home by the police, losing the car and being brought home by a stranger, hitting a parked car) that I naively thought would be "the one" and nothing happens. I keep having shaking spells over the last week and have just worked out that it's adrenaline leaving the body! Much solidarity to you TNJJ!

You too! A little bit different for me with dad. In the sense he cannot walk on his own.. But the stress is very similar.. Good luck

 

[Ponddweller]

Aaand the neighbours have called to say he’s driven to the shops to buy chips. One neighbour worried he’d left his lights on and went to tell him - aaagh, could have been great opportunity to disable it again. Oh well, at least all the people on his road now know the score.
so can anyone advise me, do I now need to advise social services? Clearly I can’t rely on his GP.

 

[CardiffGirlInEssex]

Based on my experiences with social services I wouldn't bother with them! However, could you encourage the local police, or PCSO, to go round and try to frighten him into not driving? Have DVLA been informed? If not, they should be. His insurance is not valid if he is driving contrary to medical advice, so that's against the law, perhaps the PCSO could use that?

 

[Ponddweller]

Based on my experiences with social services I wouldn't bother with them! However, could you encourage the local police, or PCSO, to go round and try to frighten him into not driving? Have DVLA been informed? If not, they should be. His insurance is not valid if he is driving contrary to medical advice, so that's against the law, perhaps the PCSO could use that?

I’ve told the police although they weren’t that interested. They have put a flag on his number plate though so if he pings s camera it’ll flag. The lovely neighbours are willing to call the police but we’ve agreed they should have a copy of the diagnosis letter first do she has the right information. Also thought we’d leave it got tonight given that kids and I have driven 4 hours to a hotel tonight so we can take him out tomorrow. If I’m treading softly softly with him tomorrow it might not be great idea to have police show up. Neighbour (ex social worker) suggested keeping a log of all incidents since this all started to present to all authorities which is probably sensible. I’d be quite glad if one of them called the police tbh. Maybe then someone will take me seriously. How’s your dad doing?

 

[silkiest]

There are various locking/ disabling devices that can be used to stop thieves taking a car that can also be used to stop the pwd driving. I would fit the cheapest one available and then deny all knowledge of it to anyone. The shoe type ones that go round the wheels are most effective but expensive. If he wouldn’t have the ability to get someone to look at it it might be worth a try.

 

[CardiffGirlInEssex]

I’ve told the police although they weren’t that interested. They have put a flag on his number plate though so if he pings s camera it’ll flag. The lovely neighbours are willing to call the police but we’ve agreed they should have a copy of the diagnosis letter first do she has the right information. Also thought we’d leave it got tonight given that kids and I have driven 4 hours to a hotel tonight so we can take him out tomorrow. If I’m treading softly softly with him tomorrow it might not be great idea to have police show up. Neighbour (ex social worker) suggested keeping a log of all incidents since this all started to present to all authorities which is probably sensible. I’d be quite glad if one of them called the police tbh. Maybe then someone will take me seriously. How’s your dad doing?

I agree it's probably best not to rock the boat this weekend. With a bit of luck something will be left switched on and drain the battery again. Otherwise let's hope he gets caught on camera so the police can visit him without you being involved.

Thanks for asking about my dad. He didn't seem too bad last night, he's quite pleased the social worker is going back today. He really doesn't want to go to a home himself, especially now he's seen the prices! I've put forward some ideas on extending his care service (which he pays for) to include a daytime visit to maybe take him shopping, which he seems quite keen on, so I'll organise a meeting with the care manager very early in January about that.

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Ponddweller, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, it's very challenging and extremely worrying for all the family. If the DVLA have been informed and the Police there is little more that you can realistically do (apart from disabling the car, although it sounds as though he will get the garage out to repair so that is a temporary measure). Sadly it isn't just your Dad at risk but other road users and pedestrians. The Police are the enforcers and they need to deal with it. It is good to hear though that the Neighbours are looking out for him too - as your eyes and ears. I know this is easy for me to say but you can't be worrying about him going out in the car, you have done everything possible by informing the correct authorities (I would just make sure you have a log of who you spoke to and when - and ensure you have followed up in writing email or snail mail). All the best, stay strong.

 

[Ponddweller]

Hi @Ponddweller, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, it's very challenging and extremely worrying for all the family. If the DVLA have been informed and the Police there is little more that you can realistically do (apart from disabling the car, although it sounds as though he will get the garage out to repair so that is a temporary measure). Sadly it isn't just your Dad at risk but other road users and pedestrians. The Police are the enforcers and they need to deal with it. It is good to hear though that the Neighbours are looking out for him too - as your eyes and ears. I know this is easy for me to say but you can't be worrying about him going out in the car, you have done everything possible by informing the correct authorities (I would just make sure you have a log of who you spoke to and when - and ensure you have followed up in writing email or snail mail). All the best, stay strong.

Thanks Pete, that’s comforting. I’m just at such a loss. I’m putting off setting off to go round there as I’m so angry and frustrated with the whole thing. It’s a good idea to write to the police though. Someone pointed out to me that driving bans are made by the DVLA and enforced by the police so I can’t really expect the GP to do anything. I think right now I’m just nervous about his Christmas questions. I honestly don’t know whether my sister will be prepared to see him.

 

[Pete1]

I hear you @Ponddweller. It can be so unpredictable and therefore difficult to prepare for - there is always that anxiety as you go to see your loved one with dementia, I'm not sure that ever goes really. One mindset is 'old Dad' and 'new Dad' and try to separate the two. By that I mean that 'new Dad' may do and say things that are upsetting an hurtful, but that isn't your 'Old Dad' - and he can't help it. It can also move in phases, so the current phase of behaviour may pass in weeks or months (although usually replaced by something else). It is not uncommon to be presented with challenging behaviour and there are lots of suggestions on how to deal with that on the forum - unfortunately one size doesn't fit all. I would say sometimes you have to step away if the situation demands (and try not to let the guilt weigh too heavy). I hope your visit is OK though. Stay strong and keep posting.

 

[Ponddweller]

well That was an epic and stressful day. We are now finally home and all comatose on the sofa. So he was okay when we got there.we had quite a nice chat but he said he was lonely so I gently suggested that maybe the time had come to live somewhere with lots of company. I had earlier spoken to the care home to find out if they’d take him for respite, just in case. They said yes (they are absolutely lovely) but he’d have to be properly willing as they can’t risk him trying to leave over Christmas. He agreed the home was very nice and the people were lovely but we agreed that yes, it would be a wrench. So, we went to the pub met my niece and did birthday presents. I don’t know if it was because my niece and I were chatting and not paying him attention but suddenly his mood switched. Head down, I don’t want to live another year, I want to die, can’t I come for Christmas (I say there’s no spare bed, “I’ll buy a bed”), I don’t want my food, I don’t want another drink. I had to keep pretending to go to the loo as I was almost having a panic attack. I seem to be the only one he directs this at. So we get back in the car (leaving 5 largely uneaten meals) and he cheers up again! Lots of bustling about at home, tea, cake and I managed to go next door to see his neighbour. The whole family are so kind and gave offered lots of help, getting him to day centres, calling the police if he tries to drive etc. They even offered to have him for Christmas lunch! Then the list arrived - another red bill - so I made him come to the high street and made him walk miles (he claims he can’t walk but he can). Got shopping AND went to talk to pharmacist and picked up his new prescription with donepizil. By the time we left he was smiling and happy. Not how I expected the day to end. I’ve asked the Carers to go in twice a day now and I’m going to hit the phones looking for community transport and befrienders and daycare. I’m going to try and have a big group email with the adult grandchildren as well to see if they can do a bit more ringing etc. My sister is keen for them not to be involved but I think we need more help.
And as he’d parked his car in the middle of the shared drive I moved it and put his handbrake on as hard as I possibly could. I’ve written on his notice board that the unhelpful GP has banned him from driving along with the DVLA so I’m hoping it’ll break the notion that my poor brother in law has done this to him. okay, crisis over for tonight hoping for a good nights sleep before tomorrow’s crisis hits. Night all.

 

[TNJJ]

well That was an epic and stressful day. We are now finally home and all comatose on the sofa. So he was okay when we got there.we had quite a nice chat but he said he was lonely so I gently suggested that maybe the time had come to live somewhere with lots of company. I had earlier spoken to the care home to find out if they’d take him for respite, just in case. They said yes (they are absolutely lovely) but he’d have to be properly willing as they can’t risk him trying to leave over Christmas. He agreed the home was very nice and the people were lovely but we agreed that yes, it would be a wrench. So, we went to the pub met my niece and did birthday presents. I don’t know if it was because my niece and I were chatting and not paying him attention but suddenly his mood switched. Head down, I don’t want to live another year, I want to die, can’t I come for Christmas (I say there’s no spare bed, “I’ll buy a bed”), I don’t want my food, I don’t want another drink. I had to keep pretending to go to the loo as I was almost having a panic attack. I seem to be the only one he directs this at. So we get back in the car (leaving 5 largely uneaten meals) and he cheers up again! Lots of bustling about at home, tea, cake and I managed to go next door to see his neighbour. The whole family are so kind and gave offered lots of help, getting him to day centres, calling the police if he tries to drive etc. They even offered to have him for Christmas lunch! Then the list arrived - another red bill - so I made him come to the high street and made him walk miles (he claims he can’t walk but he can). Got shopping AND went to talk to pharmacist and picked up his new prescription with donepizil. By the time we left he was smiling and happy. Not how I expected the day to end. I’ve asked the Carers to go in twice a day now and I’m going to hit the phones looking for community transport and befrienders and daycare. I’m going to try and have a big group email with the adult grandchildren as well to see if they can do a bit more ringing etc. My sister is keen for them not to be involved but I think we need more help.
And as he’d parked his car in the middle of the shared drive I moved it and put his handbrake on as hard as I possibly could. I’ve written on his notice board that the unhelpful GP has banned him from driving along with the DVLA so I’m hoping it’ll break the notion that my poor brother in law has done this to him. okay, crisis over for tonight hoping for a good nights sleep before tomorrow’s crisis hits. Night all.

I recognise the panic attack alongside the sleepless nights. There is nothing worse.. I agree that you do need more help. Just curious who is paying the car tax? Is it up to date?

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Ponddweller, it sounds as though you are all hands to the pump and putting a good infrastructure of support in place for Dad - amazing that he has neighbours like that too, that can give you some greater peace of mind. He clearly has quickly changing moods which is fairly normal, it is just more difficult to deal with in a public space - bit like a small child really. The only thing I can offer (a small solace) is that Dad will have generally forgotten everything that is said when the mood has changed (i.e. I want to die) and moved on, whereas it will be you left with the emotional baggage and clearly it does affect you deeply. I think perhaps the mindset that 'New Dad' will always say these things, that are often hurtful, may help. I remember some terrible evenings at Mums following midnight calls, in the morning she was really chirpy and happy with no recollection of the night before - just me standing there like a physical and emotional wreck!! I think inevitably there will be more 'events' as he lives 'independently', just try to accept that will be the case and not to worry about it as you are doing every thing you can to make Dad's life as comfortable as possible and maintain his independence. Stay strong. All the best.

 

[Ponddweller]

Thanks for your support everyone both practical and emotional. I must come across like a bit of an amateur at this game! I’m so grateful thar everyone shares their experiences and advice. It’s so much richer and more valuable and more realistic than the bland stuff that gets officially published. Thanks so much again.

 

[Ponddweller]

Just wanted to add an update. My sisters cancer surgery went well and she was home and resting for a day. I don’t want to jinx things but the outlook is positive. We had a long heart to heart and agreed that panicking and being frightened by dad isn’t hurting anyone but ourselves and we can’t let this rule our lives. And if that means pretending to him that black is white, so be it. Ha ha, easy to say I know but comforting.
She saw him today and of course he can’t remember telling her she’s dead to him. So he’ll be going there on Christmas Day. Family with gritted teeth but duty will be done. The car is still there for now but I honestly don’t think he’ll shift that handbrake.
you’ve all been amazing. Not sure how I would have got through this week without you. Hope the new year brings you peace and happiness.

 

[Izzy]

I’m glad your sister’s surgery went well. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and new year.