Dear
@anonymous 123
I am an ex carer who visits this site. I made a promise after my mum died that I would not walk on by if I read a post from someone who clearly was reaching out for help. I would not proverbially cross the road and walk on by. I had a period when I forgot that promise but not now or in the future. Let me start with two basic points. Firstly we have never met or spoken. My caring experience will have been different to your own in so many ways, to a degree any answer I give will be incomplete. Secondly my words are given with the best of intentions, you have to make of them as you will. As my mum would have said they will fall in place only as the recipient interprets them.
Okay your question is perhaps the most important one a carer can ask. How do you keep going, deal with setbacks, physical, emotional and mental demands. There is no one fits all template but please consider the following points.
1) For a moment please stop and acknowledge that at a very basic and important level you are coping. You are caring for your dad, visiting your mum daily and importantly enabling your dad to see her as well. You gave up employment to care for them both. Your emotional stress is based on your deep love for them. Many people would not have achieved what you have already done. Give yourself a lot of credit for what you have achieved to date.
2) Please let go of the guilt feeling. Easier said than done. Is it based on a feeling you let your mum down by arranging for her to go into a care home? Just read what was going wrong in her life. You had no choice to keep her safe. Your mum has settled well into the care home. The only person “judging” you is your own voice in your head. Please accept what you have done todate. Your love for your parents is clear. I bet they both appreciate you as a loving, generous, kind and devoted daughter.
3) Perhaps another point to consider is the “perfectionist” voice. This is not personal criticism. Generally carers can get into a situation where they think there must always have been something else they could have done, one more action which could have made things better. Please accept that is not realistic or good for you. I learnt a maxim from the carers support group I went to. “Good enough will do, perfection is for angels”. You must do what you are comfortable with, but let go of the guilt and if applicable the perfection driver. Perhaps have days where you do not visit the care home, but instead enjoy a day with your dad away from the care home environment.
4) The end of my caring role came in deeply stressful circumstances, at the height of the COVID lockdowns, after nearly a year of total social isolation. I found it very hard in that period to switch off, try to conserve my physical and emotional strength. I found gentle music, meditation, sitting us both in the garden helped. Something to however briefly take your mind away from the stresses of caring.
5) Now the hardest suggestion. I am not being insensitive and I wished someone had said this to me whilst I was caring. One day that role will end, your loved ones will be at peace. Enjoy their company today and the tomorrows yet to come. Accept that your stress is the price of caring for loved ones. It will end one day and your life will move forward on a different track. You have a loving partner. You have years ahead of you beyond the caring role. It is not selfish nor anything to feel guilty about to reflect on that possibility. I would suggest the opposite is true. I was so focused on the caring role, when mum died I was utterly lost. No loved one, the purpose of my life dying with her. I gently suggest one coping mechanism available to you is to remind yourself at some unknown future point in time the caring role will end. In dark moments presently that thought might give you the strength to carry on. Just a suggestion, make of it what you will.
Finally please remember you are part of the solution not the problem. There are no examinations for carers to take to get the relevant skills. No training manual. You seem to be doing very well in the caring role. Just allow sometime to care for yourself. Perhaps a past interest or hobby needs thinking about even if not actually done at present. Listen to your emotions but the quiet voices of self criticism, doubt, guilt, etc, in your mind need to be challenged. I hope something I have said strikes a chord, my intentions are well meaning. My best wishes for the future.